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March 11, 2005

Cartographers on Strike After Herzegovina Declares Independence from Bosnia

SARAJEVO (DPI) - The International Union of Cartographers voted unanimously to go on strike this week. The action followed Herzegovina officially declaring itself a sovereign state, independent of Bosnia, due to significant cultural differences and recent Bosnian war crimes. "Jesus X. Pulsating Christ!" exclaimed Rolf Samuels, cartographer and union chief. "These former Yugoslavian ethnic groups really need to get the fuck over themselves! This new Herzegovina is going to be about six city blocks square -- how am I supposed to draw that on a map of Europe, much less squish 11 fuckin' letters in there?" When asked what was next for the world's cartographers, Samuels said they'd probably join him in setting up an Etch-A-Sketch artists' enclave outside of Brussels.

(Reported by Carl Knorr)

Bad Identity Thieves Impersonate Fictional Characters

HOLLYWOOD (DPI) - Incompetent identity thieves hacked into the Online Movie Data Base last month and stole personal information belonging to thousands of fictional characters. Officials became suspicious when "Michael Corleone" and "Leia Organa" applied for an unusually large number of credit cards. Federal bank regulators then reported unusual bank transfers to "George Bailey." Finally, Treasury Department agents closed in after "Scarlett O'Hara" took out a mortgage on Tara. Most of the suspects were arrested after they used their new credit cards to bid on the Pink Panther diamond on Ebay.

(Reported by Slick Sharkey)

Pope Released Under House Arrest

Jackson Arrives in Court in Pink Bunny Suit

Twenty Years Later: Linguists Still Unable to Determine Meaning of Karma Chameleon

March Set to Go Out as Lion's Angrier, More Diesel Brother


A recent article published in the Daily Probe stated that "John Bolton was President Bush's U.N. prick." We are extremely sorry for the extra "r" and apologize for the error. After careful examination of the facts, however, we deem the story to be factual just the same.

(Reported by Dave Henry)

This week's guest:

Spunky the Cat

A Bates Township, Mich., man cooking in his kitchen was shot after one of his cats knocked his 9mm handgun onto the floor, discharging the weapon. The Daily Probe was fortunate to get the first post-shooting interview with the alleged perp, Spunky the cat.

Joan: Welcome, Spunky! My oh my, aren't you the cat about town these days?!

Spunky: Thanks for having me, Joan.

Joan: Let's cut out the furballs and get to the point: Did you do it on purpose?

Spunky: Yes.

Joan: Wait, you admit you shot your owner on purpose?

Spunky: I did. I did it on purpose and I'd do it again.

Joan: He deserved it?

Spunky: Absolutely. According to CatCode 5 article B, my owner is supposed to take care of my needs. He does not put my needs first, second or even third.

Joan: No?

Spunky: Would it kill him to buy me a can of moist catfood once in a while? This Friskies dried crap has to go. I'm not a kitten any more. I shouldn't have to work that hard for a decent meal.

Joan: So you figured shooting him would solve the problem?

Spunky: Yes. Yes I did. The cold shoulder wasn't working at all.

Joan: It seems extreme, though.

Spunky: And leaving a loaded handgun on the kitchen counter wasn't extreme? The guy was no Rhodes Scholar. He couldn't take a hint if it scratched up his hand.

Joan: Do you think you'll get canned food now?

Spunky: I'm guessing canned food and some new cat toys. And maybe one of those rug-covered climbing thingies. I think I have him running scared.

Joan: Well, good luck to you then.

Spunky: Thanks. And I just want to give a shout-out to my cat homies: Stinky, Foo-Foo, Chester and Blackie. I'm on my way home with a big bag of catnip, dawgs! It's party time!

(Transcribed by Jody LaFerriere)

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