The Top 5 List The Daily Probe Ruminations Save Martha Stewart!



Front Page


Advice from Strangers

Ain't That America?


With Mitch

Moth's Diary

Movie Corner


Crap Shop
Who's at Fault?
Contact Us!

Aye, mateys!
Get you some
Daily Probe booty!

Advice from Strangers

This Week's Guest:

American Idol's Simon Cowell

Dear Simon,

I've been at my job for about six years. Recently, I was promoted and my new boss is, well, he's gorgeous. He's good-looking, smart and articulate, and he just makes me weak in the knees. I'm pretty sure he feels the same way about me, but I just don't know how to approach the subject without putting my career in jeopardy. Would inviting him for drinks be good idea?

Lusting in Lincoln

Dear LIL,

First of all, that is the worst -- the absolute worst -- advice letter I have ever seen. I think you should find the names of all of your English teachers from when you were in school and file a class-action lawsuit against them. Really, really dreadful. This column is for people who need advice, and with a performance like that ... I'm sorry, it was just so bad that it made me want to gouge my own eyes out. This letter was Ann Landers-worthy maybe. Potentially even Dan Savage-worthy. But you will never be worthy here. I suggest taking up another hobby and not wasting our time any more. Terrible.


Dear Simon,

I've been having trouble with my wife recently. It's like we don't communicate at all any more. The problem is, I'm a pretty macho guy, and it's never been easy for me to discuss fruity things like "communication." How do I patch things up without seeming like a fairy?

Distant in Dayton

Dear DID,

I take it back. LIL, I apologize -- THIS is the worst letter I have ever read. It's like ... it's like a bunch of scientists took an ape, shaved it down, put a crayon in its hand, and the result is your letter. As bad as it was, you could take LIL's letter, throw it down a 100-year-old outhouse channel, let it sit there for six months collecting waste, fish it out and present it to me on the end of steel tongs, and I'd STILL rather read that letter than DID's letter. Why ... why do you talentless Americans waste my time? This is positively abhorrent.


Dear Simon,

I'm a Grammy-winning judge on a televised talent show. One of the other judges on the show is the most obnoxious, horrible little man I've ever met. I want to tell him what a tool he is, but I'm afraid of tension on the show. How do I get the point across to him?


Dear LakerGirl,

First of all, Paula, it's patently obvious who you are. It's like you didn't even put any thought into your letter. But more importantly, the sexual tension in your letter is so thinly veiled it's incredible. I'll tell you the same thing I told Randy: It's not going to happen.


(Transcribed by Greg Preece)

The Daily Probe is updated every Tuesday
or whenever we damn well feel like it.

Copyright 2001-2004 / All Rights Reserved
No use allowed without prior permission.