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February 8, 2005

We are proud to announce that the Daily Probe is now a daily newspaper.
Imagine that! After all these years, we're finally going to live up to our name.
So check back every weekday for updates. And spread the word!

NASA Relies on Probe-Smashing Experience for New Comet-Busting Mission

CAPE CANAVERAL, Fla. (DPI) - NASA has announced the launch of its new "Deep Impact" probe, specially designed to collide with and blast a hole in Comet Tempel 1. "This isn't really something new for us," said NASA spokesperson Jason Mulesh. "In fact, smashing something into a comet could be viewed as simply a logical extension of our numerous successful probe-smashing missions." To date, NASA has managed to smash probes into Mars, Venus, Earth's moon, the International Space Station, the space shuttle Endeavor and parts of southern Texas.

(Reported by Rod Grebbas)

Bush Tries "Funner" Approach for Social Security Plan Name

WASHINGTON (DPI) - President George W. Bush has once again renamed his plan to privatize Social Security, this time choosing to christen it the "Double-Plus Good Happy Fun-Fun Go Plan!" Though the plan was originally dubbed "Social Security Privatization," the Bush administration changed it to "Social Security Personal Accounts" after the word "privatization" polled badly. The plan then went through a brief period in which it was called "Super Plan Plus," but polls showed voters connected that name with fat clothes. Most recently, Bush insisted that reporters refer to it as the “Make Democrats Eat It” plan, but only reporters on stipend from the White House made the change.

(Reported by Slick Sharkey)

Pope Urges Hitler to Stop Invading Europe

Senate Dems Were Hoping for Someone "Less Torturey" Than Gonzales

Toy Recall: "Exploding Zamboni" Possibly Harmful to Toddlers

Sudden Appearence of Porsche Linked to Recent Discovery of Grey Pube

Soap Opera Summary: Evil Twin Has Affair, Amnesia

Notable quotes from this week's news:

"It's a sad day. Take a real good look: It may be done up by the most expensive hairdressers in the District, but it's still a damn mullet. No one with a mullet should ever be secretary of state."

- Senator TED KENNEDY on the confirmation of Condoleezza Rice.

"Just when people were beginning to forget, it brings into sharp relief all over again how utterly crappy I am."

- Tonight Show host JAY LENO on the death of Johnny Carson.

"I handed him the paper and he was thirty seconds from asking for 'zafillion' but at the last minute I lost my nerve and told him it was '80 billion'."

- Vice President DICK CHENEY on President Bush's request for more military funds.

"Not saying 'God' -- just intelligent. Way intelligent. So intelligent that, if this Intelligence wanted to, it could build the universe in a week."

- A phrase on Intelligent Design found in an Indiana text book.

"Admit it: Twenty hair cuts and eight years later, when you look at him, even today, tell me you don't see that little pompadour."

- Unnamed Oscar voter on why ex-Ace Ventura star Jim Carrey failed to get a nomination.

(Compiled by Davejames)

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