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Advice from Strangers

This week's guest:
Sam Kinison

Dear Sam,

Recently I lost my job and ever since, money has been tight. Now my girlfriend's dropping hints that maybe we should see other people. Am I wrong for thinking that it's because I don't have the same cash I used to?

Unemployed In Anchorage

Dear UIA,

Wow. That sounds like a pickle you're in. You seem like a sensitive guy, just like me. I had a situation similar to that a few years ago. I was dating this girl, and she had expensive tastes. Long story short, we blew through all my money in about a year, and at that point she tells me, "You know, Sam, I think we should stop seeing each other. There's something missing now." So I said, "Oh, it wouldn't be the fucking MONEY that's missing, would it? HUH? YOU FUCKING WHORE! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOOOOUUUUUU! AAAAHHHH! AAAHHHHHHH! I HOPE YOU FALL IN A SEWER AND DROWN IN THE FECES OF A MILLION STRANGERS!!!! OOOHHH! OOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHH!" So try saying that and see what happens. I hope it works out for you, brother.


Dear Mr. Kinison,

I'm a 16-year-old high school junior. I've been dating my girlfriend, a cheerleader ;-) for about a year. She's really beautiful, and a good Christian to boot, just like me. But sometimes our urges are so strong we feel so tempted we could explode. How can I stop this?

Tempted in Terre Haute

Dear TITH,

I'm glad you asked me this question, young man. A lot of people fail to realize that before I became a stand-up comic, I was actually a Pentecostal minister. So I feel your pain. At times like this, you have to ask yourself, "What would Jesus do?" And, if I may be so bold, I think Jesus would say, "FUCK HER! FUUUCK HER, YOU IDIOT! SHE'S A CHEERLEADER! A FUCKING CHEERLEADER, YOU DOLT! EVERY GUY IN THE SCHOOL WANTS TO TOOL HER SWEET ASS! IF YOU DON'T BONE HER BACK TO THE STONE AGE I'M GONNA RISE FROM THE DEAD AND KICK YOUR FRUITY LITTLE ASS, SUSIE! OHHH! OOOOOOHHHHHHHHHH!" Because Jesus wants the best for you.


Dear Sam,

Aren't you supposed to be dead? What are you doing writing an advice column?


Dear Brian,

Dead? Why, yes, it would seem that I am dead. Thank you for bringing up that very touchy subject, you INSENSITIVE PRICK! You know, I was just asking Nicolae Ceausescu and Pol Pot if they didn't think it was a LITTLE HOT down here in HELL! WE'RE SUFFERING ETERNAL DAMNATION, YOU COME PUDDLE! CAN YOU THINK OF ANY PUNISHMENT WORSE THAN WRITING A FUCKING ADVICE COLUMN, YOU BLEEDING ULCER! THANKS FOR THE REMINDER, ASSHOLE! Oh my God, what is that! It's a head... IT'S VIC MORROW'S DISEMBODIED FLOATING HEAD COMING TO TORTURE ME!!! OHH! OOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHH!


(Transcribed by Greg Preece)

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