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April 8, 2003
Looking for our April Fool's issue prank letter from John Ashcroft?
Right here, dude!

"Chemical Ali" Dead; Coalition Now Hunting "Telemarketing Abdul"

BAGHDAD, Iraq (DPI) - With the apparent death of Ali Hassan al-Majid, the Iraqi commander and Saddam Hussein cousin better known as "Chemical Ali," the U.S.-led coalition has shifted its focus to targets of lesser concern. Next on the list is notorious phone scam artist Abdul bin Shaheen, nicknamed "Telemarketing Abdul," who is believed to be hiding out in the suburbs of northern Baghdad. "One by one, we will hunt down and destroy any threat to America posed by the current Iraqi regime," said U.S. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld. While he refused to give specifics of other potential targets, experts speculate that future targets will include Omar "The Spammer" Mustafa, "Mohammed the Mime" Khalif, and Ahmed el-Debir, often referred to as "the Iraqi Pauly Shore."

(Reported by Brad Osberg and Jim Griffith)

Horrific Industrial Accident Results in Way-Cool Piercing

CITY OF INDUSTRY, Calif. (DPI) - When maintenance technician Alan Beaucraft's attempt to store several hundred pounds of rebar on a catwalk led to its terrifying collapse, he thought his life was over. But a new life was just beginning. "While I was in the hospital, some freaky girl noticed the 6-inch piece of #11 rebar sticking out of my chest and was really impressed," he said. "Now I'm the life of the party." One grudging admirer concurred, saying, "Even my scrotum piercing can't touch that." Doctors predict that Beaucraft will be able to live a normal life until his next dumb-ass move finally kills him.

(Reported by Joseph Moore)

Coalition Troops Uncover Secret Cache of Baldwin Brothers

(Graphic by Kevin Wickart)

U.S. Soldier Plans to Keep Oil Well for Self

MOSUL, Iraq (DPI) - Marine Cpl. Jack Kiley has claimed rights to the oil well known as N4RL in the northern part of Iraq. "I know President Bush is saying all this oil is going to help rebuild Iraq, but I'm here doing the fighting and I say this one is mine," said Kiley. "Hey, get the hell away from my well, reporter boy." He claims he will also help rebuild a portion of Iraq, starting with a 5,000-square-foot "desert love pad" about 500 meters from the well.

(Reported by Mark Schmidt)

Arnett: Decision to Become a Weatherman Was Mine

WICHITA, Kan. (DPI) - Despite NBC's announcement that it had severed ties with Peter Arnett, the veteran war correspondent contends that he left voluntarily to pursue his lifelong dream of becoming a TV weatherman. "I simply felt it was time to pursue my true calling: reporting barometer readings and pollen counts to middle America," said Arnett. "For NBC to say that I was fired is really low. And speaking of 'lows,' a low-pressure system moving in from Nebraska may bring us showers by morning, so make sure you don't leave the cat out tonight." Besides reporting the weather at KRSV-TV, Arnett will also co-host a children's show with a sock puppet.

(Reported by Miles Walker)

Report: Iraq Forcing Female POWs, Spider to Share Jail Cell

BAGHDAD, Iraq (DPI) - American Red Cross workers returning from Baghdad today revealed that Iraqi Republican Guard troops are torturing female U.S. POWs by forcing them to share a cell with a spider. "It was terrible," said Red Cross worker Sandra Haselton. "These poor women were in the same room with one of those little brown ones that I hate." Haselton also said that in exchange for information, the Iraqi tormentors offered the POWs the use of a vacuum cleaner.

(Reported by Miles Walker)

United Reformed Evangelical Foursquare Bible Christian Confuses Islam With Hinduism

"Fun Size" Snickers Bar Downgraded to "Amusing"

Sniffling Nail Technician Pretty Sure She's Got That SARS

Quick Invasion of Baghdad Has Networks Scrambling for Possible Mid-Season Replacements

Confused Madonna Installs Child Bustier Seat

Bob Seger T-Shirt Finally Succumbs to Wear, Tear

Embedded Tick Presents Press Card

Matt Lauer Haircuts All the Rage in Japan

More headlines

Bush/Blair/Chirac ChatRoom Summit Meeting a Failure

Family of Anti-War Activist Longs for Day of His Return

Baby Shower Ends With One-Upping Score of 3-8-4

Mass-Increasing Penis-Enlargement Technique Involves Theory of Relativity

NEW YORK (DPI) - Breakthrough techniques promising to increase penis length and mass will require patients to accelerate to close to the speed of light, according to researchers. "Albert Einstein's Theory of Relativity has previously been confined to the realm of nuclear physics and astronomy," said Ingmar Svenson of the Amazing Natural Penis Size Enlargement Institute. "No one before had thought to apply its precepts to the important science of penis enlargement. Here at the Institute, we realized that as we took our patients close to the speed of light, their penises would appear to increase in length and mass. It's as simple as E=MC squared plus 7 inches."

(Reported by David Kass)

Maple Street Residents Divided on Bottle Rockets

TEANECK, N.J. (DPI) - The Maple Street Residents Association is sharply divided about the possibility of bottle rockets at the Reilly residence. One group of residents said they need to intervene because those bottle rockets, with a range of almost 250 yards, could be used to deliver stink bombs and other weapons of mass annoyance to all corners of the block. According to the Dupantaines, however, there is no real danger and their inspections while walking the dog have so far been successful in proving that. The Andersons have given Mr. Reilly until the end of the week to turn over the bottle rockets or they will request action on the part of the Residents Association.

(Reported by Stuart Johnson)


Threat Condition Increased to New Infrared Level

WASHINGTON (DPI) - Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge moved America from its current orange threat level upward past red to the new higher infrared threat level yesterday, after receiving credible information that Al Qaeda had agents in place who are invisible to the naked eye. "With the war and new information about invisible Al Qaeda operatives, we felt it necessary to move beyond the visible threat condition spectrum into an Infra-Red alert level," said Ridge. "We hope that one day, things will return to a safe normalcy, when we can move to an ultraviolet condition when no threats are detectable and posters will be really cool."

(Reported by Slick Sharkey)

Lawn Care Fanatic Ruining It for Other Guys

TULSA, Okla. (DPI) - Winter has barely loosened its grasp on this sleepy suburban neighborhood, yet Tulsa resident Haste Walker has already begun the yearly lawn-care ritual that is the bane of his less-devoted neighbors. "Haste is good guy and all, but he sure makes the rest of us look bad," said neighbor Ott Rodgers. "Our wives are all 'look at Haste out aerating' this and 'Haste is applying a broad-leaf herbicide' that, when all we want to do is watch a little baseball, maybe have a beer." A secret plan to fertilize Walker's lawn at night so he'd leave it alone during the day collapsed because of a conflict with NASCAR highlights on TV.

(Reported by Joseph Moore)

Whole Legless Thanksgiving Turkey Finally Clears John Madden's Colon

Gen. Franks Orders Use of Force Against NCAA Pool-Buster College Towns

Pfc. Jessica Lynch to Appear in Playboy's "Girls of Operation Iraqi Freedom" Issue
Senate Votes to Sell Only Half of Poor U.S. Children for Fuel
Bear-Feeding Tourist Assumes Sudden Yet Appropriate Place in Food Chain
Gol Durn Ratzen-Fratzen Codger Nearly Cusses
Man Wonders How Turtle Got Into His Underwear
Parasite Council Names Head Louse
Cradle of Civilization Bombed Back to Stone Age

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