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March 19, 2002

Heaven's Band Still Ignoring Sonny Bono

HEAVEN (DPI) - Four years after he became eligible to play, singer Sonny Bono is still being shut out by the current members of "Heaven's Band." The former conservative politician has been attempting to join the famous band, composed of rock luminaries such as John Lennon, Buddy Holly and Kurt Cobain, but his every attempt has left him subjected to ridicule. "I've been begging these guys for years, but they just laugh and tell me to come back when Cher dies." "Heaven's Band" has been the hottest act in Heaven ever since Jimi Hendrix joined in 1970.

(Reported by Chris White)

Oscar Statuette Redesigned to
"Better Reflect Modern America"

"Pledge of Allegiance" to Include Ad Space

BOISE, IDAHO (DPI) - Secondary school administrators today unveiled a controversial new plan to find badly-needed funds for struggling schools by selling ad space during the Boise School District's Pledge of Allegiance. Administrators will sell to the highest bidder replacement text for "and liberty and justice for all." "I can explain our reason in four words," said Hartland Middle School President Evan Dalhgren: "We need the jack." Dahlgren then led a group assembly of students through the pledge: "I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the republic for which it stands, one nation, under God, indivisible, with flame-broiled WhoppersTM for all."

(Reported by Jim Rosenberg)

McMahon Injured in Doorbell-Ringing Snafu

BEVERLY HILLS (DPI) - Ed McMahon, spokesman for Publishers Clearinghouse, was beaten up by an elderly neighbor after ringing her doorbell to borrow sugar, it was reported today. A complaint taken by Beverly Hills Police states that McMahon was baking cookies for a charity bake sale and had run out of sugar. When he knocked on the door of 83-year-old Shirley Shank's home to ask if she had any to spare, he was greeted by kisses and shouts of joy. When Shank found out McMahon's real intention, she "went ballistic and beat him pretty bad with a cane," witnesses said. McMahon is in guarded condition at a nearby hospital.

(Reported by Stephanie Thompson)

Ashcroft: Abortions OK for "Other-Type Folk"

WASHINGTON (DPI) - Attorney General John Ashcroft stated today that he is not entirely opposed to abortion, as long as it isn't his kind of women seeking the controversial, and still legal, procedure. "I suppose it is acceptable if those other folk want to kill their unborn children," Ashcroft explained, "in fact it might save some jail space further down the road." He remained unclear on his position regarding women who may have been impregnated by non-standard men: "I don't understand the question, are you talking about some sort of interbreeding?"

(Reported by Mark Schmidt)

Happy Hour Commandos Address World Terrorist Crisis

SANTA CLARA, CALIFORNIA (DPI) - A group of drinking buddies today addressed global terrorism over several rounds of kamikazes at a Santa Clara Hooters. "The US must take the lead militarily, and, of greater importance, economically, if the cycle of poverty and social displacement among Muslim countries is to be broken," stated machinist Mel Apodaca while tossing back his fifth drink. "Agreed, but it would be foolhardy to dismiss the religious aspects fueling the rage felt by many educated followers of Islam," added mechanic Steve Harris. Lawn-care specialist Patty Montoya took exception, nearly spilling her Sam's: "That approach fails to recognize a fundamental truth, which is that Islam, while perhaps a profound spirituality, is a bankrupt social system in its present expression."

(Reported by Joseph Moore)

Nation's Businessmen Prepare to Pretend They're Experts on College Basketball

Shadow Government Scares Shit Out of Cleaning Lady

U.S. Planes Shower Freshmaking Mentos on Troubled Middle East

Critics Pan New Thesaurus as Inferior, Deficient, Defective, Tainted, Below-Par

Jeff Gillooly Breaks Paula Jones' Nose

Cheerful OB/GYN Spreads Joy, Vaginas

INS Grants Student Visa to Khrushchev

St. Patrick's Day Study: Oh Good Christ, My Fucking Head, Fuck

Yates Sane, Say Insane Texans

More headlines

Daily Probe Fashion Exclusive: "Enduring Freedom" Weddings

Chris Tucker, Chris Rock Working Out in Vain to Portray Boxers

Bush "Positive" He Told Congress About Dinner with Putin

WASHINGTON (DPI) - President Bush insisted yesterday that he informed Congress about dinner with Vladimir and Mrs. Putin Saturday, but Senate Leader Tom Daschle is equally certain Bush never mentioned it, claiming he doesn't have time to buy a new outfit. Explained Daschle, "It's so like Bush to make plans for us without telling Congress. Last week, he came home with the Saudi ambassador and expected us to throw dinner together just like that." Today, Congress passed a joint resolution withholding sex from the administration until Bush apologizes and promises to tell Congress before nuking anybody.

(Reported by Slick Sharkey)

I Don't Remember Seeing THAT Before

GREENWOOD, MISSISSIPPI (DPI) - What the...? Where did that come from? I don't remember seeing that there before! I wonder what the hell it is. I just noticed it on my leg, and I swear it wasn't there yesterday! Jeez, I hope it isn't cancer. My uncle Jake had cancer and his didn't look anything like this. What the hell is that? Maybe I'd better make an appointment to...SHIT!! IT'S MOVING!!!

(Reported by Kevin Paul Wickart)

New Apple Ads Tout
High-Tech Digital Sound Device

Nebraska Woman Loves Telemarketing Calls

OLD FORGE, NEBRASKA (DPI) - Sarah Hayes, 67, gets a daily barrage of telemarketing calls and she couldn't be happier. "Why waste your time running around shopping for things? If you just give it a couple of weeks, eventually somebody will call you to offer the very thing you want," commented Hayes. "Why, they even call me up about things that I didn't even realize that I needed!" Hayes further explained that she was expecting a lot of money from the nice man who took down her Social Security number, bank account number and mother's maiden name.

(Reported by Miles Walker)

Buffy Fans Discover Programming on UPN

HOLLYWOOD (DPI) - Fans of the hit television series Buffy The Vampire Slayer have shocked experts by discovering a new television universe of programming, media sources reported. The revelation came as the series moved from the WB network to UPN, which media scientists had thought was the United Parcel Network, used by the shipping giant to assist with package tracking. According to Ethel Spencer, longtime Buffy fan, "In addition to package tracking information, UPN also shows some scary-looking Gen Z show called What If or something and this one other show." Television theorists continue to research the findings.

(Reported by Brian Jones)

  World News
¤ Ralph Lauren to Recruit Hunger-Striking Guantanamo Prisoners
¤ Barometric Pressure Falls as Episode 2 Begins Sucking
¤ Former Vanilla Ice Fans Thought to Be in Hiding in Tora Bora
¤ Dark Side of Tony Robbins Revealed in New Book, Aw Fuck It
¤ bin Laden Sighted at Portland Starbucks

  Domestic News
¤ Courts Rule Ken Lay's Hide Nailed to Shed
¤ Gore Ceremoniously Hacks Off Beard Upon Reaching Two-Foot Milestone
¤ Enron, Andersen Collapses Release Dangerous Levels of Assholes into Environment
¤ Mullets at Half-Mast after Chevy Retires Camaro Line
¤ Bush Proposes Bill to Make Volunteerism Mandatory
¤ Nation's Dentists Finally Give Up on "Flossing" Lecture
¤ Ashcroft Office Full of Jesus Stuff

  Local News
¤ Family Pecked Clean in Central Park Popcorn Spill
¤ Both Sides of Blind Date Wondering What the Hell That Was All About
¤ Bride Wears White, Best Man Wears Smirk
¤ NIMBY Barbecue Canceled Due to Lack of Venue
¤ Urinal Mishap Ruins Pants, Day
¤ Smoke, Bass, Bad Vibe Issuing from Nearby low-rider

¤ New Village People Break Up After Navy Seal Guy Kills Turban Guy
¤ Oprah to Quit Show in 2006, Ascend to Heaven
¤ Rockin' in the Free World Ignites Patriotic Fervor
¤ Yates, Hinckley, Heche to Form *NSANE
¤ Julia Louis-Dreyfus Already Jumping the Shark
¤ Bono Calls on Britney to Lactate Away Third World Hunger
¤ Prince Now "Self-Indulgent Hack Formerly Known as Artist"

¤ Sports Ignorers Gear Up for March Sanity
¤ MLB Players Oppose Mandatory Spring Training Bras
¤ NASCAR for Dummies Title Shortened to NASCAR
¤ Dick Vitale Irksome, Baby
¤ "Season on the Brink" Wins Golden Finger Award
¤ Krzyzewski to Have Involuntary Vowel Movement
¤ Man-Boobs Save Barry Williams from Torso Injury
¤ Monica Seles Sucks

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