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March 18, 2003

Ministry of Health Adds Dogs to Wartime Food Pyramid

BAGHDAD (BTI) - A joint commission consisting of the Ministry of Health, Welfare and Beating along with the Baghdad Humane and Animal Culinary Society has released its findings in a new report that is sure to make dog owners rejoice. The commision updated the national "food pyramid" diet guidelines after concluding that having a dog as a pet can not only soothe you in these uneasy times, but can can provide you with a fine, nutritious meal during wartime food shortages. "Everyone should have a dog for their own mental health. And dinner table," said Ahmed Ahmed, who headed up the joint commission.

(Reported by Jamal Rabadan)

Pants-Shitting on Rise as Threat of Attack Looms

BAGHDAD (BTI) - The filling of one's garments with most unclean and unrespectable waste has been on the increase in Baghdad and its environs, a Noble Report from the Great Ministry of Health has said in its wisdom, thank Allah. Ahmed al-Akbar Mohammed, great and wise health inspector, has reported at least seven and 60 cases of grown men dropping their unholy dirty matter into their own raiments, much as a child yet in its swaddling would do, in what he called "fear of great bodily harm and loss of many cattle and children" under a possible U.S. attack. Mohammed, his own robes filled with a foul-smelling bundle of his body's Great Satan, refused to speculate on the number of woman-hours that would be required to purify all of the soiled and blasphemous linen in the coming weeks.

(Reported by Tripoli al-Rueteniq)


Saddam Offers Tax Cuts to All Who Die Defending Baghdad

BAGHDAD (BTI) - Faced with the prospect of a massive American invasion of his capital, our beloved President Saddam Hussein today offered a tax cut to all citizens who die defending Baghdad. "A tax cut is not only good for the economy, but it helps inspire Iraqis to give that extra effort that might, conceivably, in some dream world, save my ass," said the President. The evil war-mongering Zionist-loving U.S. President Bush responded, "Even I can't imagine a tax cut helping motivate people to make the ultimate sacrifice to save some evildoer. Unless 98 percent of it goes to the wealthiest 5 percent -- that could work."

(Reported by Ishmael Ali-Ghieri)

Women and Children Reminded to Die Easily

BAGHDAD (BTI) - Your government would like to remind all women and children to die easily in the coming unjustified war from America. While you cannot help the great Iraqi resistance with your strength, your dead, and preferably face-up, bodies will help us show the brutality of America's aggression. "Mothers, if you are even only slightly injured, do not hold on to life," the Ministry of Interior instructed. "Rather, go to the street to die in glory and allow your crying children to call for foreign news media." If you are not lucky enough to live near or over a beautiful weapons supply then please sleep under heavy objects so that distant explosions can still maim you.

(Reported by Mahruka)

Court Upholds Saddam's Right to Hold Citizens Indefinitely

BAGHDAD (BTI) - The Supreme Revolutionary Court upheld President Saddam Hussein's right to hold Iraqi citizens in indefinite detention. The decision concerns the case of Yusef Fadulah, currently being held for criticizing the execution of his brother for plotting to shave his mustache. "Our glorious leader knows what's best for Iraq," explained Chief Justice Raj-Qist. "If the President accuses someone of being an enemy of Iraq, he is an enemy of Iraq. Enemies have no rights. They should be sent to an island prison and forgotten. What do you think this is, the United States?" Hussein argued Iraqis sometimes just like to be held.

(Reported by Sheik Sharkey)

Missing Human Shield Found Alive, Returned to Harm's Way

Baghdad University Withdraws From NCAA Tournament Amid Weapons Violations

Traffic Bureau Urges Baghdad Residents to Flee In Shifts

Polls Show We Hate Israel, USA Equally, Love France

Study: Severing Hands Reduces Repeat Thefts 100%

Businesses to Shut Down Next Week for Glorious Iraqi Victory Parade

Iraqi Parliament to Consider Restaurant Hookah Ban

Iraq Seeded 16th in Mid-East Bracket; Draws Tough First Round Match-up

Up With Saddam! Leads Box Office; Kangaroo Jack Second

Citizens Urged to Beware Falling Statues

More headlines

Support Grows for Unionized Suicide Bombers

Jamie Farr Deported for Crimes Against Humanity

Who Wants to Be Saddam's Double? Back for 2nd Season

Report: Americans Worship Weekly Craven "Idol"

NEW YORK (BTI) - Reports from the Great Satan confirm that not only do the weak-minded masses of this putrid nation worship images of Coca-Cola and The Bell of Tacos, but also gather weekly for ritual services paying tribute to a television "American Idol." In a disgusting and blasphemous lack of humility, contestants from Great Evil cities like San Antonio of the Texas and Duluth-Home-to-Minnesotans compete to be worshipped by the masses. Also there is Jared, the once-great man of Subway to whom thousands offer a pledge of fasting and abuse.

(Reported by Tripoli al-Rueteniq)

School Makes Hunkering Down for War Fun for Kids

BAGHDAD (BTI) - Rania Falood's third-grade students busied themselves this week putting the finishing touches on their massive art project -- painting "School ... Don't Bomb Here!" on the school's roof in 20-foot-high letters. It is hoped U.S. pilots will appreciate not only the message, but the amount of work that went into it. Little Fatimah Al-Sheik did a wonderful job outlining the letters in a perfect Arial font while the rest of the class spent many hours filling them in with red paint stolen from a local Republican Guard depot. Mahbub Hammadi, 8, suggested they also paint "Chemical Weapons Factory," followed by a huge arrow pointing to the large nondescript building down the street. In the end, though, the entire class put it to a vote and decided that it was not necessary to be that helpful.

(Reported by Hashim Jabir)

Crazed Concertgoers Throw Burqas on Stage

BAGHDAD (BTI) - Pop singer Saadoun Al-Bayati's return to the Hussein the Magnificent Arena Saturday was a triumph in every sense of the word. The astounding artistry that is Iraqi pop music was much on display and provided a poignant nose-thumbing to the Great Satan, whose pop artists cannot begin to understand how to properly enrapture an audience while paying tribute to the greatest of all leaders, Saddam Hussein. The beautiful women in the audience were particularly under the spell of Al-Bayati, throwing their burqas onto the stage -- spare burqas, of course, as Iraqi women are pure and chaste, unlike their counterparts in the land of the imperialist breast-baring devils.

(Reported by Trismoud Fabreez)

Thousands of Irish Join War Effort: "Fookin' 'ell"

Suburbanites Flock to New Tent Depot

Study: Running Good for Health; Just Standing There Waiting ... Not So Good
Last Call at Iraqi Nightclubs
Man Awarded Goat in Goat Dung Slip-and-Fall Case
U.N. Inspectors Conduct 27th Surprise Inspection on Belly Dancing Club
New MOAB Bomb Only Designed to Blow Shit Out of Everything, Claims Pentagon
Shout of "Hey, Mohammed!" Turns Every Head in Room
Iraqi Schools Angered Over Seizure of Weapons of Mass Education
Versace Shocks Fashion Critics With Spring Line of Charcoal, Sable, Ebony Veils
Saddam Deploys Baby Duck Shield

The Daily Probe is updated every Tuesday.
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