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March 25, 2003

Pentagon Believes Iraqi TV Tape of Saddam May Not Be Recent

(Graphic by Kevin Wickart)

Fox Kids Makes War Fun for Children of All Ages

NEW YORK (DPI) - The Fox News network is working together with its affiliate FoxBox TV to transfer the horrific images of war into a more accessible cartoon format. "Obviously we need to show coverage of the war in Iraq on all our channels 24 hours a day, and we think urban gunfights and prisoners of war are concepts best explained to children through animation," said program director Pete Klein. "According to the art directors, the images from Fox News will be directly converted into cartoon format, with the American-led coalition forces replaced by smart-but-playful chimpanzees and the Iraqi army becoming a cold and uncaring troop of robots. Any Iraqi child being used as a human shield will be portrayed as a puppy with the voice of Michael J Fox."

(Reported by Mark Schmidt)

U.S. Serviceman Treated for Sand in Asscrack

KUWAIT CITY (DPI) - Pvt. Eldredge Jenkins, a member of the U.S. Army's 3rd Infantry, was in stable condition today after being flown from the Iraqi border with what he called a "huge wad of sand all creeping up (his) crack," CNN reported today. Desert warfare experts say the damage, which includes "getting all scratchy up there," is likely due to terrorist sabotage, most likely from groups allied with Saddam's feverishly loyal Republican Guard. Jenkins is being flown to an undisclosed U.S. base in Europe, where he will undergo a splashdown with a hose and some bar soap.

(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)

Toy Promotion Geared to Scare Fuck out of Your Kids

NEW YORK (DPI) - Federated Department Stores, parent company of Macy's Inc. (NYSE: FD) today launched its "Bathtime Terror" promotion with a new line of "absolutely fucking horrifying" dolls and scrubbies intended to scare the living hell out of your kids, according to a corporate spokeswoman. "The first character in the series, Tortured Forlorn Hellspawn, is available for $5 with a $35 purchase in any Macy's kids department through April 5th," said Yvette Briggs. Later in April, the department store chain intends to roll out additional characters, including Doggie Ax-Through-Head and Gonna-Eatcha-Up Guy. The toys are available while supplies last.

(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)

U.S. Soldiers "Kind of Appreciate" Care Package From Peaceniks

BASRA, Iraq (DPI) - American GIs here expressed near-gratitude today for a care package sent by Berkeley students. "I don't know what to make of this shit," said a puzzled Pvt. Harold Coswell. "Like this box of cous cous. Is this some kind of anti-war statement or just included because it wasn't selling at their co-op?" Coswell was equally befuddled by other items. "You'd think they'd send a bunch of lonely troops the new SI swimsuit issue. Instead, they send this fucking Amnesty International calendar, filled with depressing pictures of oppressed people. A different culture being repressed for every month of the year. Fanfuckingtastic."

(Reported by Miles Walker)

La Leche League Releases Breast Milk Cookbook

LOS ANGELES (DPI) - The La Leche League has released a new cookbook for nursing mothers who want to introduce their babies to new foods while maintaining the benefits of breast milk. Recipes for breast milk ice cream, breast milk cheese, and breast milk onion dip will be featured, along with other specialty dairy products. "People today want to give their children natural foods," said Mary Underhill, League president. "What's more natural than festive desserts and cheeses produced from your own body?" The cookbook also comes with larger recipes for entertaining. "A little breast milk casserole can feed an entire Mommy & Me class," said Underhill.

(Reported by Slick Sharkey)

Liza to Cancel Anniversary Bash Due to War, Booze Binge

HOLLYWOOD (DPI) - Entertainment legend Liza Minnelli, 57, and her husband, David Gest, have canceled their upcoming first-anniversary gala because of the ongoing conflict in Iraq and Liza's recent fall way, way off the wagon. "The couple just felt the timing is bad with the war causing suffering for so many people," said publicist Howard Stein. "It'll also be a good time for friends and family to scrape Liza off the bearskin rug again, hose her down and send her off to the lovely Wernersville clinic that she loves so much."

(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)

Small Pockets of Resistance Highlight Milan Fashion Show

Sex Toy Shop to Market "Freedom Ticklers"

Queen Latifah's Bra Wins Best Supporting Undergarment

MOAB Bomb Renamed Mr. Snoogum-Woogums-Cuddle-Bum

Iraq Eliminated in First Round of Mid-East Bracket

Connery Thanks Elton John for Last-Minute Loaner Tux

Baghdad Defenseless Against Great White

Fuck War

More headlines

Companies to Bid on Naming Rights for New Iraq

Well-Compensated Beneficiaries of American Hegemony Pout About War

Halle Berry a Sniffling, Slobbering Mess After Becoming First Black Woman to Present an Oscar After Becoming First Black Woman to Win Best Actress Oscar

Mother of Toddlers: "What's This About a War?"

HARTFORD, Conn. (DPI) - Annette Freemont was shocked last week to learn that the United States has engaged in a conflict with Iraq. "Are you telling me that we started a war? Where the hell was I?" A Daily Probe investigation has revealed that Freemont's ignorance is directly tied to the presence of two pre-schoolers in her house. "We only watch Nickelodeon, Cartoon Network and the three Disney channels that we get on our satellite dish. I don't watch anything else," she said. "And we don't get newspapers or magazines anymore because I never have time to read them." Freemont vowed to find the time to peruse her daughter's back issues of Weekly Reader and the Daily Probe.

(Reported by Jody LaFerriere)

Marin County Earth Mamma: Middle East Crisis Could Be Resolved with Hemp

MILL VALLEY, Calif. (DPI) - Heather Rain Scherf, manager for a local organic produce market in this sleepy Marin County town, declared today that a switch to a hemp-based lifestyle could "mellow those angry people in the Middle East." "Hemp is excellent for so many things -- paper, cloth, rope, packing materials," Scherf said. "And it is easy to grow and easy on the environment. Economies built around wholesome, friendly hemp-based communities are bound to be more at peace with themselves and with each other. And if that isn't enough to spread peace and calm, well, fuck it -- just fire up some that righteous bud. End of conflict."

(Reported by Ishmael Alighieri)

Saddam Addresses Iraq: "Ouch"

BAGHDAD, Iraq (DPI) - Saddam Hussein appeared on Iraqi television last night, sending the message to his people that he is alive and well despite "some seriously heavy shit going down around here." Holding up his bandaged right arm and turning to show the cameras the "big-ass lump" on the backside of his head sustained during last week's "bunker buster" bombing attacks, Saddam condemned the United States for its "bad fucking attitude" and "acts of jumping all over" the Iraqi people's ass. According to inside sources, Saddam's glasses also were reported to be broken until he could find some duct tape or "one of those little fucking screwdrivers."

(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)


Rice to Ask Bush to Stop Doing That Stupid Dance

WASHINGTON (DPI) - In a special meeting to which President Bush was not invited, the Cabinet today voted to send National Security Adviser Condoleezza Rice to ask Bush politely to "stop doing that stupid dance" he's been doing ever since war with Iraq finally began. "We're all happy we finally got the war under way, but after the first day or two, the rest of us settled down into some semblance of a routine," said Secretary of State Colin Powell. "But the President can't seem to sit still for five minutes without jumping up and going through that little dance of his and saying, over and over, 'Who da man? I am! I am da Man!'" The dance itself, reported to be some unholy hybrid of the one in the Bangles' "Walk Like and Egyptian" video and a feeble attempt at a Michael Jackson-esque Moonwalk, is by all reports completely lame. "The president is, after all, a middle-aged white Yale man from Texas," Powell said. "What would you expect?"

(Reported by Joseph Moore)

Kittens Crushed by Errant Rainbow

Tour of Michael Moore's Mind Wins Award for Scariest Special Effect
Iraq's Oscar Night Really, Really Toned Down This Year
Video Game Makers Glad Gulf War II Finally Has Some Shooting
Six-Bottle Wine Rack Organized by Price
Daily Probe Annual Anal Sex Issue Canceled Due to War
Confused Travel Agent Books Couple on Cruise Missile
Fleischer: "Disarmament of Charlton Heston Has Begun"

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