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February 15, 2005

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Controversial Native-American Professor Denounced by Controversial Native-American Group

Boulder, Col. (DPI) - Controversial University of Colorado professor Ward Churchill has no Native-American lineage, according to a statement issued by a likewise-controversial organization of Native Americans known as the Red-State Redskin Collective. The organization further asserts that Prof. Churchill is actually an anorexic Asian woman. According to foundation spokesman Ronald Bigfeather, "Mr. -- or rather, Mrs. -- Churchill has a mixed-Asian heritage ranging from Vietnam, China and Laos." Churchill denies the latest charges, which come on the heels of the discovery that he holds no Ph.D. and that his master's degree is from the Devry Institute. At press time, RSRC members were investigating additional claims alluding to Churchill being French, Canadian or worse: French-Canadian.

(Reported by Stuart Johnson, et al.)

Bush Accused of Planting Wife Laura in Press Pool

WASHINGTON (DPI) - The White House apparently planted First Lady Laura Bush in the press pool to ask soft-ball questions. Newly examined transcripts of President Bush's last press conference reveal that a reporter identified as "Laura from the Crawford Chronicle," interrupted questions about Iranian Shiite influence over the new Iraqi government to ask Bush, "How does it feel to be the most wonderful man that ever lived?" On another occasion, "Laura" asked the president, "Should those treasonous, monkey-loving Democrats really be allowed to live in our great land of freedom?" The White House defended Mrs. Bush's right to adore her husband just like everybody else.

(Reported by Slick Sharkey)

Confused Dems Elect Bush Party Chairman

New Ass-Biting Dog Movie Popular With Kids, Ass-Biting Dogs

Desk Chair De-Farted with Vacuum, Spray

Pug/Dachshund Mix the Freakiest Thing Ever

Canseco Claims to Have Injected JFK, Belushi

Bad Cupid: Valetine Cards from the dark side

This week's guest:

Lincoln French Fry

Joan: Welcome, hot off the menu, the Lincoln French Fry!

Lincoln French Fry: Thanks Joan! It's a pleasure. A real pleasure.

Joan: We are so pleased you had time in your schedule to speak to us.

LFF: I love the people.

Joan: I think the question everyone in America wants to ask you right now is this: Are you edible?

LFF: That's the question? Not "how did I end up looking like Lincoln?"

Joan: Well, that too.

LFF: Yes, I'm edible. And I don't know how I ended up looking like Lincoln. If you know anything about the McDonald's Corporation, you know that there's just no room for individuality. I guess I'm less of a miracle and more of a complete mess-up by someone working Quality Control. I think I remember seeing the name tag "Daisy" on the person standing by the belt as I slid by, but it all happened so fast.

Joan: So "Daisy" didn't notice you weren't squared off, and there you went, into the fryer?

LFF: Yep. And then into the deep freeze and the packaging department. Boom boom boom -- next think I know, I'm being drowned in hot oil, salted and thrown under a warming light. Thank goodness Americans eat so damned many french fries. I got boxed up and bagged pretty quickly.

Joan: And lucky for you, the person who bought you noticed you look like Lincoln.

LFF: I was honored that he even noticed me, instead of shoveling me into his gaping maw with 10 or 15 other fries. That's how we usually get eaten.


LFF: Joan?

Joan: Oh, I'm sorry, I was just looking at your profile again and thinking of how hungry I am.

LFF: I'm worth a LOT of money over on Yahoo! Auctions. Like 22 thousand right now. And I was on tv in a commercial that cost over a million dollars to air! I am not just a french fry, any more. I am The Lincoln Fry. I have my own website!


LFF: Hello?

Joan: I didn't have any lunch.

LFF: Security!

(Transcribed by Jody LaFerriere)

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