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February 10, 2005

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Prince Chuck to Wed Longtime Fuck-Buddy

LONDON (DPI) - Britain's Prince Charles will marry Camilla Parker Bowles on April 8, according to a royal spokesperson. Bowles will not be allowed to use the title of Princess, however, as royal tradition dictates that she be known as Her Royal Highness the Duchess of Cornwall Princess Consort Lady of the Fake Mrs. Can't-Get-Married-in-a-Catholic-Church Madam Step-Mom to Little NaziBoy Won't Get a Dime When He Dies of Windsor.

(Reported by Rowan Smithe)

Royal Marriage Won't Stop Royal Buggering

LONDON (DPI) - Prince Charles has hinted that his impending nuptials to Camilla Parker Bowles will give him no cause to give up illicit gay sex. Sources close to the prince say he plans to continue gleefully buggering other men in his close-knit circle of friends, confidants and staff.

"Oh yes!" exclaims Bernie Tewilliger, a royal stable hand. "His Highness was just telling the other day, 'Tewilliger, my good fellow, I must say there's nothing quite as exhilarating as the slap of a riding crop on a young, glistening flank when you know sweet victory is but moments away. I shan't for a moment imagine Camilla would have me forsake this little indulgence.'"

Glancing around quickly, Tewilliger then whispered, "Alas, the prince is also quite fond of polo. But it can be a dangerous game and there are scandalous rumblings that Lady Bowles is bringing pressure to bear for him to to retire the ponies."

(Reported by Brad Osberg)

Pope, Arafat Talks Postponed Again

Mid-East Possession Arrow Turned to "Peace"

Olsen Twins Now Officially Creepier Than Own Fans

Survey: Red-State Sphincters 12 Percent Less-Clenched Since Election

England Begins Preparations for Sort-of Wedding

LONDON (DPI) - Because they are both divorced, Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles will more or less be united in a civil ceremony, rather than in a church. They may or may not stand before the Archbishop of Canterbury for a prayer of dedication. "In fact, it might not actually be us going through with it. It could be someone else entirely," said the Prince. According to Palace sources, Charles and Porky-Bowels plan to honeymoon in Scotland, or perhaps just wander down to the local pub for a pint or two.

Queen Elizabeth voiced her support for the couple's plans. "We are very pleased that Charles and Caramello are going to do something, whatever it is," stated the monarch. Public opinion is apathetically divided with slightly over half in favor of the Prince and his special friend "doing whatever they're going to do, since they've been doing it all along anyway."

(Reported by Kevin Wickart)

McQuigly and Moss


We Have Not Yet Begun to Fight

By Dirk McQuigly

The citizens of Iraq have voted, their leader has been chosen and their first taste of democracy has crossed their parched lips. Now, some say it's time to pull our troops out of harm's way now that our job is done. Hey, did the Rebellion throw a kegger after the first time they blew up the Death Star and call it a night? I think not.

Our goal in Iraq isn't just to ensure they would have a democracy, but that they continue to have a democracy while Saddam Hussein's remaining supporters and regime are still loose. If we were to turn around now while the potential for a reversal of power is still imminent, everything we worked to achieve would be lost in the long run. Imagine if Captain Kirk ordered his ship to turn around after destroying Khan. The Genesis planet would've died out and Spock would just be a distant memory in my mind like he is right now.

These people still need our help. They're like Ewoks of the Middle East only with less hair, more height and languages that are more understandable and not as annoying. Victory is not a reason to pack up and go home. This past weekend was the result of many sacrifices and hard work but it wasn't by any means the end. Just like Return of the Jedi, it's a "To be continued..."

Home Is Where You Hang Your Helmet

By Anna Moss

The Prime Directive. Quite an enlightened idea which our society apparently isn't mature enough as a race to implement. The Prime directive states that any Federation member cannot interfere with another race's affairs. (Yes, I know Kirk broke it on a regular basis, but George Bush is no James T. Kirk).

So now that we've succeeded in bringing elections to Iraq, let's bring some of our troops home. It's time. Usually it's the bad guys that stay and occupy the country they defeated. But our soldiers are our kids, brothers, sisters and in some cases our parents. Our army is not the Cro-Mags where military service is mandatory for life. Or the Peacekeepers, born and bred to fight. I can go on and on. They are just not professional fighters.

This is just like my 11th-grade cheering coach. After practice we girls would just sit around and throw the bull. But there was Miss Crane. She just wouldn't leave us alone. We couldn't get her to withdraw. We seem to always want people to do as we want to. When his planet was destroyed by the crystalline entity, Picard tried to make the the survivors come with them. In other words, the military was butting in where it wasn't wanted.

So Bring them home, Mr. Bush. Make the world know that its strongest military is also compassionate.

(Transcribed by Danny Gallagher and Jeff Rabinowitz)

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