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March 5, 2002

USA Today to Eliminate Text

NEW YORK (DPI) - USA Today announced that the popular daily newspaper would be eliminating the use of text from all future issues. Editor-In-Chief Steve Herman stated, "We believe our readers will appreciate the even easier-to-look-at format, a formula which has made us so popular in the past." Herman explained that the move was a logical step in the paper's evolution. "Last year, we started using simpler sentences such as 'Bush good, bin Laden bad' and 'Anthrax - Yucky!' But our focus groups said we should just get rid of words altogether because they were distracting readers." Herman also reported that later in the year, the publication will debut its new pop-up edition.

(Reported by Miles Walker)

Man Mauled in Wacky "In Like a Lion" Prank

ABILINE, TEXAS (DPI) - Greenhouse manager Irv Wheeler was mauled by a lion yesterday in a freak accident resulting from an FM100 Morning Zoo "Cranky Prank" gone wrong. The incident resulted in the suspension of both Zeke and Zoey, the Morning Zoo's hosts and planners of the on-air practical joke. The pair hid a 475-pound lion in the greenhouse to await Wheeler's arrival, intending to illustrate March's "coming in like a lion." The lion ripped off Wheeler's left leg and put 200 puncture wounds in his torso. The FCC has already been investigating FM100 over a 1999 incident in which a listener was dropped into a crate of live scorpions.

(Reported by Jody LaFerriere)

Bush Proposes Voluntary Compliance with Criminal Laws

WASHINGTON (DPI) - George W. Bush called for the elimination of criminal penalties today, instead favoring a system of voluntary compliance with laws. "We don't want to limit the creative spirit of America's criminal population with strict government mandates," Bush explained. "Instead, let's allow criminals to police themselves in the true American spirit of honest pursuit of criminal enterprise." White House officials noted that strict compliance with criminal laws was too expensive and time-consuming for many large criminal organizations, such as the New Jersey Mafia and Enron. In keeping with the proposal, John Ashcroft announced that the Department of Justice was changing its motto to "Hey, Quit It!"

(Reported by Slick Sharkey)

Hope, NM Added to Federal Register of "Fucking Nowhere" Places

HOPE, NEW MEXICO (DPI) - Hope residents showed little surprise today to learn that their dull, backward town had been added to the U. S. Geological Survey's official Registry of Places That Are Fucking Nowhere. Located in a desert plain between Alamogordo and Carlsbad, Hope has long been useful only as a landmark for roughly marking the halfway point between places one could conceivably want to be. According to Pat McNichols of the USGS, Toledo, Ohio, is the largest "place" to make the USGS's popular list of unpopular places, but residents of Detroit are working hard to be recognized.

(Reported by Joseph Moore)

Straight Guy Offended After Not Being Hit On In Gay Bar

TORONTO (DPI) - Daily Probe Reporter Greg Preece was amazed to find himself offended after not one single gay man hit on him Thursday night in a local gay bar. Preece, 29, had gone to "The Barn," a popular Toronto-area gay bar, at the insistence of several gay friends, despite not being gay himself. "Man, you'd think I'd at least get checked out," he lamented. "But nothing. No drinks bought for me, no rubbing against me, not even a crude remark. I guess they could tell I wasn't gay, so they left me alone. At least, I hope." This makes the second gender that has completely ignored Preece in recent weeks.

(Reported by Greg Preece)

P'zone Revolution Claims First Casualties

Uncremated Bodies Would Have Won It for Gore

Study: "Star Wars" Defense Useless Against Nunchucks

11th-Minute Caller Forfeits Free Gift

Daily Probe Editor Abuses Authority to Remind Himself of Haircut at 8am Tuesday

Americans to Be Excluded from New Soylent Green Lite

Grammy Roundup: 3+ Hours, Not a Single Freaking Nipple

Unadopted Highway Gets Foster Sponsor

More headlines

New "Vlasectomy" Surgery Extends Penis With Pickle

Scientists Close to Determination of "Crazy Cat Lady" Number of Cats

Al Gore Nearly Finished with his BattleBot

CARTHAGE, TENNESSEE (DPI) - Former Vice President Al Gore is "just about finished" with his new BattleBot, sources close to the 2000 presidential candidate said today. Apart from a couple of snags during the installation of the new PowerTwist Plus V-belt drive train he ordered online, the project is "on time and under budget." According to the 2000 Democratic Party nominee's family, apart from the time he's spent teaching, Gore has spent every free hour in his garage, trying to get the middleweight wedgebot's lifting arm and high-speed pneumatic slammer in working condition.

(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)

Man Honors Jesus Through High-End Seafood

BOSTON (DPI) - Patrick Flanagan, a 73-year-old Irish Catholic, offered sacrifice Friday by abstaining from meat at a popular waterfront seafood restaurant. "The purpose of Lent is to grow closer to God through sacrifice," said Flanagan, finishing off a bowl of creamy lobster bisque and a jumbo shrimp cocktail appetizer. "Normally, I would get the chicken and rice soup, but today I went with the bisque. God wants and appreciates that sort of sacrifice. Jesus died for my sins, so it feels good to repay the favor, even if I must shoulder the cross of eating sweet, succulent shellfish drenched in drawn butter on a weekly basis."

(Reported by Miles Walker)

Dateline: March 12, 1999

Babies Leave Hospital with Correct Parents

ORANGE, CA (DPI) - In a departure from recent medical precedent, two babies born within hours of each other at a local hospital were sent home with their biological parents. A high-ranking hospital official defended the move, saying, "We endeavor to provide the best medical care possible, within the tight fiscal constraints imposed by the health insurance companies. I fully support the judgement call made by the nursery employees." However, reaction to the incident was not all good. "I can't believe they did this to me," said Mrs. Tara Schmitty-Haus, the mother of the other baby. "I liked the other baby better. He was cuter, and a blond." The Department of Health and Human Services has promised a full investigation into the incident.

(Reported by Jim Dailey)

  World News
¤ Scientists Discover 51st, 52nd Ways to Leave Your Lover
¤ Salt Lake Teenage Girls Begin Gestation
¤ New bin Laden Mardi Gras Video Combines Rhetorical Bullshit, Tits
¤ Scientologists to Host 2004 Olympics
¤ Bush: Iraq on Double-Secret Probation Since 9/11
¤ bin Laden Family Leaves Flaming DNA on Rumsfeld's Porch

  Domestic News
¤ America Celebrates Taupe History Month
¤ President Proposes Tax Cut for Those Who Have Accepted Jesus Christ as Their Personal Savior
¤ Cheney Hits "Reply All"; Sensitive Plans Sent to Everyone in Address Book
¤ Greenspan Confident about Economy, Metamucil
¤ Study: 43% of Male Klan Members Secretly Think Denzel's Hot
¤ U.S. Army Corps of Engineers Dredges Cheney's Arteries

  Local News
¤ State Sex Offender List to Include Addresses, Turn-Ons, Turn-Offs
¤ Study: To Get a Drink Around Here, You Need to Blow Erie, PA Salesman Ken Stout
¤ Multiple Washings Unable to Remove Stink of Failure
¤ Red Tablet Cavity Test Spoils School Photo
¤ Study: Toss the Ficus, Single Dude -- It's a Goner
¤ Hokey Poked

¤ Denzel Wins 163rd Best Actor Statue at Image Awards
¤ McCartney Scheduled to Sing at His Talent's Funeral
¤ French TV: Blindfolded Women Putting Condoms on Dildos
¤ King to Interview Sawyer about Koppel's Interview of Blitzer
¤ Lee Greenwood Releases Patriotic "Greatest Hit" Album
¤ Survivor Cinemax to Feature On-Air Fucking
¤ Thompson Twins Boxed Set Wins "Best Door Stop" Grammy
¤ SNL Host Unfunnily Interrupted

¤ Ewing's Mobility Downgraded from "Tree" to "Bridge Piling"
¤ Cochran on Jayson Williams: "If Not Near the Limo, Then It Sure Wasn't Him-o"
¤ Mavericks in Trade Talks with Georgia Crematorium
¤ Jordan Knee Surgery Reveals Bionics
¤ Jocks Send Dennis Miller Back to Nerds
¤ PAC-10 Sucks

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