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April 1, 2003

Iraq Protests Lack of Name Taking

BAGHDAD, Iraq (DPI) - Iraq's information minister, Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf, complained yesterday that the Coalition Forces are knocking the shit out of his country and not taking any names. "Isn't there something in the Geneva Convention that sets the proper protocol for this?" he said. U.S. military spokeswoman Brenda Renfro countered, saying complying with that request would take too long. "Taking names like Abdel Tawab Mullah Huweish on all prisoners of war would cost us hours in paperwork," she said. "If we had to do that we'd still be only three miles over the border."

(Reported by Dave Henry)

Effigy Quality Dangerously Low

JAKARTA, Indonesia (DPI) - Of the dozens of President Bush effigies burned in anti-war protests today, only a few actually resembled the American leader. "I'm embarrassed to be Indonesian," said Hardi Johan, "The strength of any protest can be seen in the quality of the effigies, and as a professional effigy maker I can tell you most of these were not done with care." Many of the effigies appeared to be only old clothing stuffed with paper and a poor quality photo taped on to resemble the head. "Those paper bodies could represent any of us," said Johan. "We might as well jump into the fire ourselves."

(Reported by Mark Schmidt)

Report: Iraqi Soldiers Dressing as Cartoon Characters

DOHA, Qatar (DPI) - Lt. Gen. William Wallace revealed in his briefing today that many Iraqi paramilitary have been disguising themselves as Disney characters and other beloved children's icons in an effort to deter coalition forces. "Our soldiers are the best trained in the world, but many are finding it hard to fire upon squads of Big Birds and Little Mermaids, even when the cartoonish combatants engage first," said the general. Calling the tactics "just another low in the Iraqi fighting strategy," Williams was particularly upset with the Iraqi group holding Basra. "We had to send an entire tank platoon to the rear for decompressing because they're convinced they're the ones that killed Bambi," he said.

(Reported by Davejames)

Captured Iraqi Cities to Begin Making Tribute Payments to Cheney

BASRA, Iraq (DPI) - In advance of Halliburton Corp. commencing its fiefdom of the Southern Iraqi city of Basra, the town elders have gathered their harvest, goats, and as many nubile virgins as they could find to begin making tribute payments to Vice President Dick Cheney. The vice president's office released a statement saying he would also accept payment in bullion, oil or whatever other treasure was available. "Triumphal parades can be very expensive," explained military analyst and retired Gen. Buck Shammer. "Plus, you have to show a profit if you want to fund the next expedition."

(Reported by Slick Sharkey)

Dora the Explorer Reported Missing

OVER-THE-MOUNTAIN, Calif. (DPI) - Intrepid preschool adventurer Dora the Explorer was reported missing early this morning. Mrs. The Explorer called police when she realized Dora's backpack was still hanging on the back of her chair at the kitchen table. "She keeps a map in her backpack -- how will she find her way around without her map?" she said. Local police tried to interview Boots, Dora's constant companion, but there is speculation that he is also missing. Authorities wish to interview Swiper the Fox, but caution that he has not been named a suspect. Parties with any information on Dora should go across the river and through the tunnel to the big brick police station.

(Reported by Jody LaFerriere)

Thousands Duped in Cheap Daily Probe April Fool's Joke

Iraqis Torch Oil Fields, Request "Free Bird"

Adrien Brody's Nose to Star in Godzilla 2004

Suburbanites Plant Flowers, Vegetables, the Late Mr. Nibbles

Bush Practices Nation Building With Shitload of Legos

Science Unleashes Yet Another Onion Snack Cracker On Unsuspecting World

Science: Ari Fleischer Volunteers to Explore Outer Limits of Testiness

Coalition Forces Uncover Huge Cache of Inflatable Human Shields

More headlines

The Daily Probe Map of Downtown Baghdad

God Strikes! Gaia, Vishnu Walk Out in Sympathy

Cheney Unconcerned Over Latest Defeat of Alaskan Oil Drilling: "We Have Other Good Leads"

Bush Going Overboard With Ultimatums

Fans Rave Over Yanni's "Taking a Dump Onstage" Concert

SPOKANE, Wash. (DPI) - Yanni fans received a rare treat as the New Age Adonis performed a concert on PBS last night, emptying the contents of his bowels as part of his new tour. "I thought that 1999's 'Casual Urination' show was great, but it didn't hold a candle to this," gushed diehard fan Jennifer Wagner, her nipples stiffening as she spoke. "Seeing Yanni squeezing out a loaf was even more intense, more powerful than I could have imagined. And the production was so incredible, with the full orchestra, the state-of-the-art lighting effects, and with the moonlit Acropolis in the background."

(Reported by Gus Harris)

PC Gamer Condemns Conduct of War

LAS VEGAS (DPI) - Arnold Meekins, frequent player of the strategy based PC game "Civilization III," cannot understand why it has taken forces over a week to seize Baghdad. "It's simple, really," Meekins said. "With nothing but desert, armored forces shouldn't lose any movement points at all. And M-1 Abrams, which probably have at least 16 attack points and 10 defense points, should waltz right through Iraqi irregulars. At a healing rate of one point per turn, one tank should be able to take on battalions. If I were V Corps commander, this thing would have been over three 'control-shift-A's' ago!"

(Reported by Davejames)

Annoyed Driver Decides to Oppose War

CHICAGO (DPI) - Chicago-area insurance salesman Charles Barledge would tell you he's not a politically-minded fellow, but his views changed suddenly and abruptly this morning when anti-war protesters lay down in the busy intersection in front of Barledge's car. Barledge found himself convinced. "When I saw how eagerly and efficiently they irritated me, making me late for work and causing my third write-up since last summer, I couldn't help but oppose this inhuman war," said Barledge. "Peace now!" Barledge plans to join in with the protesters himself "one of these days."

(Reported by Mark Niebuhr)

Spring Heralds Return of That Weird Smell From Under the Stoop

Opinion: Wolf Blitzer Looks a Tad Too Clean Out There in Desert
Dixie Chicks Sales Commensurate With Talent
Suspicious Package Found in Jacko's Pants
Hot This Spring: Khaki Shorts, Fitted Ts, Stuff on Fire
Anti-Tax Cut Senators Arrested Near White House
Yep, Camels Are That Nasty

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