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March 11, 2003

Al-Qaeda Mastermind/Porn Actor Ron Jeremy Arrested

Poorly Organized Peace Activists of America March on Washington

WASHINGTON (DPI) - The Poorly Organized Peace Activists of America yesterday brought their anti-war message to Washington. Poor planning, however, caused problems with the march. "Our biggest issue was location," said Marco Kent, POPAA's president. "Some members are currently in Washington state or on Mt. Washington, and some somehow ended up at Washington's grave." Additional problems resulted when the organization failed to notify District of Columbia police and moved into Dupont Circle during rush hour. POPAA is hoping to have another march, although they don't expect to be ready for "like three years, maybe," said Kent.

(Reported by Stuart Johnson)

New Alan Jackson Song Contains Even More Ignorant Patriotic Fervor

NASHVILLE, Tenn. (DPI) - Encouraged by the success of his hit single "Where Were You (When the Lights Went Out)," country star Alan Jackson has set to work on a sequel. In "Where Were You," Jackson expressed pride at not knowing the difference between Iraq and Iran. In his new single, "Where Was I (When Geography Class Was Going On)," Jackson spins yet another heart-warming tale of his lack of knowledge of all things non-American. In his new release, Jackson serenades listeners with his confusion between Austria and Australia, Switzerland and Sweden, and Cancun and Canada.

(Reported by Miles Walker)

Hussein Kills Image-Softeners

BAGHDAD, Iraq (DPI) - Consultants hired by Saddam Hussein to soften his image were executed on Monday as his international approval ratings remained stagnant. The consultants, who advised the Iraqi leader to wear more earth tones and to shy away from the retro-Josef Stalin look, were beaten and beheaded, then dragged through the streets with piano wire. The Iraqi government issued a statement noting that Hussein's execution of the unsuccessful consultants only shows the world "how serious (he) is about reforming his image with the international community."

(Reported by Davejames)

Woman Kills Husband for Drinking Bottled-Water Supply

BOSTON (DPI) - Debra-Jo Turner remained in police custody this evening after the body of Wayne Turner was found in a Dumpster full of empty Poland Spring water jugs. "I told him that water was there to save our lives, that President Bush and Tom Ridge told me I needed to have 2 gallons of water for each person in our family," Turner said as officers led her away. "It's like Wayne doesn't even care that I had to fight Emma's Sunday School teacher for the last jug. So you can understand why I just completely lost it when I saw him using the jugs to fill the fish tank." Dinah Booth, the Sunday School teacher, could not be reached for comment.

(Reported by Jody LaFerriere)

NRA Defends Saddam's Possession of Chemical Weapons

WASHINGTON (DPI) - The National Rifle Association today endorsed Iraq's right to possess weapons of mass destruction. NRA spokesman Colt Winchester called U.S. demands that Saddam Hussein disarm an obvious breach of the Iraqi leader's Second Amendment rights. "They start off by taking weapons of mass destruction away from totalitarian dictators, but where will it end?" said Winchester. "Next thing you know, the left wing is in your own house trying to take away your long range missiles." The NRA also announced plans for a Million Cold Dead Hands March for later in the month.

(Reported by Stuart Johnson)

Americans Demand Bribe to Support War, "Just Like Turkey"

WASHINGTON (DPI) - After hearing about the multi-billion-dollar bribe package President Bush is offering Turkey for its war support, American voters have organized to demand a bribe for their own endorsement. "Why should the foreigners get all the bribe money?" said Marjorie Douglas, president of Americans For Iraqi War Bribes. "Many Americans oppose the war, but could be brought around for just pennies on the dollar of what it costs to buy foreign allies." Responding to such calls for bribes for American war support, Bush said, "That's what the tax cuts were for. It certainly wasn't an economic policy."

(Reported by Slick Sharkey)

Iraqi 6-Year-Old Disarms He-Man Action Figure

Nanny Picks Power Couple's Kids out of Police Line-Up

Bush: U.S. Doesn't Require "Permission," "Reason," "Reservation"

Godiva Chocolates Decried as Weapons of Ass Destruction

Prediction: Weepy Tent Pole With Tits Wins Oscar

Bush Seeks 3 More Al-Qaeda Masterminds to Complete Collection

For Sale: Biggest House in Mister Rogers' Neighborhood

Tiger Wins Blah Blah Blah Big Whoopee

Pants Blamed in Beer-Belly Containment Breach

Both Readers Irate Over Late Daily Probe

More headlines

Local Thugs Take Back The Streets From Community's Neighborhood Watch Group

Brooklyn Bridge Sold in $700 Deal

Christian Fundamentalists Torn Over Possibility of New Crusades

PARIS, Texas (DPI) - Once they had absorbed the full impact of President Bush's post-invasion plans for Iraq, Christian Fundamentalists were surprisingly of two minds on a possible war. "While I of course support any efforts to beat some Jesus into those Muslims, I just don't see how turning Iraq into a moderate Islamic democracy is going to help bring about Armageddon," said Buford Giles, a local businessman and member of the Paris First Bible Church. "I thought we could trust Bush to do whatever is necessary to unleash the Four Horsemen and bring about the End Times and the Second Coming of our Lord and Savior. Who would have thought George would be getting all 'stability' and 'democracy' on us? As it is, our last best hope for global war is that those crazy Israelis finally snap, because, well, there ain't no Koreans in the Bible."

(Reported by Ishmael Alighieri)

Ridge Warns of Color-Sensitive Terrorist Threat

WASHINGTON (DPI) - Lowering the "actual" threat level from orange to yellow moves the "real" threat level up to red, Secretary of Homeland Defense Tom Ridge explained today. "Because terrorists are more likely to attack when they believe our citizens are less vigilant, it is important for Americans to become more watchful the very moment we tell them to be less so," said Ridge. He also noted that if the threat became so remote that a blue level, the lowest risk of terrorist threat, was ever introduced, the Administration would be forced to consider instituting martial law.

(Reported by Davejames)

Robert Blake to Guest Star on a Very Special I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here!

U.S. Straining France's Ability to Offend Others

PARIS (DPI) - France's ongoing war of words with the United States over military action against Iraq has severely limited French ability to be rude to others. Even neighboring countries like Austria and Switzerland agree the once virulent and obnoxious behavior the French used to toss around like old baguettes has now all but disappeared. "It is the Americans' fault!" said Pierre Montshat, a French government spokesman. "They keep coming up with reason after reason to oust Saddam, each of which must be answered with blind indignation and pithy rudeness. Contrary to popular belief, we only have so much of that stuff to throw around." The effects of the insolence shortage also can be felt at street level in Paris. Hans Stoffer, a Belgian businessman, said he's shocked when his French waiter expresses gratitude after collecting a substantial tip. "Normally, they spit on your shoes regardless of what you leave," said Stoffer, "This is not normal and it makes me quite nervous."

(Reported by Brad Osberg)

Goth Chick Shocks Friends With Frilly Floral Sun Dress, Henna

Bush-Appointed Environmental Investigators Get to Bottom of Another Case of Longnecks
Al-Qaeda Prisoners to Be Subjected to Three's Company Reruns
Blix: Saddam Must Destroy All Copies of Waterworld
Axl Rose Starts Night Club Fire 6 Hours Late
Teen's Boyfriend Has Heard Pretty Much Enough About Colin-Fucking-Farrell
Feline Rendezvous Interrupted by Garden Hose
Former Man Learns Hard Way Not to Sit on Explosives
Attention-Seeking North Korea to Host Saturday Night Live

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