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April 15, 2003

Fewer High School Students See Selves as Future Despots

LOS ANGELES (DPI) - A recent survey of high school guidance counselors found that more students are opting for white-collar vocations by way of college and dramatically fewer for occupations such as murderous despot. "We're pretty sure it's this Iraq thing," said counselor Nora Elliot. "What once looked like a lifetime of stable employment and rich benefits now seems to be otherwise." According to one student, the "dying holed up in a feces- and urine-filled bunker" is the turnoff, although massive military parades and shiny uniform medals are "way cool."

(Reported by Davejames)

"Missile in the Groin" Clip Wins on Iraq's Funniest Home Videos

(Graphic by Kevin Wickart)

Report: Rumsfeld "Angers Up" for Briefings

WASHINGTON (DPI) - Feeling he's at his sharpest when angry, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld won't come out to news briefings until he is "properly angered up," an aide revealed yesterday. To keep his irritation levels high, Rumsfeld uses a host of angering exercises, including watching Barbra Streisand's appearance on Rosie O'Donnell's old show, and placing crushed glass in his underwear. Although doctors have warned Rumsfeld of potential hypertension, he actually relishes the idea, reportedly in the belief that a "good throbbing vein in the forehead" helps keep reporters' stupidity to a minimum.

(Reported by Davejames)

Christopher Reeve to Star in Movie About Paralyzed Guy

HOLLYWOOD (DPI) - In a move that surprised the movie industry, actor Christopher Reeve has signed on to portray a paralyzed guy in a new movie. "I was really torn, because I was also thinking about doing a different script, one about Olympic speed skater Dan Jansen," said Reeve. "But instead, I opted to do this movie about a quadriplegic." The 50-year-old actor said he trusted his gut feeling. " I guess the character's story just really spoke to me on some visceral, intuitive level," he said.

(Reported by Miles Walker)

Iraqis to Learn Western Looting Techniques

BAGHDAD, Iraq (DPI)- Special looting advisers from Los Angeles and Detroit were flown into Baghdad today to help the Iraqi people focus their haphazard and unprofitable pilfering, an unnamed source revealed. The advisers, veterans of the Detroit Pistons and Los Angeles Lakers basketball championships, were said to be dismayed by what they called "Third Worldish and amateur" mayhem. "I saw people running past electronics stores to get to bakeries and markets," said adviser Mark Felham. "They're not thinking long-term. The Red Cross is going to hand out food and water soon, but no aid worker's going to wheel a 57-inch big screen into your house."

(Reported by Davejames)

You Have Herpes

YOUR HMO (DPI) - According to doctors from your local HMO, you have herpes. "The research has finally come back from the lab in Arizona and the urine and sperm samples clearly show that you have a mild case of herpes," your doctor said. Your doctor has been unable to determine exactly how long you've had the disease, but noticed the disease was present by a series of lesions and swollen lymph nodes near the genital area. Because of the undetermined amount of time, doctors are also unable to determine a source of the disease. "Dude, it could be that Hooters waitress that you scored with last year -- you know those chicks are easy," your best friend said.

(Reported by Danny Gallagher)

Amateur Suicide Bomber Strikes Again

Saddam's Paper Boy Looks to U.S. for Payment

Jubilant Mistresses Dance on Saddam's Dildo

Hollywood Returns to Yammering About Tibet

Chunky Black POW Freed; No Plans for TV-Movie

Iraqi Card Trade Snafu Results in All-Out Search for Pikachu

Retired Military Analysts Stage Coup at CNN

SARS Traced to Icky Office Break Room Sponge

Robin Williams Recovering From Emergency Back-Shave

Revolution Televised

More headlines

Josh Groban CD Provides Housewife with Music, Orgasms

Author's Life's Work Priced Less Than Blank Book

Iraq: Saddam in Outer Space

Dizzying Array of Peace Protests Stymies Activist

PORTLAND, Maine (DPI) - Veteran war protester Gaea Jonssen-Barrows is one of a growing number of peace activists struggling to find their place in an era of increasing demonstration diversity. "In the '60s, you made your 'no war' sign, maybe you took over a dean's office and sat around chained to a desk for a couple of days," said Jonssen-Barrows, 53, an assistant professor of women's studies. "These days, though, besides your plain-vanilla peace protests, you've got your anti-war/pro-troops demonstrators, your veterans against violence, your 'love the Iraqis, not their leaders' faction, your Jews for Muslims, your Women for a Nonviolent Military, you name it." She sat on a curb near a stack of "Saddam, please leave" signs to catch her breath. "I just don't know where I fit anymore. Activism is a young woman's game."

(Reported by Peg Warner)

Chirac, Schroeder, Putin Discuss Post-War Iraq at Weekend Summit

(Graphic by Kevin Wickart and Jeff Rabinowitz)

Long-Lost Lyrics to Hawaii Five-0 Discovered

HONOLULU (DPI) - The little-known lyrics to the theme song from the popular '60s television show Hawaii Five-0 have been located in a box of old scripts in the home of the late Jack Lord. Television historians raved over the discovery, saying the long-lost words to the famous theme would only immortalize the show further in history. According to the handwritten note, the lyrics are as follows: "It's Hawaii Five-O/gonna catch some crooks/Here's Hawaii Five-O/watch us catch some crooks!/Wow, here's a guy on a surfboard/Hey, there's a hula-dancing girl too/It's Hawaii Five-O/They're all catching crooks!"

(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)

Fat-Fingered Person Has Trouble Typing

STAUNTON, Va. (DPI)- A opreson wuityh klsarfe fdingfers rewcintyluy hasd teroibkle wreiting amn, artickle fdcopr sa iklklocxsal opsarodfryg newas. opsaper dfue to hjis vcikmbrs nghitrting tioo mnanhy kletys.

(Reported by Stuart Johnson)

"Chunks of Saddam" Offered on eBay

Severed Head of Geraldo Rivera Dragged Down Streets of My Dreams
U.S. Soldiers Passing Out Starbucks Coupons, Thongs
Baghdad Suburbanites Awaken to Toppled Saddam Gnomes
Horny Teen Amateur Really None of the Three
U.N. Wants Central Role in Rebuilding Dallas Cowboys
Iraqi Information Minister: Jimmy Kimmel Live a Hit
Chat-Room Posting Whispered in 4-point type

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