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February 11, 2005

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Starbucks Begins Eviction Proceedings Against Guy With Laptop

Madison, Wisc. (DPI) - A Starbucks coffee shop has initiated eviction proceedings against a man who has resided at the table by the electrical outlet since October. Despite the impending legal action, Ronald Mills, 37, has thus far not budged from his spot. Starbucks manager Greg Winfield says that while the company doesn't mind patrons who "Look, the dude ordered a single cup of coffee -- a *tall* cup -- months ago, then sat down and never bought anything else. He's probably used a couple hundred bucks' worth of electricity sitting there. I'm all for customers chilling, but dude...." Mills remains resolute in the face of adversity, saying, "They can't make me leave, man. It's a fuckin' Starbucks."

(Reported by Tristan Fabriani)

FCC Pre-Bans Naked "Fat Actress" Kirstie Ally

WASHINGTON (DPI) - The FCC has pre-approved sanctions and fines against any broadcaster who airs nude images of Kirstie Ally's body parts. The federal agency admits it made the unprecedented decision as a conciliatory gesture to the morality-based activist group, Parents Television Council. (PTC) Explains FCC Commissioner Kathleen Abernathy: ""We felt we had to throw the PTC a bone, since they're responsible for almost ALL of all grievances filed with us." Other previous actions taken to appease the PTC included limiting all future reruns of Friends to one family-friendly episode in which Joey gets a raw turkey stuck on his head; and that Spongebob be forced to wear a looser fitting, less-revealing pair of square pants.

This latest ruling promises fines of up to $1 million, with no hearings or due process, to broadcasters showing nude images of Ms. Ally's body parts that fall into that area from her neck down to the Fat Actress star's knees. "That covers breasts, nipples, belly, butt and/or butt crack, pubic area and inner thighs," explained Abernathy. " I think its pretty safe to say that America isn't ready to see any of that stuff."

(Reported by Rod Grebbas)

Bill O'Reilly Stand Behinds "I Danced Ballet!" Story

Howard Dean Promoted to Head Loser

Arthur Miller Looking Forward to Nailing Marilyn Again

Gambling Addictions: Study Suggests Odds Are 4:7 Someone You Love Is Affected

Michael Powell Taking Time to Catch Up With Desperate Housewives

Masturbators Unsatisfied After Superbowl Halftime Show

Bad Cupid: Valetine Cards from the dark side

Ask Zarxnol

The premier child psychologist on his home planet
Xargolia before being called to the service of his
Warrior-God Xargol as a conqueror of lesser worlds, Zarxnol
happilly adresses the child-raising concerns of our readers.

Dear Zarxnol,

My six-year-old Connor had been positively rotten all year until the family Thanksgiving dinner. There, my mother got fed up with him and told him that if he didn't straighten up and be a good boy, Santa wouldn't bring him any presents. Ever since his warning from Grandma, he's been courteous, charming and helpful. I hate threatening my son like that, but I can't say I don't like the results! How do you suggest I keep Connor on Santa's good list all year long?

Pondering in Plattsburg


Thank you for addressing a dilemma that is undoubtedly playing out in a multitude of households during this Holiday Season, especially in the Western cultures with their fanciful Santa Claus myth. Indeed, I have been waiting for such a question lo these many months!

How do you curb your scion's natural impulses to do as he wishes? Dullard! Have you yet to comprehend the lessons of my previous columns in which I tout the discipline of and constant display of superiority over your lessers as primary tools of behavioral modification? In Xargol's righteous name, Pond, were I to walk through the ocean of your intellect, I impugn the notion that my feet could be considered moist!

Given your blinding idiocy, by default Connor is clearly the superior in this relationship. Therefore you must resort to the most effective weapon of the weak - deceit. To this end, the cultural construct of convenience Claus is ideal.

Through Claus, the otherwise impotent adult can leverage his influence with a nigh-invisible yet well-defined creature of all-powerful benevolence in order to alter the comportment of his youthful superior. Should the desired behavior be resultant of the Claus bluff, your compensation to Connor is but the silly plastic flashing-light robot toys and Fondle Me Elmos that you have already been stockpiling for this holiday occasion. Should the Claus gambit fail to conform your spawn's conduct, however, Connor's rage of disappointment would manifest itself in guilt and self-loathing, thus protecting your feeble delusion of parental sufficiency.

Of course, should Connor see through the paper-thin ruse that is the absurd fable of an obese Eskimo delivering gifts to children willy-nilly by gaining domestic entrance through a narrow rooftop ventilation duct which went out of manufacturing vogue with the steam engine and tin-type, Connor's wrath would most certainly be grievous. The consequential misery in the Ering household this Christmas shall only be outdone on the day that the Xargolian forces march from the sea to decimate utterly your comically-defended Plattsburg.

Ah, yes. Knowledge of the inevitable domination, subjugation, and destruction of all humans at my merciless heel in the name of Xargol, He Most High of the Seven Teats does indeed fill me with mirth. I am fraught with the Christmas spirit, indeed!


Send your questions to Zarxnol at:

(Translated by Carl Knorr)

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