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March 26, 2002

Catholics to Declare New "Saint of Molestation"

VATICAN CITY (DPI) - With so many priests accused of defiling children, the Catholic Church has announced a new Saint of Molestation, according to Cardinal Defosse, spokesman for The Vatican. "It was just easier to include molestation into holiness, rather than troubling with trials and excommunication," said Defosse. The only trouble facing the Vatican is deciding which name to use for the Saint. "We have O'Connell from Florida, Koveos and Geoghan in Boston, and dozens of others," he said. Of course having one's name used for a Sainthood does carry some qualifications: "Yes, if the winner is currently living then he will have to be killed," explained Defosse, "preferably slowly."

(Reported by Mark Schmidt)

Hasbro Corporation Recalls New
Pickle-Flavored Modeling Compound

Authorities Confirm: Everybody Was Kung Fu Fighting

DETROIT, MI (DPI) - Authorities have confirmed that a situation that erupted late yesterday was, in fact, kung fu fighting-related. Police Chief Jerry A. Oliver confirmed to press in a statement that the combatants, who witnesses reported being "fast as lightning," included funky Billy Chin and little Sammy Chung, described by Oliver as "Funky Chinamen from funky Chinatown." "They were chopping them up and they were chopping them down," said eyewitness Laurie Yates, 26, who happened upon the scene on her lunch break. "Those cats were fast as lightning," she declared. "In fact," she admitted to reporters, "It was a little bit frightening, but they fought with expert timing."

(Reported by Greg Preece)

Trekkies on Orange Alert Set Phasers to "Kill"

SAN FRANCISCO (DPI) - Responding to the Homeland Security Advisory status set by Secretary Tom Ridge, Trekkies nationwide upgraded their defensive posture, equipping themselves with both hand and rifle phasers, to be carried at all times, set and locked on level 15 ("kill"). "We've received our orders from Secretary Ridge, and we're following standard Starfleet Protocol," stated Lt. Walters, Chief of Security for the USS Excelsior (Tommy Walters of Boca Raton, Florida). "We'll be here, on alert, until the current crisis is over, or until Mom calls me to dinner."

(Reported by Jim Griffith)

Report: Football Ragingly Homoerotic, Bowling Subtly So

LOS ANGELES (DPI) - In a new study, sports psychology experts have determined that the homoerotic overtones of football are, in the words of one researcher, "raging" while those in bowling are more subtle, in an infantile, phallic way. "On a homoerotic scale, only professional wrestling rates higher than football" said Dr. Alfonse Degregorio of the Institute of Sports Psychology and Inappropriate Touching. "Bowling, while equally homoerotic, hides its proclivities behind ill-disguised and infantile phallic symbols." Dr. Degregorio concluded, "We just want to help these poor men to stop denying the desire which inclines them to engage in activities involving lots of bent-over men's butts."

(Reported by Joseph Moore)

ACLU Upset By Use of Sarcastic Quotes in Tribunal "Justice"

WASHINGTON (DPI) - The ACLU today announced its opposition to the administration's plan for military tribunals based on the high number of words set in "air quotes" by Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld. "While [Rumsfeld] does not wave his fingers in the air to indicate which words are in quotes," said ACLU spokesperson Donna Willington, "we could hear them in his voice. Words like 'fair trial', 'rights', and 'metered justice' were definitely set aside in quotes, and his liberal use of 'so-called' set off many warning bells. ACLU policy requires opposition once any discussion of administration policy reaches a quoted content of fifteen percent."

(Reported by Davejames)

John Wayne Bobbit Ties Knot, Wraps with Duct Tape

Billy Graham Apologizes for Getting Caught Hating Jews

Firefighters Run into Smelly Bathroom While Others Run Out

Doomsday Clock Moved Ahead Due to Nuclear Buildup, Daylight Saving Time

Dr. Scholl's Coffin Lined for Comfort and Odor Protection

Biological Paving Crew Battles Sponsor for Custody of Adopted Highway

Ann Landers Orders Counseling for All

More headlines

Academy Awards 2002 Report

Bin Laden Said to Be Hiding in Starbucks

Daily Probe Exclusive:
Liza Minnelli Wedding Photo!

Woman Accepts Jesus, Loses 58 Pounds Without Dieting

BATESVILLE, IN (DPI) - Cries of thanks rang out to the Lord today in this bucolic corn-belt town as a local resident praised God for the gift of the loss of 58 pounds without dieting. "Sweet Jesus, I feel like a great weight has been lifted from me!" stated now-svelte Irene Johansson, 34. "The good Lord has healed me of 58 extra pounds. I've been fat since I had those three kids, and nothing else I've tried has worked. In my darkest hour, I gave my life to Jesus, and now I can fit into my prom dress again! It's a miracle!"

(Reported by Joseph Moore)

Why Don't They Call?

SEATTLE (DPI) - Why don't they call? It's already 5:30 and still no phone call. If it was just the cable guy, I would have stepped out and left a note, but this is important. Seriously, they said they would call today, but maybe they're busy. Oh God, you don't think they changed their mind, do you? What could have gone wrong? Yesterday I confirmed that they would call today, but crap, today is almost gone and no call. Something must be up. I should call them back again. No, I don't want to seem impatient. Dammit, I have to pee.

(Reported by Ross Brown)

"Let's Roll!" Getting All Played Out by Boss

DES MOINES, IOWA (DPI) - The phrase "Let's roll!" -- immortalized by the heroic passengers of Flight 93 -- is getting on the nerves of Project Manager Sandy Harris. According to Harris, her supervisor has been using the call-to-arms non-stop since September 11th. "When I think about those passengers saying those words before fighting the hijackers, it brings tears to my eyes. But when Charlie [Gaston] opens a staff meeting with it, I could just vomit." Harris says she also believes the phrase is overly-dramatic when used by Gaston before leaving for lunch at Arby's.

(Reported by Chuck Sawyer)

Missile Defense Test Successfully Destroys US Government Building

WASHINGTON (DPI) - In a test declared a "success," an anti-ballistic missile accidentally went off course and destroyed an office building for the US Department of Transportation, killing 56 civilians and wounding over 200 others. The Defense Department issued a statement taking responsibility for the unprovoked, successful attack. "Even though the missile did not hit the dummy target that we had set up on a remote Pacific island, it totally obliterated the building that it did hit, causing serious structural damage and heavy casualties," Pentagon spokeswoman Cheryl Irwin said.

(Reported by Danny Gallagher)

  World News
¤ Al Qaeda Holdouts Attacked by 10th Mountain Division, KISS Army
¤ Report: 90% of Nigerians Have $30 Million in Bank Account
¤ French News Channel Delivers News, Snootiness
¤ Nostradamus Foresaw Enron, Zima

  Domestic News
¤ New Adult Diaper Guaranteed to Withstand Red Alert Announcements
¤ Arthur Andersen Client List Down to Gambino, Lucchino Families
¤ Study: Skim Milk Drinkers Healthier, Surlier
¤ Ridge Demands to Be Referred to as "Der Homelünder"
¤ Weird Beard Feared, Jeered
¤ Weak File Class Action Suit Against Strong
¤ Non-molested Altar Boys Admit to Not Feeling Pretty

  Local News
¤ Can You Shut Your Damn Dog Up, Or Do I Have to Shove the Hairy Little Bastard Up Your Ass?
¤ Shopper Buys 15%-Off Items with 21% Charge Card
¤ Dating Tip: Use Soap. Lots of Soap
¤ Employee Offers to Kiss Ass for 2% Raise
¤ Exotic Bar Patrons Want More Bumping, Less Grinding
¤ Six Burn to Death as Entire Station Attends Heroes Banquet
¤ Lesbians in Next Car Make Traffic Jam Wonderful
¤ "I Am Risen" Tops Easter Pickup Lines

¤ Sidney Poitier Gets Academy's "Still Fucking Alive" Award
¤ Battlebots to Match Hawking, Reeve
¤ New Relationship Resets Britney's Virginity Odometer
¤ Petty, Ramones Can't Remember Being Inducted into Rock and Roll Hall of Fame

¤ Saints Trade 1st-Round Draft Choice for Magic Beans
¤ Women's Studies Students Not Having As Much Fun with NCAA Women's Hoops Pool As They Expected
¤ Indiana: Bobby Who?
¤ Loser Schools to Compete in NIT
¤ Charles Barkley Says Something Outrageous
¤ Panthers Suck

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