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April 2, 2002

Bin Laden to Settle Down, Marry Fourth Wife

KABUL (DPI) - Al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden, named "The Sexiest Terrorist Alive" by People magazine and "Most Eligible Polygamist" in an Afghani poll, will marry a fourth wife, the CIA reported. The news shocked millions of women who had hoped to become bin Laden's property. According to the happy groom, "Running around from cave to cave was fun for a while, but now I'm getting older. It's time to settle down with my wives and focus on my video production career again." Bin Laden went on to explain the joy of having four wives: "Having three has been great, but there's just something special about four. Unless you have four wives, I don't think you'd understand."

(Reported by Chuck Sawyer)

Bush Daughters Prepare for Their Turn at Ridding World of Saddam

CRAWFORD, TEXAS (DPI) - First Daughters Jenna and Barbara Bush are hoping their father, President George W. Bush, succeeds in ridding the world of Iraqi President Saddam Hussein so they don't have to. "Saddam got away from Grampa," said Jenna from her off-campus UT apartment, "so now it's up to Daddy. If he can't get him either, then we'll have to deal with him ourselves. That would suck." Barbara expressed similar concerns regarding Al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden. "If bin Laden gets away, then we'll have two bad guys to capture." "Actually," said Jenna, "that might work, 'cause there's two of us, so we could each take one." Added Barbara, "Oh yeah. Cool!"

(Reported by George MacMillan)

Goat Fucker Glad Lent Over

JONESBORO, ARKANSAS (DPI) - Farmer George Nally is relieved that Easter has finally passed so that he can go back to doing what he likes best. As a parishioner of Our Lady of Perpetual Retribution, he took part in religious cleansing for the 40 days of Lent, crediting his strong faith for allowing him to fully appreciate the sacrifices made for him by Jesus. Nally is reportedly happy to return to his simple farming life and his herd of 3 dozen animals, including favorites Tonya, Nancy, Michelle and Kristi.

(Reported by Dave Henry)

Fashion: Summer of the Terrorist

ROME (DPI) - All across Europe and South America, former terrorists are breaking out their old Maoist pajamas, preparing for what many are predicting will be the best "Summer of the Terrorist" on record. While in many hot spots around the globe, insurrection has never gone out of vogue and the makers of mayhem have retained their stylish militia duds, not so much on mainstream catwalks, where insurgence fashion had fallen largely out of style. But with recent attacks by Shining Path and the Red Brigade - both groups which had their heyday in the 1970's - all the world's international lawless are abuzz with the possibility for retro-terrorist fashion.

(Reported by Davejames)

English Lit Undergrad Most Certainly One with Whom One Should Not Fuck

BERKELEY, CALIFORNIA (DPI) - Sir! Desist! I should not have believed I would live so long as to see a jackanapes such as your wretched self so misguided as to presume to beleaguer me. Hie thee from my sight, before I am compelled to open a substantial can of whoop-ass upon you. I nearly yearn to be less a gentleman, for, if that were so, be assured you would now be sporting a superfluous anus violently inflicted upon your pallid flesh at my hands. Presume upon my tender mercies no longer, guttersnipe.

(Reported by Joseph Moore)

This Is CNN

MINNEAPOLIS (DPI) - This is CNN. No, wait, this is *not* CNN. Shit, I always fuck that up.

(Reported by Mark Niebuhr)

Florida Prohibits Gay Couples from Adopting Highways

Tourist Asks Amish Man Where He Bought His Adorable Hat

Firestone Points to Manufacturer in Ford Explodero Accidents

Mini-Skirts Shown to Temporarily Cure Erectile Dysfunction

Found Canadian Penny Brings Only 65% Normal Amount of Luck

Poundstone Petitions Vatican to Allow Female Clergy

Britain's Queen Mum Dead at 135 or So

"Ding!" Passe, Say Proponents of "Ping!"

Evil Leftovers Foiled Again

More headlines

Cartoon Characters Accuse Priest of Molestation

The Daily Probe's March Madman Bracket

Guy in Athletic Gear Stumbles on Mall Escalator

MIAMI (DPI) - A pudgy, trollish guy wearing a "Just Do It" t-shirt was seen fumbling awkwardly with the mechanics of an escalator at a Miami shopping mall, witnesses reported Friday. Clad in $150 Nike Shox sneakers, the man witnesses described as "a squat and spongy little turd" barely managed to remain vertical while boarding the device on his way to the second-floor Cinnabon. The piggish little man, visibly sweating from the exertion of carrying a large package from Foot Locker, was last seen heading toward the Fun Factory arcade with "Hold My Beer While I Kiss Your Girlfriend" written across the back of his shirt.

(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)

Fat Alcoholic Perverts Sue Snack, Beer, Porn Companies

WASHINGTON (DPI) - The Society for Obese Americans, Alcoholics Anonymous and Pornography Addicts Associated are suing Coca-Cola, Nabisco, Miller Brewing Company and Vivid Video for labeling products "low-fat," "light," and "soft-core," claiming such terms mislead consumers into thinking the products are less detrimental than they truly are. "I've been drinking Lite beer and eating SnackWells for years now," said drunken, overweight, hairy-palmed coalition Chairperson Cindy Keetings. "But look at this!" she cried, grabbing a handful of flab hanging over her stretch pants. "Does this look like low-fat and light to you?" Keetings then peed herself and passed out in front of the Vivid release Butt Bangers 17.

(Reported by George MacMillan)

Goth Chick Votes for Black and Dark Black for Class Colors

INDIANAPOLIS (DPI) - Indianapolis 12th-grader Andrea "Andrexis" Miller broke with school tradition earlier this week, recommending that her class of graduating seniors adopt class colors of Black and Dark Black. "School is stupid," commented an obviously morose Miller. "Walking around with all these zombie-esque drones and learning lies in class. Besides biology, what's the point?" "She's fucking creepy," commented classmate Eddie Paige. "She should lighten the fuck up. Life's too short, dude! Rock the fuck out! Class of '02 rules!" Miller plans to spend the upcoming summer vacation following the tour of "Love and Roquettes," a local Bauhaus cover band.

(Reported by Mark Ninebark)

  World News
¤ Man Mass-Emails Spam-Reduction Plan
¤ bin Laden Sighted at Atlanta Home Depot
¤ Scientists Verify "Less Is More" Theory, with the Exception of Tits and Dongs
¤ Recovering Disco Addicts Suffer from Post-Traumatic Strut Syndrome
¤ "Agoraphobia for Dummies" Internet Sales Outpacing In-Store Sales

  Domestic News
¤ Hallmark Unveils New "Sorry About That Molestation" Line
¤ "Mayor McGristle" to Push McRib Sandwich
¤ Madden 2002 Champion Dies of Heart Attack During Flag Football
¤ Image of Virgin Mary Appears Before Senate Armed Services Committee
¤ Kool-Aid Man Dead After Crashing Through Load-Bearing Wall
¤ Dildo Manufacturer Expands Into Lucrative Buttplug Market
¤ FOX News to Air "Liberals Make Baby Jesus Cry"
¤ Two Dead in Kirk/Picard Trekkie Turf War

  Local News
¤ "One Ring to Rule Them All!" Altar Joke Fails to Amuse Bride
¤ Proctologist Disturbed by Number of Bouquets Received Each Year
¤ Woman Searches Fonts Trying to Insert Phallic Symbol
¤ Rebellious Teens Form Real Quiet Garage Band
¤ Asparagus-Urine Tops List of Secret Favorite Smells
¤ Convention for Obsessive-Compulsives Delayed Due to Waxy Yellow Build-Up on Floor
¤ Local "Bladder Boy" Embarrassed 30th Day Running
¤ 9 out of 10 Stalkers Agree: You Should Wear Your Red Skirt More Often
¤ Married Man Fills Out Online Personals Application, Then Hits "Cancel"

¤ Pamela Anderson Battling Hepatitis-DD
¤ Redemptive Andrea Yates Drowns All Five Backstreet Boys
¤ The First Rule of FOX Fight Club Is: You Must Be Lame to Be on FOX Fight Club
¤ Louis Rukeyser Finally Has Time for a Fucking Haircut
¤ Poll: 38% of Kansans Believe Halle Berry and Denzel Washington Are Married
¤ Woman Gives Birth to Quadruplet Girls; Playboy to Sue for Custody
¤ Designer Accuses Paltrow of Wearing Dress Upside Down

¤ Yankees Prepare to Unwrap Previously Purchased Championship
¤ Augusta National 17th Hole Sponsored By Knights of the Ku Klux Klan
¤ Williams Sisters Top List of Sports Ménage à Trois Fantasies
¤ Opinion: No Amount Is Too Much to Pay to See Jose Canseco Play Right Field
¤ Shaq Fat

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