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Advice from Strangers

This week's guest:
Howard Stern

Oh, my God. I can't believe they're making me do a stupid advice column. I'm in the middle of a show, for Crissake! This is so stupid. Oh well, the lesbian ballet dancers cancelled on us, so we have to kill time somehow. What is The Daily Probe, anyway? Sounds like what I'd like to give Carmen Electra. Get it, Robin? A Daily Probe? So here we go...

Dear Howard,

I'm a college sophomore, and I've developed this serious crush on my PoliSci prof. He's older - like, about 35 - and really seriously cute. But I'm a student! How could he possibly be interested in me?

Crush-ed At Columbia

Dear CAC,

Come here, Honey... let me get a good look at you. Wow! You are one hot piece of ass, aren't you? What are those, D-cups? Nice. Man, your cans are hot, aren't they Robin? Let's get a look at that ass of yours, too. Wow. I'm about 10 seconds away from jumping over this console and giving you all of my tiny little penis. Jesus H. Christ, you are hot! Okay, Honey, this is what you do... stay after class with one of your hot friends, and then just start making out with her right in front of him - because guys really love lesbians. Then tell him you want to take him home and have him throw slices of baloney at your ass. If that doesn't get him for you, then he's obviously some kind of freak. I mean look at you! Jesus, I'm going to be pleasuring myself tonight, baby.


Dear Howard,

The other day, I was on the subway on the way to work, right? And I saw this guy...YOU SUCK STERN! IMUS RULES, YOU BIG NOSED HALF JE...

Dear Douchebag,

Jesus Christ, what the hell's going on here? Get in here, Baba Booey. Who's screening these letters anyway? You retard! Get out of my sight, you make me sick! Tell Stuttering John if that happens again he's fired! What kind of idiot morons do I have working for me? WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS? I'M THE KING OF ALL MEDIA! CAN'T I GET SOME EMPLOYEES WITH IQ'S HIGHER THAN A POTATO??? That's it. Gary, are you listening to me, you big-lipped idiot? You tell Tom that's it -- after my contract is over I'm quitting. I don't need this. Christ, where's my Xanax?


(Transcribed by Greg Preece)

The Daily Probe is updated every Tuesday
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