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February 25, 2003

The Daily Probe writers are busy conducting weapons
inspections in Cancun. The next new issue will be on March 11.

U.N. Weapons Inspectors Uncover Weapons of Masturbation

Bush Brushes Aside Magic 8-Ball Protest,
Pushes Ahead With War

WASHINGTON (DPI) - Despite repeated protests from his Magic 8-Ball, President Bush is determined to go to war with Iraq. Thousands of queries to the device yielded impassioned anti-war protests last week. Asked if the war will go smoothly, the peaceful 8-Ball answered, "No." Asked if the United States will maintain its commitment in a post-war Iraq, the 8-Ball replied, "Ask again later." Asked if U.S. assertion of power will lead to grudging respect in NATO and the United Nations, the 8-Ball replied, "What, are you kidding me?" Bush forged ahead with war plans, saying, "In a democracy, our toys are entitled to their opinions, but this is a serious life-or-death matter of American security. 8-Ball or no 8-Ball, I'm going to war."

(Reported by Slick Sharkey)

People Start Hating SUV Owners Again

BALTIMORE (DPI) - People throughout the Northeast are beginning to hate SUV owners all over again. During the Presidents Day blizzard, SUV owners performed such vital tasks as taking doctors to the hospital, hoarding duct tape from Home Depot, and critical replenishing of liquor supplies. But as streets are plowed and people dig out, they are quickly slipping in public opinion. A DPI poll in the capital region showed the popularity of SUV owners has fallen below that of the French, which is actually below pre-blizzard levels. "My neighbor has been gloating for the last several days about how he was able to drive in the snow," said one resident. "Luckily, his Suburban is still rolled on its side along I-95."

(Reported by Stuart Johnson)

Student Recovering After Discovering Wrong Way to Eat a Reese's

MELBOURNE, Australia (DPI) - Intermediate School student Kelli Leonard, 12, was in stable condition after undergoing emergency surgery to repair damage caused by eating a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup in a previously undiscovered wrong way. "We were shocked at not only the cause, but also the severity of the injuries to Miss Leonard," said Box Hill Hospital spokeswoman Cary Jessier. "Injuries of this type are unheard-of in modern snack food consumption." According to Jessier, the trauma surgery team performed multiple skin grafts, orthopedic restoration and an emergency transplant of three of Leonard's peanut-butter clogged organs. The injury is thought to be the worst in Australia's snack-food community since 1994, when a 23-year-old man underwent multiple surgeries and months of physical rehabilitation after discovering something that wasn't better when it sat on a Ritz.

(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)

Crapper Killer Acquitted

FORT WORTH, Texas (DPI) - Carl Evans is a free man once again after his acquittal on charges he murdered coworker Matthew Pickard with a toilet seat. His jury returned the verdict today after listening silently, some in tears, while Evans testified in his own defense during his trial in state district court. From the witness stand, he recounted the day six months ago when he stepped into the men's-room stall Pickard had just vacated only to find a wet seat. "I blacked out after that," Evans told a packed courtroom. "They tell me they found Matt dead at his desk, with the seat still dripping and hanging around his neck, but I don't remember any of that." In arguing for a not-guilty verdict, defense lawyers cited Texas' "He Needed Killin'" statute.

(Reported by Charles Gulledge)

Experts: Kim Jong-Il Has Haircut of Man Willing to Use Nukes

Billy Joel Maintains Innocence in Nightclub Fire

Weird Tongue Thing Enters Third Day Following Teeth-Cleaning

Human Shield Proud to Protect Iraq's Best Anthrax

Johnny Paycheck Direct-Deposited Into Grave

ABC Accused of Sensationalism: Shocking Facts Tonight on FOX!

$26 Billion to Turkey More Money Than You Can Even Imagine, My Unemployed Friend

Ridge Declares Country "Ready, Ready, Teddy, to Rock and Roll"

White-Run Corporations Celebrate Black History Month

7-Eleven Urges Stockpiling Slurpees

More headlines

Dokken to Cease Use of Pyrotechnics in Future Shows, Should They Occur

Restaurant-Employed Friend Ruins Yet Another Restaurant Meal

House Becoming Overrun With Throw Pillows

Origin of Boogers Tops 2nd-Grade Bestseller List

NEW YORK (DPI) - Seven-year-old author Ryo Matsuki's The Origin of Boogers by Means of Finger Selection is atop the national second-grade bestseller list for the 18th consecutive week. Matsuki, whose previous novel, The Adventures of Dingleberry Ken, also spent time on the bestseller list, has steadfastly denied accusations that his works are plagiarized from famous books, saying through his agent, "I didn't copy nothing, Mom." Fans of the author's work are ebullient in their praise for his latest. "Man, it's cool -- there's boogers and snot in almost every paragraph!" said Mikey Pitzer, 8. Matsuki is not without his detractors, though. Amy Monahan, 8, claimed she couldn't get past the first chapter, labeling the tome "really, really gross."

(Reported by Tristan Fabriani)


Coffee Shop Freak Getting Weirder and Weirder

TABLE BEHIND YOU (DPI) - An obvious freak who sat down at the Coffee Talk coffee shop 20 minutes ago is clearly not getting any less weird, her behavior would indicate. Entering quietly wearing a sandblaster's filter mask, a cast on one arm and leopard-print shoes, the woman set off key freak sensors immediately, reaching Code Red when she set an expensive-looking Pentax camera and Sony Handycam on the table and sat silently rummaging through a plastic grocery bag for several minutes. The woman, thought to be in her late 50s and either Chinese or Korean, then spent the next 11 minutes studying the shop's menu while other patrons pretended not to look at her. The woman is currently said to be negotiating detailed sales terms on a vegetarian sandwich with "no meat."

(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)

U.S. Says Saddam Falls Under International "Nasty Fucker" Law

DNC, GOP Contemplate Positions on Jacko Creepy/Jacko Misunderstood Issue
2nd Grade Security Agency Warns Against Unsolicited Beeswax Cross-Minding
Employer Shocked as Grabby McSqueezyhands Sued for Harassment
Jimmy Kimmel's Stealth Talk Show Flying WAY Under Radar
Religion Study: 4 out of 5 Moths Believe in Light Bulb
TV: Bionic Woman Arrests Mugger While I Masturbate
Taco Bell Burrito Raises Colon Threat Level to Red
Scientists Confirm Jacko Saturation Point Has Been Reached

The Daily Probe is updated every Tuesday
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