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February 19, 2002

Religious Abstinence Celebrated With
Breast Baring

NEW ORLEANS, LA (DPI) - Thousands flocked to New Orleans this week in celebration of Shrove Tuesday, in which the period leading up to Lent is celebrated by the baring of thousands of soft, supple female breasts. "Woo-hoo! Mardi Gras, baby!" declared Sara Lewis, a 21 year old USC junior, before exposing her magnificent 34-C mammaries to a crowd of appreciative frat boys. Similar sentiments were offered by the dozens of sweet young things who were offered 59-cent strings of gaudy plastic beads in return for the exposure of their phenomenal young breasts in an apparent celebration of God. "Eat your heart out, boys!" said 19-year-old Amber Phelps, who shook her wonderfully pert 32-B sweater puppies for the assembled masses. It was unclear whether the "boys" in question were the cheering, drunken men or the Apostles who carried out Jesus's work.

(Reported by Greg Preece)

Feds Warn Against Non-February Black History Appreciation

WASHINGTON, DC (DPI) - While some Americans will conveniently forget black history month when it expires at the end of February, many, to the great chagrin of the National Awareness Month Coalition, will absorb black history well into months set aside for things like crime awareness and motorcycle safety. Student Randy Bayless recalls reading a Malcolm X biography early last March, only to have it taken by police and replaced by a text on diet for National Nutrition Month. "I had completely forgotten that black history month was over," recalls Bayless. Anticipating the upcoming shutdown of black history, Americans nationwide have begun camping in front of bookstores to stock up on black-history items before they disappear for another year.

(Reported by Davejames)

Dozens Arrested in Finnish Medal Celebration Riots

HELSINKI, FINLAND (DPI) - Nineteen people were injured and hundreds left homeless after mobs of cross-country skiing fans burned an apartment building and overturned several cars in a drunken post-medal celebration Monday. The fans, celebrating Finland's gold- and silver-medal performances in the individual 15-kilometer Men's Nordic event, were finally dispersed at 4:30 a.m. Tuesday by tear-gas-wielding riot police. The liquor-fueled rioting was Finland's worst since a group of luge hooligans trashed a St. Moritz hotel ballroom in 1948.

(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)

Apple Introduces the iMac for Toilets

CUPERTINO, CA (DPI) - Apple Computer today announced the introduction of the "Toilet iMac," the latest in their new iMac product line. The new iMac finally addresses a long-standing weakness of prior incarnations of the iMac line, adding expandability function to ease the relocation of the device in the bathroom. The new iMac is designed to provide Internet access to customers who are away from their main computer devices while using the toilet. Bundled with the new iMac is the new Norton Antivirus, which uses a fecal-matter inspection system to unobtrusively determine the health of the user, and MS-Bidet, a combination sonic and high-pressure water cleansing system.

(Reported by Ross Brown)

CNBC Ratings Skyrocket with New MoneyShot

NEW YORK, NY (DPI) - CNBC, the financial news arm of NBC, today reached a new milestone for ratings by a basic cable channel in the most recent Nielsen ratings. MoneyShot with Maria Bartiromo premiered with a 60% viewing rating by males in the 18-34 demographic and has maintained this share over the past several weeks on the strength of the sultry, shapely host. Recent interview subjects included a discussion on how to negotiate with a prostitute, smart shopping for bachelor party gifts, an interview with Christine Hefner, CEO of Playboy Enterprises, and a recurring theme of tracking the federal funds rate by watching how much "glow" Andrea Mitchell, wife of Fed Chairman Alan Greenspan, has on any given day.

(Reported by Ross Brown)

Gold Medalist Biathlete Celebrates With Girlfriend, Boyfriend

Lay Expected To Claim Mentos Immunity In Hearings

Curling Just Dumb

Conservative Rappers, Liberal Language Purists Agree: Bush Dope

IOC Awards Gore Co-Presidency

Replay Shows Figure Skater's Error, Genitalia

Canadians Ootraged

More headlines

National Anal Sex Month Marked by Anal Sex

A Daily Probe Olympic Exclusive:
Skeleton Explained

Westminster Kennel Club Awards All Breeds "Best in Show" Amid Poodle Controversy

NEW YORK, NY (DPI) - "Tartan's Tomboy" (Collie) and "Maximilian Fionnmae" (Irish Wolfhound) will share the podium with Miniature Poodle "Surrey Spice Girl" in an attempt to bring to an end several days of howling, baying and whimpering in the wake of Tuesday's Westminster Dog Show awarding controversy. Shoreditch Judge Percy Fartheringaye admitted to a bias on the part of the judges and announced a full investigation. According to Fartheringaye, Judge Emile Shiever has been suspended by the American Kennel Club due to allegations of favoritism after poodle fur was detected on both of his pant legs. The original winner was unwilling to comment, and is said to be a major bitch.

(Reported by Charles Schnabel)

Bush E-mail Account Targeted by Terrorist Spam

WASHINGTON, DC (DPI) - President Bush was attacked yesterday by various e-mail-producing hackers believed to be affiliated with terrorist groups. Among the offending e-mail messages were "Instant Axxxcess for $5.95 a month" and "Your diploma is ready." Although the normal White House e-mail goes through screening before reaching the president's eyes, the president's personal account,, was the afflicted account. In an attempt to stop the spam, White House officials tried clicking the "remove from list" button, but the terrorists actually started sending more junk e-mail, such as "Britney is nude and masturbating just for you" and an offer for a free cell phone from AT&T Wireless.

(Reported by Stuart Johnson)

Republicans Tout Passage of "Soft-Serve Money" Bill

CAPITOL HILL (DPI) - After suffering a 240-to-189 vote loss in the House over the recent soft money ban bill on Thursday, ending a seven-year controversy on campaign finance reform, Republican senators and congressmen rallied together today to gather support for the delicious new "Soft-Serve Money" bill. "This new version of allowing soft money into political campaigns is sure to keep candidates economically viable and competitively satisfied," Senator Mitch McConnell (R-South Carolina) said today. "Plus, it's got half the fat of regular soft money and half the calories, too. It's a delicious way to keep financial campaign contributions healthy but scrumptious."

(Reported by Danny Gallagher)

Dateline: June 22, 1998

Teen Releases 2nd Quarter Yearnings

NEW YORK, NY (DPI) - Teenager Michael Feldstein today released his Second Quarter Yearnings by taking a 15 minute bathroom break with the door locked. After watching a new episode of Baywatch, which was followed by "Party of Five" on the Lifetime channel, Feldstein felt the timing was right to release yearnings. Feldstein yearnings are up 25% over 2nd Quarter 1997 due to the addition of Michelle Drake to his 4th period Economics class. "Michelle is an important new part of my Yearnings Portfolio, and I expect many great returns." What he actually meant by "returns" was not known. Feldstein's Mom, reached for comment, only wanted to know, "Is he all right in there?"

(Reported by Christopher Troise)

  World News
¤ Olympics Opening Ceremony Telecast Marred by Flatulent Spouse, Telemarketer
¤ Hitler Estate Demands Royalties for Bush's "Axis of Evil" Remark
¤ $999 Sony "RealBox Reality TV" Just a Mirror
¤ Afghanistan: It's Not Your Father's Vietnam
¤ Arthur Andersen Supports Olympic Skating Judges' Scores
¤ Iraqi, Iranian, Korean Cabbies Form "Taxis of Evil"

  Domestic News
¤ Lay Manipulating Power Supply to Cheney Pacemaker
¤ New York Women Tiring of Giuliani "Man of the Year" Pickup Line
¤ Distraught Fred Rogers Politely Guns Down 12 at Retirement Home
¤ Enron Executives Have No Recollection of Sex With Olsen Twins on Top of Mount Everest During Howling Snowstorm
¤ Study: Your Mother So Stupid, They Did a Study on It

  Local News
¤ Prostitute-Cum-Carpenter Has Clients Coming Out of the Woodwork
¤ Teens' Moms Form MADD -- "Mothers Admiring Dell Dude"
¤ Girlfriend Misunderstands Invitation to "Copy Adult DVD's"
¤ Book Review: New Zagat Guide "Trite," "Inaccurate," "Pretentious"
¤ Opinion: Working for Phone Sex Company Totally Ruined Phone Sex for Me

¤ Porn Actors Guild Demands Pension Fund, Fresher Pussy
¤ Stallone Learns New Vowel Sound for Upcoming Role
¤ Man Enters 9th Season of Not Watching Friends

¤ Olympic Village Horror as "Agony of Defeat" Ski Jumper Opens Fire
¤ U.S. Snowboarders Score Halfpipe, Hash Pipe
¤ Russians Take Gold in Sequin Displaying Event
¤ Two-Man Luge Declared Official Sport of Anal Sex Month
¤ Van Exel Sucks

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