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February 11, 2002

NBC Warns of Patriotic Retinal Scarring During Olympics Telecast

SALT LAKE CITY, UT (DPI) - In an effort to save television viewers' sight from the blinding patriotism on display at the Salt Lake City Winter Olympics, NBC has distributed special safety glasses to viewers. The glasses, made of a material manufactured in France, will prevent the type of sight loss which affected Ray Charles due to his decades of singing the blindingly patriotic tune America the Beautiful. For viewers who did not get the glasses in time, NBC will flash an "avert eyes" warning each time an American athlete utters the words "real heroes," "New York" or "firemen."

(Reported by Dave James)

Jacko Goes Gangsta for Upcoming Straight Outta Neverland CD

NEVERLAND RANCH, CA (DPI) - In order to appeal to contemporary tastes, King of Pop Michael Jackson is undertaking a wholesale revamping of his image, including cosmetic surgery to broaden his nose and darken his skin. After the dismal flop of his recent CD, Invincible, which was in the Billboard Top 10 for only hours, Jackson decided that he needed to update his milquetoast image to turn things around. "Yo, mothafuckaz, lizzisten up to Wack Jacko -- I'm back and I'm black, my niggaz!" said Jackson. His upcoming release, Straight Outta Neverland, will feature such potential hits as Kidz in the Bed, Fuck Tha Llamas, and Puppy Dogg Style.

(Reported by Tristan Fabriani)

Desperate Man Asking Women to "Be My Phallentine"

COLUMBUS, OH (DPI) - Columbus resident Dan Coleman, 30, has continued his astounding descent into embarrassment with the opposite sex by starting to ask them if they wanted to "be his Phallentine." "He's a nice enough guy," receptionist Jennifer Hajer said of Coleman, a Marketing Director and perennial bachelor, "But then he opens his mouth." Hajer's comments were echoed by about 75 women from the Last Resort Bar and Grill, where Coleman is said to sing "Just A Gigolo" every Tuesday night on karaoke while wearing "really embarrassing" pleather pants. This recent trend marks Coleman's worst public humiliation since Christmas 2001, when he tied mistletoe onto his belt buckle at an office party.

(Reported by Greg Preece & Jim Rosenberg)

Study: Girls Going 20% Less Wild

WASHINGTON, DC (DPI) - In a revelation sending shockwaves throughout college campuses across the country, the occurrence of girls gone wild has dropped by a shocking 20 percent since September 11, a new report concluded. The report, a project of a non-profit coalition, notes severe reductions in flashing and jiggling among drunken sorority girls. Bush Administration officials, upon hearing of the report, called for a $5-billion bailout for the voyeur-camera industry, and issued a statement calling upon hot wild coeds to do their part to return the nation to its pre-attack free-for-all. Despite the recent drop, experts expect a slight increase in girls going wild 47 days before the first Sunday after the Spring Equinox.

(Reported by Stuart Johnson)

America Wants to Know: Who's the Black Private Dick That's a Sex Machine to All the Chicks?

SHAFT (DPI) - Damn right.

(Reported by Greg Preece)

Pro Bowl Excitement Sweeps Tens

HONOLULU (DPI) -- Tens of Americans were caught up in the excitement of Pro Bowl weekend, and dozens more tuned in to the events leading up to "The Big Game" on Saturday. According to ABC, "a whole bunch" of spectators were riveted by the exciting lineup of activities which supposedly culminated with the Pro Bowl itself. As ABC basked in its best sports ratings in years, industry analysts estimated that as many as a few hundred Americans enjoyed the Topps NFL Experience, the Pro Bowl Beach Bowling Bash, the NFL Gatorade Junior Training Camp and other events alleged to have taken place during the past week.

(Reported by Travis Ruetenik & Jim Griffith)

Olympic Gold Medalist Achieves Record-Breaking 16.07.43 Minutes of Fame

McCartney Announces Tour; Fiancée to Accompany Him on One Leg

Kenneth Lay Missing; Presumed Wealthy

Study Shows All World's Round Objects Currently Euphemisms for "Breast"

Critics Call Rollerball One of the Films Of 2002

Weary Comic Readers Demand Deader Schulz

Ice Dancer Nails Landing, Partner

More headlines

Etymology Professor Praises Use of "Earthy, Vulgar Quadrilaterals" in Student's "Fuck off" Note

Daily Probe Exclusive: An Interview With Kenneth Lay

Ashcroft Opposes Stimulus Package, Citing Already-Stimulated Package

WASHINGTON (DPI) - In a surprise political move, Attorney General John Ashcroft today announced his opposition to President Bush's proposed stimulus package, admitting that "my package is already stimulated enough." Instead, Ashcroft is pushing for money to put burkas on all female statues in the Capital, replace the powdered wig on the George Washington memorial with "something less exciting" and to do something about "all those naked horses."

(Reported by Joseph Moore)

"Bush-Daughtered" Replaces "Shitfaced" in US Drunkard Vernacular

MADISON, WI (DPI) - In a press conference this week, The National Council of Drunken College Freshmen unanimously adopted the phrase "Bush-Daughtered" as the preferred way to describe one's extreme intoxication. "Dude, I am totally Bush-Daughtered," commented the council's obviously inebriated President James "El Kegster" Bryant. "We've been pretty Barbara'd all week, baby! I'm pretty Jenna'd right now but not quite Noelled yet. Woo!" Runner-up alternatives to the new phrase included "Party RD (Robert Downey'd)" and "Getting WAYLA (What Are You Looking At)."

(Reported by Mark Niebuhr)

Dateline: July 25, 1997

FDA Recalls One Million Pounds of Beefcake

WASHINGTON, DC (DWPI) - The Food and Drug Administration today recalled over a million pounds of beefcake that had been tainted with the E. coli bacteria. Items possibly carrying the bacteria, which results in severe gastrointestinal discomfort, are the October issue of Playgirl Magazine, Barbara Cartland's most recent novel, Buttons A-Poppin', the Dallas Cowboys entire first-string offensive line, and anything bearing the image of David Hasselhoff.

(Reported by Chris White)

  World News
¤ Guantanamo Prisoners Demand Strip Searches from Condoleezza Rice
¤ Bin Laden to Headline Evildoers Convention
¤ US Pilots to Attend Axe-Wielding Classes
¤ New E-Mail Virus Bangs Your Sister

  Domestic News
¤ Bush's "47-Gajillion Buck" Budget Revised to $2.1 Trillion
¤ ACLU Set to Represent Statue-Americans
¤ 7-Eleven's New UltraMega Big Gulp Large Enough to Fucking Bathe In
¤ Clinton to Clooney: Stop Bogarting the Nookie
¤ Amex Introduces New Thorium Card with Payback Period of 1.4 Million Years
¤ Ashcroft Concerned Kenneth Lay's Dome Too Tit-like

  Local News
¤ Runaway Homecoming Float Doesn't
¤ Resumé Reuse Resumed

¤ Former Pop Star Tiffany Poses Naked; Thousands Wax Nostalgically
¤ New "Survivor" to be Twice as Survivory
¤ Men's Poll: "Best Lesbian Love Scene" Oscar Category Way Overdue
¤ Ryder Pleads Not Guilty By Reason of Celebrity
¤ Larry King to Get Suspender Lift
¤ Patti LaBelle's Hair: My Dad Used to Clean the Barbecue Grill With Something That Looked Like That

¤ Bobby Knight: T-Minus One Bad Call and Counting
¤ Tyson v. Bin Laden On
¤ McNabb, Warner Seek Injunction Against Soup-Wielding Mothers
¤ Clumsy Skaters Association to Sponsor "Butts on Ice"
¤ Tyson Sets Record Straight: "I'm a Dangerous Lunatic"
¤ Norway Sucks

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