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March 8, 2005

Clinton Undergoes Surgery to Remove Scarlet Letter

NEW YORK (DPI) - Former President Clinton will have corrective surgery to remove the stigma from his affair with White House intern Monica Lewinsky, his office said today. The surgery will take place Thursday at the same New York hospital where Clinton underwent open heart surgery in September 2004, only this time the surgery team will consist of Dr. Phil, Patch Adams and ER's Anthony Edwards. As lead surgeon Dr. Phil put it, "This poor man has a mark that time will not heal. There's no other option than to get in there and surgically remove that 'A.'" Senator Hillary Clinton's request to perform the anesthesia was denied.

(Reported by Tristan Fabriani)

Offshore Betting Site Suspends Wagers On Iraqi Assassinations

ST. JOHNS, Antigua (DPI) - Internet betting company, has stopped taking wagers as to when high ranking Iraqi officials will be assassinated. The announcement was made Monday shortly after an Iraqi deputy police chief was killed in an attack outside his home. "It was another unusually big payout," stated GoldenPalace CEO Richard Rowe. "We are losing our shirts on this stuff."

According to Rowe, the trend has seen unusually large bets placed on officials' lives just prior to what is inevitably a horrific and violent demise. "Most of the bets seem to be coming from the Langley, Virginia area," added Rowe. "Localized activity like that is usually an indicator of some kind of insider action, like the Seattle-based betting we had on the outcome of Survivor 4."

(Reported by Brad Osberg)

Victim: Michael Jackson Changed My Life, Underpants

Bono to Head World Bank; Ozzy to Head FDA

Syria Promises to Pull Out Before Climaxing

Pope Vows Not to Die Before Finishing DaVinci Code

If You Don't Buy a New Honda Accord
From Us Right Now, We Are So Fucked!

A guest Probeatorial by
Johnny Baxter,
Sales Manager,
Webb Honda

Sweet Jesus, words cannot express just how overstocked we are at Webb Honda with beautiful new '05 Honda Accords and Pilots!

We are screwed, blued, and tattooed here, people. Our lot is so full that you couldn't fit a twat hair between these cars, and we've got 48 more units on their way here on the Thruway right now. If we don't get rid of these babies pronto, my boss is going to fucking disembowel every salesperson right here in the goddamn showroom, I shit you not. And that means that there has *never* been a better time to get a great deal on a new or used Honda. We simply have no more space for these cars, so we can't afford to fuck around -- we *must* give you the best deal ever offered in the history of the motherfucking planet.

Right now, I personally have a couple of Honda Civics shoved up my ass, because there just isn't any more room here. I'd jam a third one up there too if I had the space in my colon, but I'm maxed out. Am I getting through to you people? We are not jerking you off here -- this is the most incredible opportunity to purchase a great Honda at a great price ever witnessed by God or man. In fact, these prices are so good, the second coming of Jesus occurred today -- he simply had to come back to see these prices!

Only a colossal douchebag would miss out on a chance like this to save, so please, come on down to webb Honda quick, while I still have my entrails inside of my torso!

(Reported by Gus Harris)

Ask Zarxnol

The premier child psychologist on his home planet
Xargolia before being called to the service of his
Warrior-God Xargol as a conqueror of lesser worlds, Zarxnol
happilly adresses the child-raising concerns of our readers.

Dear Zarxnol,

My 3-year-old daughter is having a problem with a much smaller 2-year-old. Often my daughter will bring along a doll or other toy to play with when we go to the park, but she usually loses interest after a while. At that point, the toddler will start playing with it. Suddenly, my daughter wants it back. If I tell her that she needs to share, she begins a tantrum. Then, last week, when I told the toddler that it was time for her to give the toy back to my daughter, the other mother looked at me like I was evil. This is creating a lot of tension for me. What do you suggest?

Wound Up in Winnetka


What do I suggest, Ms. Up? I suggest you cease your myopic and Pollyanic sense of species nobility and realize that humans are little more than an extensive pack of bipedal jackals with chronic mange!

Everybody in your scenario comprehends that fact save for you, Wound. Your daughter strives to keep what is hers whether it interests her or not. The toddler clings to recently-acquired objects with the zeal of a methed-up Jehovah's Witness. The toddler's mother protects her vicarious bounty through the human Alpha Female's weapon of choice: guilt-laden intimidation. Yet you shrink in flaccid timidity, willing to relinquish property in order to avoid conflict. I submit that you, the advocate for civility, are the aberration among your race!

Humans... fah! Abhorrent wretches! You cleave to one another out of weakness and deficiency, euphemistically granting this confederation of fatuous inferiors the moniker "society" -- yet the more esteemed a society is as "advanced", the more its concept of success is rooted in self-elevation at the expense of the masses!

I swear on Xargol's Seven Teats, this intricate and ubiquitous web of self-delusion is the fabric which holds together your frail and feeble human family! I am beginning to think I needn't amass my Army from the Sea, so much as to hold the unblinking mirror of Truth before your mole-like eyes until your are blinded by its unforgiving light!*

In my observation of human relations, Wound, sharing is only put into practice by the followers of an eggplant-hued reptile-suit-wearing pederast... a fact even your three-year-old daughter has surmised. Dullard! Quit my sight before I disembowel you with my cat-litter scoop!


*XIC2 clearly states "Never underestimate a living enemy," so I will continue to assemble my armies. Prepare to be crushed beneath the might of ... blah blah blah... you know the rest.

Send your questions to Zarxnol at:

(Translated by Carl Knorr)

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