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February 25, 2002

IMPORTANT NOTE: Beginning with next week's issue,
The Daily Probe will be published on Tuesdays.

Kwan Wrestles "America's Sweetheart" Title from Recalcitrant Kerri Strug

SALT LAKE CITY (DPI) - The title of "America's Sweetheart" was forcibly ripped from the arms of a screaming Kerri Strug by a group of security officers working for bronze medalist Michelle Kwan today. "Please, please don't forget about me!" shouted the tearful, whiny hero of the 1996 summer games, her last shred of dignity torn from her tiny frame. Kwan was said to be looking forward to "literally months of public appearances." Strug made her last public appearance in 1998, at a ribbon-cutting for a new Hardee's in her hometown of Houston, Texas.

(Reported by Travis Ruetenik & Martin Bredeck)

Economists Worry About Growing Gap Between Rich and Economists

NEW YORK (DPI) - A panel of highly respected economists today expressed deep concern about the increasing difference in wealth between the world's richest 1% and the world's economists. "All of our studies show that the rich are getting richer and economists are not getting as rich," said Edgar Lawson, Dean of Economics at Yale University. "This is a global problem that troubles us deeply," added Simon Atkins, Chief Economist for Citigroup, "fortunately we are close to a solution which can be implemented immediately once we have the required funding."

(Reported by Mark Schmidt)

Crack Community Now Cracking With Pride

LOS ANGELES (DPI) - Empowerment shone like beacons from the faces of homeless drug addicts today, as the city officially relabeled them the "Chemically Dependent, Dwelling-Unencumbered Community of Los Angeles". Newly christened CDDUCLA Spokesman Billy "Boily Feet" Harris acknowledged the welcome responsibility accompanying the change in designation: "Yesterday, I would have most definitely killed you for your shoes, but now I'll certainly curb behavior which reflects badly on the community as a whole." To further update the group's image, Harris plans to change the unofficial CDDUCLA motto from "C'mon, Gimme the Fuckin' Nickel" to the more uplifting "The Voices in Our Heads are Voices of Joy."

(Reported by Davejames)

NBC Apologizes for Jim McKay's Olympic Boners

NEW YORK (DPI) - NBC today apologized for airing the "Jim McKay's Olympic Boners segment in which he recounted in detail his Olympic sexual fantasies. Said an NBC spokesperson: "We had no idea there was a problem until he started in with how many humps he would put into the 'Hamill camel,' and the unfortunate incident with 'Li'l Jim'." The segment began innocently with McKay reflecting on the "beauty of sport," but took an abrupt turn when he soliloquized on how "naughty" skater Katarina Witt was and offered to pollinate the entire Olympic village with his superintellectual seed. McKay then confessed his love for Greg Louganis, soiled himself, and fainted.

(Reported by Jim Rosenberg)

Vegetarian Zombies Search for Soy Brains

COWLES, NEBRASKA (DPI) -- Vegetarian zombies stalked the countryside of rural Nebraska today, carving a path of terror across three counties in the search for a healthier, meatless alternative to human brains, it was reported. "Soy brains," mumbled the reanimated corpse of health advocate Marlene Mitchell, 1957-1999. "Must have low-cholesterol grain protein formed into the shape of fresh, juicy live brains." At last report, the mob of health-conscious, brain-dead servants of Hell were heading toward the Omaha Natural Foods Co-op, where terrified vegan activists had boarded up windows and were cowering under tables armed with potato mashers and wire whisks.

(Reported by Andrea Crain & Travis Ruetenik)

FDA Investigates New Pizza Hut "Suppizzatory"

Egypt, Indonesia, France: "Axis of Mild Dislike"

Villagers Foiled By New Flame-Retardant Frankenstein

Hawking to MIT, Berners-Lee to Harvard in Seven-Scientist Deal

Hershey's Corp. Claims Americans "Dangerously Under-Chocofied"

Philatophiliac Enjoys Sex with Stamps

Nickelodeon Cautioned Over SpongeBob TentPants

Eggo Skirmish Turns Fatal

More headlines

American Audience Demands More Winter Olympic Events With Weapons

The Daily Probe Presents John Ashcroft's America

Cans of Whup-Ass To Get Warning Label

Gagging Order Submitted At Georgia Crematory Trial

LAFAYETTE, GEORGIA (DPI) - The Walker County District Attorney's office has filed a petition for a gagging order in the case of the man accused of leaving hundreds of corpses to rot in hot outdoor conditions. "We feel that this order would allow the jury to release its feelings of nausea and even vomit if need be while viewing disgusting images of rotted human flesh," District Attorney Bert Butterworth said. The judge has not yet made a decision on the order, but has promised to allow hacking and the dry heaves.

(Reported by Danny Gallagher)

"Axis of Evil" Remark Slams Iran Property Values

TEHRAN (DPI) - Iranian real-estate agents are enraged over U.S. President George Bush's inclusion of Iran in his "Axis of Evil." According to Tehran Coldwell Banker's Mohammed Abdullah, the market in Tehran's upscale suburban district is reeling. "Three months ago, a nice a European-style duplex on a half-acre sandlot with low mortar shell damage would go for upwards of $8,000," said Abdullah. "Now I'm lucky if I can get six-five, six-six for it." Abdullah says despite the recent setbacks, Tehran remains an attractive market for first time homebuyers: "I'm talking high-quality construction -- 30-40% of the walls intact, and a spacious walk-in goat pen."

(Reported by Chuck Sawyer)

  World News
¤ Administration Vows to Oust Hussein, Philbin
¤ Bush Uses "North-Naughty; South-Sweet" to Remember Korean Policy
¤ Bush Completes Axis of Evil Diorama Assignment

  Domestic News
¤ "Undisclosed Location" Actually Florida Hooters
¤ Bush to Revive Reagan-Era Jelly Beans
¤ Imprisoned Lay Likely To Experience Different Puts and Calls
¤ Bored Housecats Plan Stealth Attack on Nation's Ankles
¤ Crematory Owner Wins Skeleton Gold
¤ Bush Declares Barry White, Tony Bennett, Harry Connick, Jr., "Axis of Love"

  Local News
¤ Barrel of Monkeys Actually Terrifying
¤ Sock Puppet Put to Unholy Use
¤ Household in Uproar Over Where He Learned That Word
¤ Invisible Passenger-Side Brakes Fail
¤ Improv Troupe Raises Awareness of Terrorist Elves Who Feel Melancholy
¤ "Swiffer" Joins Dustbuster in Back of Utility Closet

¤ Animator Chuck Jones Kicks the Bu-Bu-Bu-Bu-Bu-Bu-Dies
¤ Two Years Later, Effects of Battlefield Earth Still Felt
¤ Nation's Men Mourn Rosie Gay Rumors
¤ Swimsuit Issue Ruined After First Day
¤ Singer Mel Tormé Still Dead at 77

¤ Russians Drop Olympic Protest in Return for Pair of Levi's
¤ Two-Man Luge Team Expecting
¤ Crappy Teams Swap Has-Beens for Disappointments
¤ American Women Dominate Swedish Women in Hockey, My Fantasies
¤ Super Bowl MVP Brady Getting Pussy Like Nobody's Business
¤ Russians Seek To Reverse Olympic Medals, Seward's Folly
¤ Drunken 1980 U. S. Olympic Hockey Team Extinguishes Olympic Flame
¤ NASCAR Sucks

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