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March 3, 2005

NHL Cancels Cancellation of Season

NEW YORK (DPI) - In one of the most unusual press conferences in sports history, the National Hockey League announced it was cancelling the cancellation of the 2004-2005 season. The league had stubbornly cancelled the season last month due to an inability to reach agreement with the NHL Players' Association on a new contract, but changed its mind once league accountants completed their projected earnings reports for the season. "As I read the financial reports, I had an 'Oh shit!' moment," said League commissioner Gary Bettman. "It seems the proposed cancellation would have negatively impacted revenues. Sometimes these things aren't apparent at first glance."

The move caught even veteran sportswriters and Vegas bookies by surprise. "Nobody saw this coming," said Golden Nugget sports book manager Sam Rothstein. "The odds of something like this happening were off the chart." Not taking any chances, Rothstein has already posted odds on the NHL canceling the cancelling of their cancellation.

(Reported by Jeff Rabinowitz)

Woman Throws Garbage-Bag Box Into Garbage

ST. LOUIS (DPI) - Space and time experienced a rift yesterday as homemaker Ellen Fazio removed the final garbage bag from the box, and turned the tables by dropping the box into the bag. Scientists studying the relationship between matter and time are gathering around Fazio's kitchen, where an intergalactic wormhole is said to be forming. "It appears that what was the beginning has now become the end," said MIT's Dr. Kim Seung Young, staring into the swirling vortex. "The mother has become the child, and what was has now become inseparable with what is." "Ooooooh," commented Cal Tech's Edward O'Mallory. Fazio's singularity is the most exciting development in theoretical kitchen physics since 1998, when a black hole emerged after a woman in Mexico used a sponge to clean out the bristles of a dish scrubber.

(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)

Jackson Jury Arrives at Verdict: Eagerly Awaits Start of Trial

Hyundai Sonata Sales Up 2500% Among NHL Players

BTK Killer SOL

GOP Takes On AARP Over SS, Whatever the Fuck That Means

Pacino Admits to Bank Robbery During Oscars

Jamie Foxx Acceptance Speech Sets Child Abuse Advocacy Back Fifty Years

If You Like the Taste of Ass, You're
Going to Love Eating at Roy Rogers!

A guest Probeatorial
by Rick Santini

When I indulged in my very first meal at my local Roy Rogers last week, I discovered that Roy Rogers doesn't just give you run-of-the-mill fast food, prefering to offer a unique dining experience featuring chow that tastes just like ass. Hey, anybody can sell you a cheeseburger-and-fries combo, but only Roy Rogers can create the same taste sensation of your last rimjob!

Take their 1/2-pound burger for instance -- it looks like a typical fast food sandwich, but when you taste it, you ll swear that your eating the ol' browneye. I guess the good people at Roy Rogers figured that ass is the new chipotle! And if you like the taste of sailor ass, don t forget to try their fish sandwich. It s 100% North Atlantic halibut, but you ll think you're eating brown starfish!

If you like tossing salads, you ll love their tossed salad. Imagine the freshest mixed greens, ripe vine tomatoes, crunchy cucumber slices and toasty croutons, all served on a bed of funky, puckered hoop, and you ll have an idea of just how ass-scrumpious it is!

And to wash it all down, top it off with a tall Dr. Pepper, dispensed through plastic lines that have never been cleaned -- you'll swear you're gulping down 32 ounces of icy, cold rectal sweat.

So if you want a fast meal at a great price that tastes like taint, make it Roy Rogers!

(Transcribed by Gus Harris)

The Daily Probe Poll

In the moments following the 77th annual Academy Award ceremonies on Sunday, the Daily Probe conducted its 77th annual post-Oscar poll:

What did you think of Chris Rock as host?

Very good - 24%
Fair - 20%
Billy Crystal's really let himself go - 49%

Why didn't Martin Scorcese win?

Clint Eastwood was just better - 33%
Anti-Italian bias - 7%
Friggin' Karl Rove - 35%

What do you think Jaime Foxx's grandmother told him last night in his dream?

I'm so proud of you - 41%
You're going to have a long career - 33%
Stop touching yourself - 18%

What did you think about giving out awards in the middle of the audience?

Creative touch - 45%
Tacky - 35%
Unfair to the seat holders' union - 11%

(Compiled by Slick Sharkey)

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