Giant Middle Finger WTC Plan Rejected for 27th Time
NEW YORK (DPI) - The world's top architects have rejected plans
to build a giant series of skyscrapers in the shape of a hand
flipping the bird for the 27th and "final" time, according to
Trent Raynor, leader of the WTC restoration project. "We know
that everyone is angry at (Osama) bin Laden and Al-Qaeda for
destroying the World Trade Center, but the joke's getting a
little old," says Raynor, referring to the doctored graphics
circulating on the Internet since the WTC attacks. "Seriously
-- it's not funny anymore, so stop it."
(Reported by Danny Gallagher)
Twain Double-Barrels Stefani to Take Super Bowl XXXVII
SAN DIEGO (DPI) - With well over 100 million drunken male viewers watching in a
state of semi-turgidness, pop-country diva Shania Twain thoroughly
trounced pop-rock diva Gwen Stefani Sunday in a matchup of formerly
unbeaten masturbation fantasies in Super Bowl XXXVII. While Stefani's
undulating bare midriff made a game of it, ultimately it was just no match
for Twain's heaving half-exposed bosom. Stefani's value as a masturbatory
visual was "no doubt" hampered by the simultaneous appearance of aging
'80s icon Sting in a disturbingly tight shirt. In a related story,
announcer Chris Berman was hospitalized with an aneurysm after failing to
come up with a clever nickname for Stefani.
(Reported by Tristan Fabriani)
Bush Really, Really, REALLY Wants a War with Iraq
WASHINGTON (DPI) - President Bush announced that he "really,
really, REALLY" wants a war with Iraq, adding a third "really"
to his previous position. "The American people are proud of
President Bush's bold leadership in adding a third 'really,'"
said White House spokesman Ari Fleischer. "The President has
a strong record of repetition." Analysts believe the extra 'really'
will strengthen Bush's hand with reluctant allies, including
France and Germany. "Europeans know a third 'really' when they
see it," Fleischer added. White House officials have not ruled
out a further 'really' build-up, if required.
(Reported by Slick Sharkey)
Study: George Clooney Getting Unfair
Share of Pussy
LOS ANGELES (DPI) - Researchers at the Institute for Sexual
Fairness have completed a two-year study in which they determined
that actor George Clooney is getting more than his fair share
of pussy. "Mr. Clooney's twat-hogging ways have created a snatch
shortage that is affecting the rest of the heterosexual male
population," said Myron Puweal, head of the institute. Puweal
went on to say that the lack of available gash is most detrimental
to males on the "poontang fence" who otherwise stood a remote
chance at getting laid. Clooney could not be reached for comment,
as he was busy getting cooze from a supermodel.
(Reported by Tristan Fabriani)
North Korea Talks Break Down After Kim Bombs on American
LOS ANGELES (DPI) - Hopes for a peaceful resolution to U.S.-North
Korean hostilities evaporated last night as North Korean General
Secretary Kim Jong Il's singing was brutally panned on Fox TV's
American Idol. Despite an earnest performance of Gloria
Gaynor's disco classic "I Will Survive," the judges were unimpressed.
"Maybe you will survive,but I'm not sure we will
after hearing that," said chronically caustic judge Simon Cowell.
"Absolutely dreadful. Give up singing and go back to being a
despotic whackjob." Afterward, the Communist leader said that
while he "appreciated Paula Abdul's constructive feedback,"
he will escalate Korea's nuclear weapons program anyway. Jong
also remarked, "And Simon, you can suck on it, you imperialist
(Reported by Miles Walker)
CBS Premieres CSI: Ponderosa Steakhouse
LOS ANGELES (DPI) - A new spinoff in the wildly successful CSI
franchise was launched this week amid buzz about the unusual
setting in a large-city health inspections bureau. Network programming
executives are confident, however. "We're hoping to synergize
the crime drama and 'caught in the act' reality TV genres,"
said one programmer. "For example, the first show focused on
an investigation into who dropped a dead spider in the cole
slaw." Topics of future shows were revealed, including a probe
into why the toilet seats in the ladies' room are always wet,
and a graphic look at the consequences of staff members handling
food after forgetting to wash their hands.
(Reported by Chris Urich)
Iraq Opens First Home Despot
Ashcroft to DeNiro: "Yes, In Fact, I Am Looking at You"
New Economic Policy Doubles Personal Income by 25%
2003 Super Bowl Commercials to Come Out on DVD
About Saddam Opens in Select Iraqi Theaters
Sharpton Promises No $200 Hair-Cuts If Elected
Rose Admits to Betting on Whether He'll Admit Betting on Baseball
Phish Fan Wet-Dog Smell Harming War Protestors' Cause
Grimace Loses Obesity Suit Against McDonald's
St. Peter's Basilica Kicks the Shit Out of Your Favorite Crappy-Ass
Avast! Buccaneers, Raiders Pillage San Diego
Super Bowl Recap by Preserved Killick
Lying, Nasty, Promiscuous Husband Really Does Love Wife
WILMINGTON, Del. (DPI) - Bud Sellers has been consistently unfaithful
to his wife Carol over the entire course of their nine-year
marriage. He also steals the cash from her purse for drinking
money, treats her like dirt, and habitually lies to her. But
deep down, he really loves her. "I just wish I could make Carol
understand how much I love her," said Sellers. "Even when I'm
banging my girlfriend, she's always on my mind. If that's not
love, then what is?"
(Reported by Miles Walker)
Cheese Salesman Credits Parents for His Success
PEORIA (DPI) - Martin Rodenti, the American Cheese Association's 2002 Cheese Salesman
of the Year, credited his parents during his acceptance speech. Said Rodenti,
"I owe all my success to them, God rest their souls. They instilled me
with a love of cheese that has carried me to this highest of honors."
(Reported by Donald Junter)
Milky Way Denies Rumor of Youthful Galaxy-Destroying Offense
SPACE (DPI) - Amid reports that the Milky Way may have destroyed a small
of years ago, a spokesman for the local galaxy issued a strongly worded
of the incident. "Much has been made of the stories of an alleged youthful
indiscretion, and the Milky Way strongly denies that the incident ever
occurred." The spokesman speculated that the rumors have been fueled by an
aggressive media effort on behalf of the Andromeda galaxy, which has long
sought to hold the position now occupied
by the Milky Way. No witnesses to the alleged event have been identified.
(Reported by Jim Griffith)
Yoga Instructor Way Spacey
SHERMAN OAKS, Calif. (DPI) - Heather Gibson, 31, a certified
yoga instructor, is being accused of being way spacey and "kinda
floaty." Peers say Gibson goes far beyond the acceptable limits
of any city-bound-quasi-new-age-spiritual-type. "It was one
thing when she got into numerology, and 'the collective consciousness,'
but when she started going on about auras and her past lives
we knew that she had gone too far," said coworker Suzy Thompson.
Witnesses report several incidents where Gibson gave thanks
to a "Mother-Father Gaia." Gibson issued only a brief comment
as she lit a stick of sage to expel negative energy: "My third
eye is blurry and my chakras are really clogged from bad karma."
(Reported by G.S. Rodriguez)