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February 9, 2005

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Republicans Unveil New Anti Gay-Abortion Initiative

WASHINGTON (DPI) - With the extended holiday season finally over, House Republicans have wasted no time in introducing a new issue: a law banning gay people from having abortions. While acknowledging that the problem of gay abortion is slight, party spokesman Marty Bowles points out a huge upside to the initiative: "The Democrats' inevitable shrill and time-wasting denunciations can only serve to once again distract them from issues that are really important to ordinary Americans. We Republicans like to throw a little red meat to the Left, then sit back and watch them hold press conferences, lead the network news and write the issue into television scripts. Meanwhile, we can go about our true business of undermining the social safety net for the poorest Americans, unmolested." In related news, a new organization called Gays and Lesbians United to Kill Our Babies If We Damn Well Please will be prominently featured in the story line for this week's The West Wing episode.

(Reported by Brian Jones)

Abu Ghraib Guard Sentenced to Be Attorney General

BAGHDAD (DPI) - Sgt. Dan McClellan, convicted of torturing prisoners at Abu Ghraib has been sentenced to a four-year term as Attorney General of the United States. McClellan will replace Alberto Gonzalez, who merely wrote the memoranda discounting the authority of the Geneva Conventions and authorizing torture under U.S. law. Explained the Court Martial Presiding Officer, "Gonzalez may have approved the use of torture, but McClellan was the gung-ho guy who actually went ahead and did it. That's the kind of man we need in charge of the U.S. legal system." McClellan plans to appeal, seeking a sentence to a four-year term as President.

(Reported by Slick Sharkey)

Johnny Carson Dead; How Dead Is He?

Morality in Iraq Collapses with Rampant Displays of Women's Ankles

Noticably Legal Woman Fired From Barely Legal Strip Club

Apple Develops New iPod That Can Fit Comfortably in Your Ass

Wacky Foreigners Eat Weird Shit

Study: Will Smith "Queer Eye" Movie Not Fooling Anyone

God Promising Next Disaster Won't Be "Trite, Predictable"

HEAVEN (DPI) - The Divine Creator, known for his early work on parting, and then collapsing, the Red Sea, his pioneering work on non-consumptive flaming shrubbery and the smiting from the face of the earth the towns of Sodom and Gomorrah, has been criticized lately by disaster watchers and critics for falling into a cycle of predictable, cliche ridden disasters.

"I mean, hurricanes are cool and it was a nice touch hitting a state with 4 of them in one short 2 month period, but isn't the whole tropical cyclone motif simply just overdone these days? He who is 'I am' is falling more and more into being 'He who has been' from the perspective of really being a a trend-setting creative force of destruction", said Rex Reed, noted critic.

Other critics are mixed on God's recent work. Gene Shalit praised his work, commenting that his recent Acts of Divine Retribution were, "Creative, enjoyable family fun with all the rushing water, flaming buildings and mass graves that are the signature of a Holy Smiting" while Roger Ebert called noted, "Like John Woo, an originally creative force has fallen into a pattern of predictable, mysterious ways. Where is the God that brought us the non-stop Plagues of Egypt or the spectacular Flood of the World. It's like he's phoning it in these days just to collect the post-event prayer bump and a couple of points on the ad revenue from the cable news networks"

God's agent on earth, represented by Pope John Paul II, told critics to prepare for more of God's acts, both sublime and spectacular.

"He could keep things small and art-house, such as having your best friend die suddenly from a brain aneurysm in the shower one morning, or over the top like the old days, with a full-on 'not doubting he exists anymore' event, complete with the voices of the multitudes of Angels cheering him on as he melts the ground beneath the wicked into lava while reciting their sins against him. We just can't predict his ineffable artistic nature"

(Reported by Ross Brown)

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