Musing With Mitch
by Mitchell Kobriger
Next time I buy a globe, I'm going to look for one where the U.S.A. is red, white and blue.
If I were running this war, our boys would get all the Slim Jims they could eat.
An object in motion tends to stay in motion? Yeah, right -- sell it to some other sucker.
Anybody else think broccoli looks like little trees?
I know I'm going to get some hate mail for this, but I think chicken franks kick the crap out of the turkey ones.
Don't worry, gang -- once she scrubs off the Maury Povich stench, Connie Chung will be right back on her feet.
You never hear about much stuff happening in Kentucky, do you?
There's no meaner phrase than "No one wants to see your little brat, you stupid bitch!" -- but that's never stopped ol' Mitch from using it.
I could sure go for a gin fizz and something to trim my callouses with right about now.
Australopithecus, my ass. That's a monkey.
I'm sure an acetylene torch has many uses beyond burning the pinfeathers off game birds, but for the life of me, I can't name one.
When will GQ tell the world it's okay for men to wear fingernail polish?
If the Army's not using James Earl Jones to announce scary shit at the Iraqis, they're wasting talent, folks.
If you light it on fire, you can't really call it a "freak accident" can you?
Des Moines is a classic example of how America can take something French and make it good.
There is no device more likely to push a man into homosexuality than the sewing machine. Proceed with caution, guys.
I refuse to drink that sissy bottled water. Straight-from-the-hose is good enough for Mitch.
In my book, there's no such thing as too salty.
The next time I order blank checks, I'm going for Loony Tunes. That Daffy Duck cracks me up.
On TV, Iraq looks like it's mostly sand. There's your problem, folks: if a man doesn't have a lawn to tend, he'll find trouble.
I never used to think "flame-resistant" was something to look for in a hair gel. Boy, was I wrong.
The way Mitch sees it, if it's legal somewhere in the world, it can't be all that bad.