Advice from Strangers
This week's guest:
Recently I lost my job and ever since, money has been tight. Now my
girlfriend's dropping hints that maybe we should see other people. Am I
wrong for thinking that it's because I don't have the same cash I used to?
Unemployed In Anchorage
Wow. That sounds like a pickle you're in. You seem like a sensitive guy,
just like me. I had a situation similar to that a few years ago. I was
dating this girl, and she had expensive tastes. Long story short, we blew
through all my money in about a year, and at that point she tells me, "You
know, Sam, I think we should stop seeing each other. There's something
missing now." So I said, "Oh, it wouldn't be the fucking MONEY that's
missing, would it? HUH? YOU FUCKING WHORE! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOOOOUUUUUU!
AAAAHHHH! AAAHHHHHHH! I HOPE YOU FALL IN A SEWER AND DROWN IN THE FECES OF
A MILLION STRANGERS!!!! OOOHHH! OOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHH!" So try saying that and
see what happens. I hope it works out for you, brother.
Dear Mr. Kinison,
I'm a 16-year-old high school junior. I've been dating my girlfriend, a
cheerleader ;-) for about a year. She's really beautiful, and a good
Christian to boot, just like me. But sometimes our urges are so strong we
feel so tempted we could explode. How can I stop this?
Tempted in Terre Haute
I'm glad you asked me this question, young man. A lot of people fail to
realize that before I became a stand-up comic, I was actually a
Pentecostal minister. So I feel your pain. At times like this, you have to
ask yourself, "What would Jesus do?" And, if I may be so bold, I think
Jesus would say, "FUCK HER! FUUUCK HER, YOU IDIOT! SHE'S A CHEERLEADER! A
FUCKING CHEERLEADER, YOU DOLT! EVERY GUY IN THE SCHOOL WANTS TO TOOL HER
SWEET ASS! IF YOU DON'T BONE HER BACK TO THE STONE AGE I'M GONNA RISE FROM
THE DEAD AND KICK YOUR FRUITY LITTLE ASS, SUSIE! OHHH! OOOOOOHHHHHHHHHH!"
Because Jesus wants the best for you.
Aren't you supposed to be dead? What are you doing writing an advice column?
Dead? Why, yes, it would seem that I am dead. Thank you for bringing up
that very touchy subject, you INSENSITIVE PRICK! You know, I was just
asking Nicolae Ceausescu and Pol Pot if they didn't think it was a LITTLE
HOT down here in HELL! WE'RE SUFFERING ETERNAL DAMNATION, YOU COME PUDDLE!
CAN YOU THINK OF ANY PUNISHMENT WORSE THAN WRITING A FUCKING ADVICE
COLUMN, YOU BLEEDING ULCER! THANKS FOR THE REMINDER, ASSHOLE! Oh my God,
what is that! It's a head... IT'S VIC MORROW'S DISEMBODIED FLOATING HEAD
COMING TO TORTURE ME!!! OHH! OOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHH!
(Transcribed by Greg Preece)