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April 11, 2005

UN Nominee Bolton Gains Support of Got Milk? Ad Agency, Wilford Brimley Fan Club

FILF Website Off to Slow Start

VENTURA, Calif. (DPI) -, the newest website kickoff in the porn industry's FILF section, is said to be posting disappointing results in its first full week of operation, says its founder, Carl Vice. "We are offering the best in high-resolution, no-holds-barred spreads of hot dads," says Vice, holding a photo of a rotund, mustachioed model reading a newspaper in nothing but socks, "but it's taking a while to get off the ground." The site features over 50 downloadable exotic photo spreads, including "Fixing a pipe under the bathroom sink," "Watching the game on TV," and "Changing the hall light bulb -- NAKED."

(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)

eBay Capitalizes on Celeb-Lookalike Food Products

San Jose, Calif. (DPI) - Following on the $28,000 sale of a grilled cheese sandwich bearing a likeness of the Virgin Mary, online auction site eBay has established a new "People Protein" category. According to an eBay spokesman, recent sales include $17,500 paid by an anonymous Philippine buyer for a Nutty Buddy bar that had melted into an exact likeness of Janet Jackson's other breast, $11,020 for a tuna hoagie "highly reminiscent" of Fox News commentator Brit Hume and $8,750 for a cup of tea the exact color of Phylicia Rashad. Less expensive items included a turnip in the approximate shape of former UN Secretary-General Dag Hammarskjold that sold for $420 and a pickle bearing the likeness of Jim Nabors for $1.75.

(Reported by J.J. Gertler)

Charles Weds Camilla in Ceremony Nobody Gives a Shit About

Jeb Bush Orders Pope Back on Life Support

Report: Nation's Employment Cutting Into PlayStation Time

Bono Discounts U2 iPods for Darfur Refugees

Shania Twain Feels Like a Woman Despite Male Genitalia

Paris? Paris, Honey? Are You OK?

A guest Probeatorial
by Lars Eisenberg

Dear Ms. Hilton,

It has been well over a month since the last time your name was in the headlines for getting your Sidekick hacked, and about two months since you've actively done something so slutty, insensitive, clueless or braindead as to knock real world events off the news ticker. Are you feeling OK, Paris? It's not like you to keep to yourself like this for so long.

The truth is we in the news and satire industries need you as much as you need our cameras and press coverage -- and we need you now most of all. The American news consumer is pretty much poped out; the recent wave of celebrity deaths is thankfully over; President Bush hasn't done anything bold, new or stupid recently; Robert Blake got acquitted; and Michael Jackson's trial may as well just be a replay of his 1993 court appearances. We're hungry for material, Paris, and your signature high-living party-girl antics are just the sustenance we crave.

Paris, Sweetie, we're counting on you. Your pedigree and photogenia blend with and complement your shamelessness and vapidity like no other star in the celebrity cosmos. Sure, reporters could investigate the Jeff Gannon/Scott McClellan relationship further, but nobody really wants to watch the President's spokesman take it like a dirty girl up the brown port from an ex-Marine on a grainy, night-vision greenscale video. We want to see YOU, Paris... hell, thousands of us have actually paid twenty bucks to see it!

So, Paris, I ask you, if not as a friend then as a parasitic partner in the symbiotic Paris Hilton Publicity Biosphere, please do something soon -- anything! Get tits-over drunk at a charity auction, take the stage, shove the auctioneer's microphone up your vagina and stammer, "NOW how much would you pay?!" at the top of your tanned and pampered lungs. Leave your purse (Tinkerbell included) in a men's room stall at an S&M swinger's club. Ask for a ham on rye with mayo at a B'nai Brith luncheon -- just let us know you're still out there and you still love us. Our love for you will shine as brightly and ubiquitously as ever.

(Transcribed by Carl Knorr)

The Daily Probe Poll

With a battle looming over President Bush's judicial nominees and GOP criticism of the judges involved in the Terri Schiavo case, the Daily Probe asked its readers their feelings about the judiciary:

What is the proper role of judges?

Resolving factual disputes and applying the law - 56%
Enforcing traditional moral values - 23%
Raising puppies under their robes - 18%

What should be the primary guide for judicial decisions?

The Constitution and codified laws - 48%
The will of Congress - 26%
Law & Order reruns - 21%

Who is the most respected judge today?

Justice Sandra Day O'Connor - 57%
Judge Judy - 31%
Judge Reinhold - 7%

President Bush's judicial nominees should be:

Approved out of deference to the president - 20%
Rejected as too ideologically extreme - 33%
Allowed to shoot people like Judge Dredd - 49%

(Reported by Slick Sharkey)

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