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American Airlines to Offer
Amenities for Terrorist Subduers

NEW YORK (DPI) - American Airlines became the first US commercial carrier to introduce "Terrorist Subduing" and "Non-Terrorist Subduing" seating options for all passengers today. According to CEO Richard Towsley, passengers seated in the "Terrorist Subduing" section will be encouraged to "beat the balls off" any suspicious-looking fellow passengers on scheduled commercial flights.

According to Towsley, the bold new strategy is designed to not only increase revenues but to improve passenger safety as well. "Let's be real," commented Towsley. "We all know that the security guards in our airports are as astute as Sergeant Schultz from Hogan's Heroes. Some guy pranced right past those clowns with fuses hanging out of his Reeboks. This new initiative will provide us with a desperately-needed second line of defense."

The airline will offer discounted airfares, non-static-producing headsets, nearly-edible food and other incentives to entice passengers to sign up for the new program. Librarian and suburban homemaker Sandra Henninger was one of the first to volunteer. "Well normally, I'm something of a pacifist," said Henninger. "But I'm having a killer bout of PMS this week, and I saw this as an opportunity to use my uncontrollable hormonal rage to fight terrorism."

Additionally, the airline will be handing out emergency procedure cards with instructions on handling "shoe terrorists." Towsley says the idea is to make catching terrorists fun, and to convince people to get the entire family involved.

Towsley concedes that the program "still has a few bugs to be worked out." Yesterday morning, an elderly woman on a flight to Miami was beaten and hog-tied by four college football players. According to the airline, the men thought she was reaching to ignite a fuse, but discovered later she was trying to pull up her support hose. "We all had a hell of a laugh over that one," said Towsley.

(Reported by Chuck Sawyer / Graphics by Michael Sheinbaum)

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