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March 4, 2005

Fossett Planning to Circle World in Kangaroo

Blake Rejected for "Camp Cupcake"

Van Nuys, Calif. (DPI) - Glowing reviews by Martha Stewart prompted lawyers for actor Robert Blake to file a preemptive motion on Friday. In the event the former Baretta star is found guilty of murdering his wife, they requested he be incarcerated at the Alderson Federal Women's prison, widely known as "Camp Cupcake." Superior Court Judge Darlene Schempp flatly dismissed the request but did offer some conciliatory insight. Regardless of where he is sent, Blake will most likely be given the nickname "Cupcake" by the other inmates.

(Reported by Brad Osberg)

Citizens Surprised by Quick March Arrival After 28-Day February

WASHINGTON (DPI) - A general sense of surprise is being reported across the nation as Americans are realizing that March 2005 is already four days old. "It's what?! March 4, already?! Holy shit!" as expressed by Washington law clerk Rhonda Philborn, appears to be the prevailing sentiment as shocked Americans verify their calendars. "Last Friday was just the 25th of February," continues Philborn, "How the hell could this happen?"

(Reported by Carl Knorr)

Martha Stewart Unveils New Line of Electronic Ankle Bracelets

Dearth of Newsworthy Paris Hilton Airheaded Blunders Enters Second Week

BLT Murderer Still at Large, Public Advised to Avoid Secret Sauce

So, I'm 90 and I Acted Good
Just Like You Said I Should...

A guest Probeatorial
by Ernest "Ernie" Watts, age 90

Well, I took take of myself just like everybody said I should have. My goodness, it was a lot of work. But everybody said, "Brush your teeth," and "Eat plenty of greens," and that's what I sure as shootin' did. It wasn't fun, but I still try to swallow down three helpings of greens or roots or something wholesome a day.

And you know what? I made it here to 90 years old. My gosh, I never thought I could do it. Everybody said that when I was smokin' those cigars back in Enewietok during the war that I was setting up to take a minute, or MORE, off my life for each one of them! And here I am -- quit the tobacco, and am sharp as a tack at 90.

Then there was that preacher who caught me losing my lunch over the latrine that one day back in Birmingham. I was ashamed to show my face in church for about five years after that. My gosh, how life can make a fool outta ya if you put your guard down. Haven't touched more than a little snifter of the liquor since then.

So, anyway, I think I made a good soul outta myself like I should have. And yeah, if I think about it, yes, it probably feels like the right thing to do.

So. I made it, right? Ah, I hoped so. So... Now what?

(Transcribed by Travis Ruetenik)

McQuigly and Moss


Looking for My Prince Charming

By Anna Moss

The recent announcement of Britain's Prince Charles "wedding" to non-royal Camilla Bowles has been a very hot topic these last couple of weeks, especially in Great Britain. Are kings and queens out of date? Should they be done away with since they really have no political power? In one word: Hell no! (Okay, two words) If anything, keep them for sentimental value. Plus they're fun when they get involved in a royal scandal.

The hard part for a royal is finding another royal to marry who also has a title (just ask Prince Chuck). Princess Thespa couldn't stand the thought of marrying Prince Valium and ran (flew) away. Good thing Lonestar was a prince and just didn't know it. And think of those poor princes and princesses that were forced to marry by their parents, sometime to keep peace between two warring houses. Just because you are a prince or princess doesn't mean you're not a hideous beast. Which brings me to Star Trek: The Next Generation, episode 36: The Dauphin, where Wesley falls prey to a paramour (practicing for that spelling bee had its advantages!) who is promised in marriage to another race and who is definitely not what she seems to be.

When I visited England with the chess club, I was awed by the royal presence. The guards, the palace and so on. Now we're not talking about kings and queens ruling their worlds with an iron fist. That honor goes to dictators. Sudan comes to mind. It doesn't even have to be an actual king or queen. It can simply be a Baron Harkonnen or the Emperor who lured Darth Vader to the dark side and so on.

Sure, almost every world Kirk visited had some sort of royal leader, but there's not a king or queen in the universe who could whoop Kirk. I'm not going to touch the subject of our president thinking he won by divine intervention. All I know is they play Hail to the Chief every time the president enters the room as opposed to Hail to the Extreme Exalted Ruler Picked by God. Divine intervention only happens in movies (and certain alien races). I agree that it's harder to overthrow a king than a president, mainly because royalty usually surrounds themselves with tons of guards.

But present day royalty do no harm. It's the dictators or military coup leaders that we should worry about. I say keep the traditions alive. Besides, Prince William is so friggin' cool.

A Royal Pain in the Ass

By Dirk McQuigly

Royal families like the ones whose personal exploits dominate the pages of the sleazy British press in the same way Bruce Campbell's rumored homosexual lifestyle dominates the pages of Fangoria Magazine are an outdated, meaningless waste of money just like the Sci Fi Channel's remake of Battlestar Galatica.

Think about it: There's no real purpose for them in government. They don't do anything I'm aware of other than address crowds in times of crisis and shake dignitaries' hands at big, important dinners. They're basically just overpaid, over-indulged and over-hyped spokespeople. You can say the same thing for George Lucas.

Think about this, too: Exactly how much money are they wasting indulging the lifestyles of these pompous indulgent in breeders? Tradition must be a huge financial burden for these people. They live in huge homes, eat lavish food and require more special personal treatment than Jabba the Hutt at a Jenny Craig.

If we truly believe in democracy, it's time to tell these countries to get with the program. And, just like Iraq, if they won't listen, then send in the clones because there's a war that's worth fighting.

(Transcribed by Danny Gallagher and Jeff Rabinowitz)

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