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March 25, 2005

Jeb Bush Appeals Schiavo Case to American Idol Judges

TALLAHASSEE (DPI) - Despite the U.S. Supreme Court refusing to hear a last-minute appeal, Florida Governor Jeb Bush has vowed to continue fighting to keep a brain-damaged woman alive by appealing her case to American Idol judges Simon Cowell, Paula Abdul and Randy Jackson. "The Supreme Court may be the highest court of law in America, but we won't let that technicality stop us from continuing our fight!" Bush said on the steps of the State Capitol building. Cowell claims that Bush's lack of legal footing is "absolutely dreadful," while Abdul says that Bush won her over with his passion and determination in the face of overwhelming odds. Jackson recused himself from the case, saying, "Don't drag me into this, dawg."

(Reported by Danny Gallagher, Tristan Fabriani)

Geraldo Applies for White House Press Pass

WASHINGTON (DPI) - According to a spokesperson, sensationalist and self-proclaimed journalist Geraldo Rivera applied for the White House Press Pool seat vacated by James Guckert/Jeff Gannon. Rivera has all of his credentials in line: a fake name, a steep-but-affordable price tag and a history of shameless self-promotion. The spokesperson said all that remains is "Geraldo's decision for his access pass photo -- whether to go with the ball-gag and leather dog collar, or the cheek tattoo reading 'This Space Reserved for Scott McClellan'."

(Reported by Carl Knorr)

Kyrgyz President Flees Just Ahead Of Vowel-Hungry Mob

Florida Once Again Atop "Wackiest State" Leader Board

Judge Orders Feeding Tube Removed From NHL

Mariah Carey Meltdown Watch Enters Crucial 4th Month

Kmart-Sears Merger Begets Unheard-of Access to Crap

Drudge Report Unveils New 6-Inch-Tall Red Font

Online Petition Actually Accomplishes Something

Huddersfield, England (DPI) A new precedent was set early in March when an online petition actually succeeded in accomplishing something. Philip Baker, owner of the Hart & Hind Inn, reported that He discontinued selling full pints after the 25th person was thrown through his front window in a brawl. Mr. Baker said "I was made aware of a petition online where many customers reported 'feeling like a ponce' buying a half-pint, so I revived the full pint." Of the approximately 7.3 million online petitions ever created, this is believed to be the first to ever succeed. Other petition administrators, such as "Spaz," who runs the "Burn Linkin Park" petition, are hopeful in the wake of this announcement.

(Reported by Stuart Johnson)

Ask Zarxnol

The premier child psychologist on his home planet
Xargolia before being called to the service of his
Warrior-God Xargol as a conqueror of lesser worlds, Zarxnol
happilly adresses the child-raising concerns of our readers.

Dear Zarxnol,

I'm an avid hunter. In fact, I can't remember a time in my life when fall didn't mean deer season. I'd like to introduce my son to my favorite sport. I know he's too young now (he's only two and couldn't hold a rifle safely), but when would be an appropriate time to get him involved?

Hunter in Huntsville


Faah! You wretched humans and your childlike obsessions with those piffling blunderbusses! In Xargol's righteous name, I swear every third letter I receive is involved with those laughable lead-spitting loogie launchers! Believe me, Hun, it was tempting to stow your pathetic inquiry away with all the other firearm-based inquests, but Knorr the Interpreter recently restocked the toilet tissue supply. Besides, your curious phraseology provides a unique facet of this issue I have yet to address to my satisfaction.

The question, as asked, was when you should train your L'il Ter in the ways of riflemanship. My response is two-fold, and the path you should follow depends upon the true depth of your self-preservation.

By my observation, the human is unique among all life forms -- on Earth especially -- in that the desire to dominate varies inversely with its ability to dominate. Your children are spirited, positive, forward-thinking, ambitious and eager to learn. A child's energy is nigh boundless and its enthusiasm infectious, yet sadly its strength is negligible, legal standing nonexistent, and it often lacks the wisdom to feed itself sufficiently or even make dookie outside its own pantaloons. Your elders possess the desire to lead through love and the ability through wisdom gleaned from victories and errors past, yet they often lack the wherewithal to venture more than six blocks from the Country Kitchen Buffet for fear of starvation. That most unfortunately for the human race leaves dominion of this planet in the hands of the young adult population.

Young adult humans... Dear Xargol, I pray upon your seven teats to show me where to begin! All the power, strength, financial and physical prowess falls into the hands of this execrable heap of visionless protoplasm! With proper discipline and direction, an army of young adult humans would indeed be a formidable foe even for a Xargolian strike force, yet the apparent zenith of existence for these meatsacks is to carry small dogs around in a purse, sing badly for fey British critics, and eat rodent offal for mere financial consideration! Such a repugnant squandering of potential is wholly unforgivable -- vomitous by a long sight indeed! Violently shall I recall my lunchtime Hot Pockets and project the resultant bolus in the face of the first young adult human I encounter in utter repulsion!

Therefore, Hun, should you be the typical facile self-centered young adult human, I strongly suggest you avoid giving your progeny proper access to deadly force until the septic squalor of your soul seeps deep into the recesses of L'il Ter's now creaseless and spotless psyche. However, if the root of your inquiry is nestled in the fertile soil of the preservation and evolution of the human race, by all means, hand him that rifle this minute and say "Now, press that little button and give the bullets back to Daddy!"

Off with you, banal reprobate! Befoul my domain no further!


Send your questions to Zarxnol at:

(Translated by Carl Knorr)

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