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February 18, 2003

Mary Kay Pledges Cosmetics, Troops for Baghdad

DALLAS (DPI) - Mary Kay Inc. today announced that it has pledged to supply essential cosmetics to the war effort should President Bush deem it necessary to invade Iraq. Included in the pledge were sufficient personnel to guarantee timely and equitable distribution of the cosmetics. "After the invasion of Afghanistan, we at the Mary Kay Charitable Foundation learned of the horrid conditions under which Afghani women were forced to live -- without foundation, blush, mascara, or even lipstick," said Mary Kay spokesperson Saundra Peebles. "By the time the board could meet to discuss the matter, we were too late -- the burqas had already come off. But this time, we're ready. Before the world is subjected to the unfinished post-liberation Iraqi woman, Mary Kay will be there to cover her up."

(Reported by Charles Gulledge)

Competition Intensifies for Iraq's Axis of Evil Spot

WASHINGTON (DPI) - With the impending overthrow of Iraq looming large, countries around the world are honing their evildoer chops in hope of replacing Saddam's regime in President Bush's coveted Axis of Evil. "We are even now searching for a defenseless ethnic minority to gas," said one despot who wished to remain anonymous. "Ah, but that is old news," responded another merciless dictator. "Everybody more evil than Switzerland has gone the genocide route." Would-be Axis members are searching for just the right combination of nukes, bioweapons, religious fanaticism and oil reserves that will put them over the top.

(Reported by Ishmael Alighieri)

Hollywood Lackeys Go For Oscar Gold

HOLLYWOOD, Calif. (DPI) - Tinseltown's toadies, sycophants and hangers-on are kicking the ass-kissing up a notch with the onset of the Oscar race, which began with nominations on Tuesday. The phenomenon occurs each year as those with no industry-related skills seek to move up the Hollywood food chain through association. Pool boy to the stars Biff "Scoop" Turcott has seen his stock rise over the years to the point where he's now often allowed to hang out with the limo drivers outside A-list parties. The rewards for a successful lackey are many, from possessing the keys to Tom' Cruise's tool shed to occasionally driving Nick Nolte's car back from police impound.

(Reported by Brad Osberg)

Terror Alert Provides Actual Use for Christo

WASHINGTON (DPI) - With the terror threat newly elevated to orange, the Department of Homeland Security has enlisted pop artist Christo to help guard against chemical or biological attack. Christo, best known for large-scale projects in which he has wrapped trees, buildings and even entire landscapes in fabric, has agreed to put his talent to use covering U.S. government buildings in plastic sheeting. "Christo is the world's premier building-wrapper," said Secretary of Homeland Security Tom Ridge. Christo, tracked down at a Home Depot in suburban Washington, said, "I'm seeing the White House in a cerulean and the Pentagon in a key lime green."

(Reported by Peg Warner)

"Murder By Mercedes" Killer Sentenced to Death by Camry

Shatner's Toupee Put Down After Jogger Attacked

Pat Robertson Calls Prostate Cancer God's Retribution Against Sinners in His Pants

Despite Presidents Day Sales, Retailers Unable to Move Millard Fillmore

Ashcroft: Americans Should Go About Their Dirty, Sinful Business

Classified Section Editor Names Son Aaaron

Joke Saved by Jon Stewart's Perfectly-Timed Smirk

Astronomers' New Map of the Universe Confirms Kirstie Alley Can't Act

"Oh! Right There! Harder!": Naughty, Naughty Girl
More headlines

The Sandler Factor

Unfrozen Caveman Ant Thaws Out History

Powell Reveals Audiotape of Saddam Confessing to Andy Sipowicz

New Guidelines for Eating the Homeless

SANTA MONICA, Calif. (DPI) The Council for Eating the Homeless released its long-awaited cooking guidelines this week. The new rules warn against choosing the wild, disturbed, adventurous type as the constant running about in insane fueled fury makes him tough and stringy -- the leg is where all the good meat is. The most succulent homeless person has created his own pen out of a box, moves very little and sits about all day self-marinating in flavored spirits. This latter type is far harder to clean, certainly, as he won't remove himself from his own waste, but once he comes out of the oven, the effort put into cleaning him will be deliciously worthwhile.

(Reported by Davejames)

Big-Head Texan Hospitalized With Head Injury

LUFKIN, Texas (DPI) - Lone Star State resident Rob Barlow was airlifted to Jim Bowie Medical Center in critical condition when his pride burst just after he finished planting a small Texas flag at the site where the 100th piece of space shuttle debris was found on his Nacogdoches County ranch. According to medical experts, such head injuries are common in Texas. Barlow's doctors said if he hadn't been wearing his cowboy hat, his head would have been all over the range just like the shuttle.

(Reported by Dave Henry)

Oscar Preview: Deck, Actresses Stacked

Bag of Hammers Outscores Cheese on Standard IQ Tests
Bin Laden Releases Islamic Jihad Audio Book Series
Bush Weighs Korean Threat Vs. California Democratic Electoral Votes
Personal Injury Lawyers Sue for Respectability
U.S. Holds Key Tactical Advantage in Key Blowing-Shit-Up Category
Rich People Should Be Allowed to Get Richer, Extremely Well-Funded Study Concludes
New bin Laden Tape Reveals His American Idol Picks
Bush Considers Offering Saddam Asylum, Tax Cut

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