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February 11, 2003

Powell Delivers Iraqi War Evidence to
Mrs. Stein's Kindergarten Class

MIAMI (DPI) - Secretary of State Colin Powell made the case for Iraq's non-compliance with U.N. resolutions and immediate threat to the free world before Mrs. Stein's kindergarten class at Stevenson Elementary School. This select group of 5-year-olds representing the entire Highland Park neighborhood gave rapt attention to the presentation, although two students did appear to be coloring on each other, and Emily Westphal was briefly excused to go potty. Adam Granger was impressed by Powell's evidence, but his best friend Michael Cohen was skeptical, "Is anfrax like cooties?" he asked. "'Cos there's shots." After Powell's summation, the class voted 15-2 that Saddam Hussein was a "total poopy-head."

(Reported by Slick Sharkey)

Pizza Engineers Working to Correct Problems With New Crust Technology

WICHITA, Kan. (DPI) - Top-level Pizza Hut engineers are working feverishly to determine the cause of problems with the new Stuffed Crust Gold Pizza after a public mishap Saturday shed doubts on the entire stuffed-crust concept. Susan Lytle, head researcher in Pizza Hut Inc.'s Crust Technology Division, said that a cheese leak resulted from a breach in the outer crust layer, possibly caused by impact from a break-away piece of olive during the initial baking process. Leaking cheese has long been the bane of stuffed-crust science, but Pizza Hut's "Gold" approach was thought to have resolved the tricky issue by coating the fragile crust with a layer of heat-resistant cheddar cheese.

(Reported by Tristan Fabriani)

Republicans Searching for New Ways to Upset Minorities

Washington DC (DPI) - Unsatisfied with record-low support from non-white voters, Republicans are hoping to alienate even more minorities in the coming weeks. According to party insiders, Trent Lott's racially insensitive statements and President Bush's unexpected decision to oppose the affirmative action rules in Michigan have not done enough to whitewash the party. "Turns out even some minorities are against affirmative action," said one insider. "Some people just can't take a [expletive] hint." New ideas include laws declaring English as the nation's official language and square as the nation's official dance.

(Reported by Mark Schmidt)

Dude Gets Cell

New York (DPI) - Actor and Dell Computer pitchman Ben Curtis, who portrays the character "Steve" in Dell's television commercials, was arrested Sunday in Manhattan for being a totally fucking annoying little turd.

(Reported by Tristan Fabriani)

Shit Blowed Up Real Good

HUNTSVILLE, Ala. (DPI) - In a scene described by witnesses as "a hoot," that sumbitch blowed up real good today, drunken sources said. Arnold "Pooh Bear" Jackson, mastermind of the shit blowing-up, credited kerosene, duct tape over the exhaust and "damn near perfect aim" for the successful blowing-up experience. "Last year Bud blowed off his thumb lighting the wick on this other shit we was blowing up," the whiskey-addled Jackson said, "so this time I just hooked up an old truck battery and filled a few beer cans with cement and packed them up in there real good." Next time, Jackson plans to grab a bunch of them old cinder blocks and blow up that engine block out back.

(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)

Car Broke

WWILKES-BARRE, Penn. (DPI) - My fucking car broke again. What the hell IS an alternator anyway? Last week it was my fucking CD player. I'm about to LOSE it ARRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!

(Reported by Jeff Rabinowitz)

Bubbles: "Sad ... So Sad"

Raelians Outraged as Cheap Pirated Clones Flood Asia Market

Shit from IKEA Now 12% Harder to Put Together

Bush Proposes Tax-Cut Solution to Shuttle Disaster

Whiny Infant Aborts Dad's Plan for Dump

Writing How-To Books for Dummies Tops Bestseller List

Steve Irwin Hospitalized Following Shih-Tzu Attack

Courtney Love to Use "I Thought I Was on Slutty Airlines!" Defense

More headlines

The Daily Probe Presents a Review of Homeland Security Threat Levels

Thoughtful Boyfriend Purchases Valentine's Day Gift Prior to Feb. 14th Deadline

Romantic Comedies, Hollywood to Divorce

Nation Relieved After Richard Gere Not Nominated for Oscar

HOLLYWOOD, Calif. (DPI) - America breathed a collective sigh of relief today after learning that Richard Gere failed to receive a Best Actor Oscar nomination for his starring role in the hit film Chicago. "Given Gere's track record of spacey, long-winded acceptance speeches full of whacked extreme left-wing political views and pseudo-Buddhist philosophical babble, the academy just couldn't risk it," said film critic Roger Ebert. "And after Gere's looney filibuster at last month's Golden Globe Awards, they felt that America had suffered enough already." Many Oscar viewers were said to still be recuperating from Halle Barry's acceptance speech last year.

(Reported by Miles Walker)

Man With Erection Wakes Up Next to Dog

LANSING, Mich. (DPI) - Evan Martine, 26, never considered himself a sexual deviant before, but began a severely critical analysis of his sexual behaviors after innocently waking up with his erect penis touching his 6-year-old Labrador retriever, Mickey. "She sometimes jumps into bed with me when it's stormy outside and it's never bothered me before, but this changes things," said a blushing Martine. He insisted that the erection was entirely a non-sexual nocturnal occurrence, that Mickey's back was only just barely touching it, and that he'd been dreaming only about eating a giant pizza with Squidward from Spongebob Squarepants.

(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)

Gods of War, Ghost of Patton to Explore Options Toward Peace

WASHINGTON (DPI) - In an effort to show skeptical allies that the United States is not moving hastily into war with Iraq, President Bush convened a presidential panel today to explore diplomatic options. The panel, made up of Ares, Mars and the ghost of Gen. George S. Patton, is expected to pore over every last possibility. "We will consider all viable peaceful solutions. For example, Saddam and every member of his forces falling on their swords or even all males over the age of 13 marching into the sea," said panel spokesman Ares, Son of Zeus. "It doesn't necessarily have to come down to the U.S. vanquishing its foul demon-tongued foe on the fields of glory and honor in order to have great songs sung about their victorious exploits until the end of time."

(Reported by Davejames)

Surgeon General: America's Colons May Not Be Sufficiently Cleansed

WASHINGTON (DPI) - A startling report from the Office of the Surgeon General concludes that as many as 19 percent of Americans may not be taking adequate colon-cleansing measures such as linseed, oat bran or psyllium husk. "To think that in our modern society, people are walking around with uncleansed colons is mind-boggling," said dietitian Louise Ward of the Alternative Health Education Association. While sales of acidophilus, dried fruits, green tea enemas and Metamucil have nearly tripled since 1994, as many as one in five Americans is at risk for carrying unclean, dirty and possibly waste-containing matter in their large intestines, according to Ward. "The government has done little to provide education about ass-tubing and herbal laxatives to the segments of the population who need it most," she said.

(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)

"Pissing Calvin" Piece de Resistance of $15,000 Truck Upgrade

Ringo Evidently Still Quite Healthy
"Thong-Bomber" Attack: Pants, Appetites Ruined
Germany Decries "Long History of Needless American Aggression"
Large Marge Sends Gangly Pedophile

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