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February 4, 2002

Atheist Patriots Thank Chance, Natural Selection

NEW ORLEANS, LA (DPI) - Fresh off a stunning 20-17 upset victory in the Super Bowl, players and coaches of the New England Patriots thanked Serendipity, Chance, and pure Dumb Luck for their storybook season. "Statistically speaking, Warner was going to eventually mis-time a pass," said cornerback Ty Law, "and once I had the interception in my hands, there was a very low probability that anyone would be in position to stop me. Luck was with me every step of the way." Said quarterback and game MVP Tom Brady, "We had a lot of support from above this year. Even though he wasn't down on the field with us, (offensive coordinator) Charlie Weis was looking down on us all season long."

(Reported by Travis Ruetenik & Joseph Moore)

Kmart Turns to Prostitution to Recoup Losses

TROY, MI (DPI) - Bankrupt retailing giant Kmart announced today that it will shift its marketing and sales towards the untapped retail prostitution market in order to become profitable again. "We are deep in the red," said spokesperson Martha Stewart. "It is time for the Red Light Special." Store employees fearful of losing their jobs during the restructuring were surprised Tuesday to find crates of Stewart's new Autumn Whore line of lace nightwear on the loading docks. Stewart took the transition in stride. "This change is natural and welcome for me; I've been prostituting myself to Kmart for years." Once insulted by the phrase "Kmart sucks," the company has now embraced the Rain Man tagline as part of its core marketing strategy.

(Reported by Michael Sheinbaum)

Bush Writes Own State of Union Address With Mad-Libs

WASHINGTON, DC (DPI) - In an effort to appear more independent, President George W. Bush wrote and presented his first State of the Union address in front of the joint session of Congress Tuesday night. Insisting on writing the entire speech himself, the president enlisted the help of the Mad-Libs book series, the popular party game for 6-year-olds. "Thousand of dangerous squirrels, schooled in the methods of farting, often supported by underwear, are now spreading throughout the Chuck E. Cheese like pooping time bombs, set to go off without warning," Bush said while giggling on the floor of the Senate Tuesday.

(Reported By Danny Gallagher)

Subway Dieter Saddened by "State of the Union" Snub

TEANECK, NJ (DPI) - Television dieting prodigy Henry, Clay Henry held an impromptu news conference on his front lawn yesterday to protest not having been invited to President Bush's State of the Union address last Tuesday night. "It seemed that every 'notable' the President pointed out in the gallery was either a comically-dressed foreigner or somebody's next of kin. That's hardly what I would call compelling television," the formerly steatopygic Henry told reporters while standing in front of three humming and demurely bopping uniformed firefighters. Henry is one of only three mutated humans known to Madison Avenue who can experience marked weight loss while consuming a loaf of bread and condimented luncheon meats twice daily.

(Reported by Errol Maturin)

Arthur Andersen Changes Name to Artria

Salt Lake City Tightens Security, Sphincters

Reno: Timmm-berrr!

Lay Lured Enron Employees to Sacrifice Own Children to Slug-Beasts

"Twofer Tuesday" Thwarted by One-Hit Wonders

Opinion: We Must Never Forget October 11

More headlines

McCain Vows To Wedgie, Pound Lieberman During Senate Recess

Distraught Tyson Eats Nevada Boxing Commission

LAS VEGAS, NV (DPI) - Boxer Mike Tyson ate the members of the Nevada Boxing Commission last week after they denied his license to fight and possibly eat heavyweight champ Lennox Lewis. Tyson had told the commission that while he's "no Mother Teresa," he's also "no Charles Manson." Tyson further elaborated that he's "no Mahatma Gandhi," "no Ted Bundy," "possibly Jeffrey Dahmer," but "certainly not Louis Pasteur," and asked to be treated "like any other spouse-abusing, convicted rapist, who frequently freaks out, curses, and bites people." The Commission voted 4-1 to reject Tyson's license and to recommend that he get a cat. In a related story, Tyson will appear on cable TV's Iron Mike Chef to cook up his signature dish, Roast Ear of Evander with Dill Sauce.

(Reported by Slick Sharkey)

Car Shopper Flummoxed By Exciting Sale Options

SPRINGFIELD, IL (DPI) - Springfield-area resident John Smurda wants to buy a car, but is torn between sales events currently in his area. "I mean, I've been waiting all year for the Chevrolet Make Your Money Count Event, because who wants to buy a car when your money doesn't count? But now I'm seeing ads for Toyotathon 2002, and they say it'll be even bigger than ever!" When asked if other events have piqued his interest, Smurda noted the Pontiac Sale-A-Bration was tempting, as was Chuck Fritz's Used Cars' giant inflatable dinosaur. "It's a pretty cool dinosaur, and they light it up at night." Smurda says he'll decide by next week, then the numbers for the Truckville mayoral primaries come in.

(Reported By Craig Stacey)

Man Sues Over Besmirchment of Own Britches

ARLINGTON, VA (DPI) - Arlington resident Tod Gettys, 37, has filed a $10 billion lawsuit against McNeil Health Corp. over the failure of their Imodium AD product to prevent the complete and utter emptying of his bowels directly into his very own pants. The discharge was actually into his underwear, but the cotton levee quickly gave way to the high-pressure black riverine delta that spewed forth, leaving the inner pants area to bear the brunt of the load. The suit claims that McNeil Corp. was negligent when it encased the poo-stiffening pills in tamper-proof packaging likely to cause the urgently squirming consumer to lose precious minutes fumbling and scraping, thus creating a high likelihood of an accidental relaxing of the crucial muscle that is the linchpin of non-self-debasement. The suit claims $30 for replacement of clothing, $9 billion for pain and suffering, and just under $1 billion for permanent loss of consort with Mrs. Gettys, who "isn't getting under that."

(Reported by Steve Meckleburg)

Dateline: July 8, 1997
Amish Motors Unveils New 1998 Model

WHEATFIELD, PA (DPI) - Amish Motors this week rolled out their new 1998 model buggy, the MegaBullet 300xi Turbo. The 4-wheel-roll vehicle comes equipped with luxury items such as the Abacus2000 odometer, Naugahyde seats, and spare 5-foot wheel. Available options include leather feedbag and passenger-side bonnet holder.

(Reported by Tristan Fabriani)

  World News
¤ "Detainees" Upgraded to "Guest Workers"
¤ Satan Orders New "WTC Money Scammers" Ass-Pitchforks
¤ "CinnaStix" Being Spat Out Somewhere
¤ Al Qaeda One Step Closer to C.H.U.D. Status
¤ Girl Scouts Test Nuke Against Grenada

  Domestic News
¤ Dr. Scholl Named Director of Homeland Footwear Security
¤ FAA Bans 101 Acts Of Terror Using Only Nail Clippers From Airport Newstands
¤ Ashcroft: "Stop Giving Me Hard-ons!"
¤ Pot Calls Kettle "Cookware-American"
¤ Satan Buys Condo in Inglis, Florida
¤ DJ's Bowel Movement Outlasts Free Bird
¤ Bush, Kennedy Families to Square Off on Family Feud
¤ Wealthiest 5 Percent Wipe Pampered Asses With Tax Cut

  Local News
¤ Man Wants His Baby Back Baby Back Baby Back
¤ Hungry Teen Tempted by "Forbidden Fruit" Silica Gel Packet
¤ Scoopable Litter Remains Unscooped
¤ Man Covers House in Tin Foil, Shame
¤ Piano Dealer Snaps, Kills 4,817th Chopsticks-Playing Customer
¤ Man Forfeits Corvette For Driving Like a Wuss

¤ Peggy Lee's Face Lives On
¤ Aging, Mellowing Johnny Rotten Upgraded to Johnny Inconsiderate
¤ Lloyd's of London Insures Jagger's Crank for 60 Years/60,000 Groupies
¤ Madonna Fucked

¤ Team USA Playing Soccer Somewhere, Experts Claim
¤ Summerall Seeks "Madden Cruiser" in Divorce
¤ Bobsledder Tests Positive for Speed
¤ Confused, Pantsless Kordell Stewart Spotted at Superdome
¤ Mike Tyson Book Club Features The Fluffy Bunny That Snapped
¤ K-State Sucks

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