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Jeb Bush Appeals Schiavo Case to American Idol Judges
TALLAHASSEE (DPI) - Despite the U.S. Supreme Court refusing to hear
a last-minute appeal, Florida Governor Jeb Bush has vowed to continue
fighting to keep a brain-damaged woman alive by appealing her case to
American Idol judges Simon Cowell, Paula Abdul and Randy Jackson.
"The Supreme Court may be the highest court of law in America, but we
won't let that technicality stop us from continuing our fight!" Bush said
on the steps of the State Capitol building. Cowell claims that Bush's
lack of legal footing is "absolutely dreadful," while Abdul says that
Bush won her over with his passion and determination in the face of
overwhelming odds. Jackson recused himself from the case, saying,
"Don't drag me into this, dawg."
(Reported by Danny Gallagher, Tristan Fabriani)
Geraldo Applies for White House Press Pass
WASHINGTON (DPI) - According to a spokesperson,
sensationalist and self-proclaimed journalist Geraldo
Rivera applied for the White House Press Pool seat
vacated by James Guckert/Jeff Gannon. Rivera has all
of his credentials in line: a fake name, a steep-but-affordable price tag
and a history of shameless self-promotion. The spokesperson
said all that remains is "Geraldo's decision for his access pass photo --
whether to go with the ball-gag and leather dog collar, or the
cheek tattoo reading 'This Space Reserved for Scott McClellan'."
(Reported by Carl Knorr)
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Kyrgyz President Flees Just Ahead Of Vowel-Hungry Mob
Florida Once Again Atop "Wackiest State" Leader Board
Judge Orders Feeding Tube Removed From NHL
Mariah Carey Meltdown Watch Enters Crucial 4th Month
Kmart-Sears Merger Begets Unheard-of Access to Crap
Drudge Report Unveils New 6-Inch-Tall Red Font
Online Petition Actually Accomplishes Something
Huddersfield, England (DPI) – A new precedent was set early in March when
an online petition actually succeeded in accomplishing something. Philip
Baker, owner of the Hart & Hind Inn, reported that He discontinued selling
full pints after the 25th person was thrown through his front window in a
brawl. Mr. Baker said "I was made aware of a petition online where many
customers reported 'feeling like a ponce' buying a half-pint, so I revived
the full pint." Of the approximately 7.3 million online petitions ever
created, this is believed to be the first to ever succeed. Other petition
administrators, such as "Spaz," who runs the "Burn Linkin Park" petition, are
hopeful in the wake of this announcement.
(Reported by Stuart Johnson)
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Ask Zarxnol
The premier child psychologist on his home planet
Xargolia before being called to the service of his
Warrior-God Xargol as a conqueror of lesser worlds, Zarxnol
happilly adresses the child-raising concerns of our readers.
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Dear Zarxnol,
I'm an avid hunter. In fact, I can't remember a time in my life when fall
didn't mean deer season. I'd like to introduce my son to my favorite
sport. I know he's too young now (he's only two and couldn't hold a rifle
safely), but when would be an appropriate time to get him involved?
Hunter in Huntsville
Hunter:
Faah! You wretched humans and your childlike obsessions with those
piffling blunderbusses! In Xargol's righteous name, I swear every third
letter I receive is involved with those laughable lead-spitting loogie
launchers! Believe me, Hun, it was tempting to stow your pathetic inquiry
away with all the other firearm-based inquests, but Knorr the Interpreter
recently restocked the toilet tissue supply. Besides, your curious
phraseology provides a unique facet of this issue I have yet to address to
my satisfaction.
The question, as asked, was when you should train your L'il Ter in the
ways of riflemanship. My response is two-fold, and the path you should
follow depends upon the true depth of your self-preservation.
By my observation, the human is unique among all life forms -- on Earth
especially -- in that the desire to dominate varies inversely with its
ability to dominate. Your children are spirited, positive,
forward-thinking, ambitious and eager to learn. A child's energy is nigh
boundless and its enthusiasm infectious, yet sadly its strength is
negligible, legal standing nonexistent, and it often lacks the wisdom to
feed itself sufficiently or even make dookie outside its own pantaloons.
Your elders possess the desire to lead through love and the ability
through wisdom gleaned from victories and errors past, yet they often lack
the wherewithal to venture more than six blocks from the Country Kitchen
Buffet for fear of starvation. That most unfortunately for the human race
leaves dominion of this planet in the hands of the young adult population.
Young adult humans... Dear Xargol, I pray upon your seven teats to show me
where to begin! All the power, strength, financial and physical prowess
falls into the hands of this execrable heap of visionless protoplasm!
With proper discipline and direction, an army of young adult humans would
indeed be a formidable foe even for a Xargolian strike force, yet the
apparent zenith of existence for these meatsacks is to carry small dogs
around in a purse, sing badly for fey British critics, and eat rodent
offal for mere financial consideration! Such a repugnant squandering of
potential is wholly unforgivable -- vomitous by a long sight indeed!
Violently shall I recall my lunchtime Hot Pockets and project the
resultant bolus in the face of the first young adult human I encounter in
utter repulsion!
Therefore, Hun, should you be the typical facile self-centered young adult
human, I strongly suggest you avoid giving your progeny proper access to
deadly force until the septic squalor of your soul seeps deep into the
recesses of L'il Ter's now creaseless and spotless psyche. However, if
the root of your inquiry is nestled in the fertile soil of the
preservation and evolution of the human race, by all means, hand him that
rifle this minute and say "Now, press that little button and give the
bullets back to Daddy!"
Off with you, banal reprobate! Befoul my domain no further!
Regards,
Zarxnol
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Send your questions to Zarxnol at: Zarxnol@DailyProbe.com
(Translated by Carl Knorr)
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