NHL Cancels Cancellation of Season
NEW YORK (DPI) - In one of the most unusual press conferences in
sports history, the National Hockey League announced it was cancelling the cancellation
of the 2004-2005 season. The league had stubbornly cancelled the
season last month due to an inability to reach agreement with the NHL
Players' Association on a new contract, but changed its mind once league accountants completed
their projected earnings reports for the season. "As I read the
financial reports, I had an 'Oh shit!' moment," said League
commissioner Gary Bettman. "It seems the proposed cancellation would have
negatively impacted revenues. Sometimes these things aren't apparent at
The move caught even veteran sportswriters and Vegas bookies by surprise.
"Nobody saw this coming," said Golden Nugget sports book manager
Sam Rothstein. "The odds of something like this happening were off
the chart." Not taking any chances, Rothstein has already posted odds
on the NHL canceling the cancelling of their cancellation.
(Reported by Jeff Rabinowitz)
Woman Throws Garbage-Bag Box Into Garbage
ST. LOUIS (DPI) - Space and time experienced a rift
yesterday as homemaker Ellen Fazio removed the final
garbage bag from the box, and turned the tables by
dropping the box into the bag. Scientists studying the
relationship between matter and time are gathering
around Fazio's kitchen, where an intergalactic
wormhole is said to be forming. "It appears that what
was the beginning has now become the end," said MIT's
Dr. Kim Seung Young, staring into the swirling vortex.
"The mother has become the child, and what was has now
become inseparable with what is." "Ooooooh," commented
Cal Tech's Edward O'Mallory. Fazio's singularity is
the most exciting development in theoretical kitchen
physics since 1998, when a black hole emerged after a
woman in Mexico used a sponge to clean out the
bristles of a dish scrubber.
(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)
Jackson Jury Arrives at Verdict: Eagerly Awaits Start of Trial
Hyundai Sonata Sales Up 2500% Among NHL Players
BTK Killer SOL
GOP Takes On AARP Over SS, Whatever the Fuck That Means
Pacino Admits to Bank Robbery During Oscars
Jamie Foxx Acceptance Speech Sets Child Abuse Advocacy Back Fifty Years
If You Like the Taste of Ass, You're
Going to Love Eating at Roy Rogers!
A guest Probeatorial
by Rick Santini
When I indulged in my very first meal at my local Roy
Rogers last week, I discovered that Roy Rogers doesn't
just give you run-of-the-mill fast food, prefering to
offer a unique dining experience featuring chow that
tastes just like ass. Hey, anybody can sell you a
cheeseburger-and-fries combo, but only Roy Rogers can
create the same taste sensation of your last rimjob!
Take their 1/2-pound burger for instance -- it looks like
a typical fast food sandwich, but when you taste it,
you ll swear that your eating the ol' browneye. I
guess the good people at Roy Rogers figured that ass
is the new chipotle! And if you like the taste of
sailor ass, don t forget to try their fish sandwich.
It s 100% North Atlantic halibut, but you ll think
you're eating brown starfish!
If you like tossing salads, you ll love their tossed
salad. Imagine the freshest mixed greens, ripe vine
tomatoes, crunchy cucumber slices and toasty croutons,
all served on a bed of funky, puckered hoop, and
you ll have an idea of just how ass-scrumpious it is!
And to wash it all down, top it off with a tall Dr.
Pepper, dispensed through plastic lines that have
never been cleaned -- you'll swear you're gulping
down 32 ounces of icy, cold rectal sweat.
So if you want a fast meal at a great price that
tastes like taint, make it Roy Rogers!
(Transcribed by Gus Harris)