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January 28, 2003

Giant Middle Finger WTC Plan Rejected for 27th Time

NEW YORK (DPI) - The world's top architects have rejected plans to build a giant series of skyscrapers in the shape of a hand flipping the bird for the 27th and "final" time, according to Trent Raynor, leader of the WTC restoration project. "We know that everyone is angry at (Osama) bin Laden and Al-Qaeda for destroying the World Trade Center, but the joke's getting a little old," says Raynor, referring to the doctored graphics circulating on the Internet since the WTC attacks. "Seriously -- it's not funny anymore, so stop it."

(Reported by Danny Gallagher)

Twain Double-Barrels Stefani to Take Super Bowl XXXVII

SAN DIEGO (DPI) - With well over 100 million drunken male viewers watching in a state of semi-turgidness, pop-country diva Shania Twain thoroughly trounced pop-rock diva Gwen Stefani Sunday in a matchup of formerly unbeaten masturbation fantasies in Super Bowl XXXVII. While Stefani's undulating bare midriff made a game of it, ultimately it was just no match for Twain's heaving half-exposed bosom. Stefani's value as a masturbatory visual was "no doubt" hampered by the simultaneous appearance of aging '80s icon Sting in a disturbingly tight shirt. In a related story, announcer Chris Berman was hospitalized with an aneurysm after failing to come up with a clever nickname for Stefani.
(Reported by Tristan Fabriani)

Bush Really, Really, REALLY Wants a War with Iraq

WASHINGTON (DPI) - President Bush announced that he "really, really, REALLY" wants a war with Iraq, adding a third "really" to his previous position. "The American people are proud of President Bush's bold leadership in adding a third 'really,'" said White House spokesman Ari Fleischer. "The President has a strong record of repetition." Analysts believe the extra 'really' will strengthen Bush's hand with reluctant allies, including France and Germany. "Europeans know a third 'really' when they see it," Fleischer added. White House officials have not ruled out a further 'really' build-up, if required.

(Reported by Slick Sharkey)

Study: George Clooney Getting Unfair
Share of Pussy

LOS ANGELES (DPI) - Researchers at the Institute for Sexual Fairness have completed a two-year study in which they determined that actor George Clooney is getting more than his fair share of pussy. "Mr. Clooney's twat-hogging ways have created a snatch shortage that is affecting the rest of the heterosexual male population," said Myron Puweal, head of the institute. Puweal went on to say that the lack of available gash is most detrimental to males on the "poontang fence" who otherwise stood a remote chance at getting laid. Clooney could not be reached for comment, as he was busy getting cooze from a supermodel.

(Reported by Tristan Fabriani)

North Korea Talks Break Down After Kim Bombs on American Idol

LOS ANGELES (DPI) - Hopes for a peaceful resolution to U.S.-North Korean hostilities evaporated last night as North Korean General Secretary Kim Jong Il's singing was brutally panned on Fox TV's American Idol. Despite an earnest performance of Gloria Gaynor's disco classic "I Will Survive," the judges were unimpressed. "Maybe you will survive,but I'm not sure we will after hearing that," said chronically caustic judge Simon Cowell. "Absolutely dreadful. Give up singing and go back to being a despotic whackjob." Afterward, the Communist leader said that while he "appreciated Paula Abdul's constructive feedback," he will escalate Korea's nuclear weapons program anyway. Jong also remarked, "And Simon, you can suck on it, you imperialist British poofter."

(Reported by Miles Walker)

CBS Premieres CSI: Ponderosa Steakhouse

LOS ANGELES (DPI) - A new spinoff in the wildly successful CSI franchise was launched this week amid buzz about the unusual setting in a large-city health inspections bureau. Network programming executives are confident, however. "We're hoping to synergize the crime drama and 'caught in the act' reality TV genres," said one programmer. "For example, the first show focused on an investigation into who dropped a dead spider in the cole slaw." Topics of future shows were revealed, including a probe into why the toilet seats in the ladies' room are always wet, and a graphic look at the consequences of staff members handling food after forgetting to wash their hands.

(Reported by Chris Urich)

Iraq Opens First Home Despot

Ashcroft to DeNiro: "Yes, In Fact, I Am Looking at You"

New Economic Policy Doubles Personal Income by 25%

2003 Super Bowl Commercials to Come Out on DVD

About Saddam Opens in Select Iraqi Theaters

Sharpton Promises No $200 Hair-Cuts If Elected

Rose Admits to Betting on Whether He'll Admit Betting on Baseball

Phish Fan Wet-Dog Smell Harming War Protestors' Cause

Grimace Loses Obesity Suit Against McDonald's

More headlines

St. Peter's Basilica Kicks the Shit Out of Your Favorite Crappy-Ass Cathedral

Avast! Buccaneers, Raiders Pillage San Diego

Super Bowl Recap by Preserved Killick

Lying, Nasty, Promiscuous Husband Really Does Love Wife

WILMINGTON, Del. (DPI) - Bud Sellers has been consistently unfaithful to his wife Carol over the entire course of their nine-year marriage. He also steals the cash from her purse for drinking money, treats her like dirt, and habitually lies to her. But deep down, he really loves her. "I just wish I could make Carol understand how much I love her," said Sellers. "Even when I'm banging my girlfriend, she's always on my mind. If that's not love, then what is?"

(Reported by Miles Walker)

Cheese Salesman Credits Parents for His Success

PEORIA (DPI) - Martin Rodenti, the American Cheese Association's 2002 Cheese Salesman of the Year, credited his parents during his acceptance speech. Said Rodenti, "I owe all my success to them, God rest their souls. They instilled me with a love of cheese that has carried me to this highest of honors."

(Reported by Donald Junter)

Milky Way Denies Rumor of Youthful Galaxy-Destroying Offense

SPACE (DPI) - Amid reports that the Milky Way may have destroyed a small galaxy billions of years ago, a spokesman for the local galaxy issued a strongly worded denial of the incident. "Much has been made of the stories of an alleged youthful indiscretion, and the Milky Way strongly denies that the incident ever occurred." The spokesman speculated that the rumors have been fueled by an aggressive media effort on behalf of the Andromeda galaxy, which has long sought to hold the position now occupied by the Milky Way. No witnesses to the alleged event have been identified.

(Reported by Jim Griffith)

Yoga Instructor Way Spacey

SHERMAN OAKS, Calif. (DPI) - Heather Gibson, 31, a certified yoga instructor, is being accused of being way spacey and "kinda floaty." Peers say Gibson goes far beyond the acceptable limits of any city-bound-quasi-new-age-spiritual-type. "It was one thing when she got into numerology, and 'the collective consciousness,' but when she started going on about auras and her past lives we knew that she had gone too far," said coworker Suzy Thompson. Witnesses report several incidents where Gibson gave thanks to a "Mother-Father Gaia." Gibson issued only a brief comment as she lit a stick of sage to expel negative energy: "My third eye is blurry and my chakras are really clogged from bad karma."

(Reported by G.S. Rodriguez)

Supreme Court Marks 30th Anniversary of Sanford and Son

Sluggish Downloads Teaching Men to Masturbate in Slow Motion
Dog Gets to Second Base with Bedpost
Homeland Security Department Opens With 2-for-1 Specials on Threat Warnings
February to Taunt Public With Shitty Movies Again This Year
Post-Schultz "Peanuts" Still Unfunny, but Nostalgically So
Discovery of New Quad-Winged Dinosaur Prompts Bad Jurassic Park Sequel
Faulty Penis Drip Valve Ruins Yet Another Date

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