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03/18/03

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MOST HOLY ADVICE FROM STRANGERS:



This Week's Guest:
The (anonymous) Iraqi Head of Security,
"Ahmed 25"



Dear Iraqi Head of Security:

I'm torn. There's this boy who gives me lots of nice presents, and has helped me get a good job, but he's always watching over me like he doesn't trust me, and we never go out. What's worse, he says that if I ever leave him, he'll hunt me down and kill me. I think he's kidding, but still. Then, there's this other boy who says that if I leave boy #1, he'll protect me. However, boy #2 doesn't exactly have a good reputation -- one of my neighbors got into a world of trouble when they trusted him, then he didn't actually protect them. So, while I'd like to get out from under boy #1's thumb, I don't know if I can really trust boy #2. What should I do?

Caught Between a Rock and a Hard Place


Dear Caught:

I can really identify with your situation. Can you get a feel for boy #2's intentions without boy #1 finding out? If so, do it -- but be very careful. I also can't stress enough how important it is to find out just how serious boy #1 is. Has he killed other ex-girlfriends? If so, I'd take his threat very seriously. It is also possible you're being too hard on boy #1 -- he may really love you, but just have some trust issues to work through.

At any rate, whatever you do, keep your options open at this point. Be ready to react when additional information becomes available. And good luck!

"Ahmed 25"



Dear Iraqi Head of Security:

I hate my job. It's so embarrassing that even if my employer would allow it, I don't think I could bring myself to tell people what I do for a living. For the last 11 years, I just say I run a baby-food plant, but I'm pretty sure nobody believes me. Also, I've developed these ugly lesions on my hands.

Embarrassed on the Euphrates


Dear Embarrassed:

Wow, it's like you people can see into my heart -- I know exactly how you feel! I think the time is rapidly approaching where you need to make a decision: Come clean and take the consequences, or -- and I think this is the better approach -- get yourself another job, one you can be proud of. Preferably one on another continent.

And I'd start with a little aloe on those hands.


"Ahmed 25"



Dear Iraqi Head of Security:

AAAAGH! Allah have mercy! Do you hear me! Have mercy! HAVE MERCY!!!!


Dear Mom,

I'm a busy man. Don't bug me at work.


"Ahmed 25"



(Transcribed by Travis Ruetenik)



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