CURRENT ISSUE DATE 4/16/02 Front Page Weekly Features Advice from Strangers Ain't That America? To-Do List: Queen Elizabeth Moth's Diary News from Travistan Movie Corner Info Archives Crap Shop Who's at Fault? Contact Us!	Advice from Strangers This week's guest: Foghorn Leghorn Dear Foghorn, I'm a 21-year-old man who has just graduated from college. I just started a new job -- and I have to confess it's driving me crazy! Not only do they expect me to work crazy hours, but they all look down on me because I'm so young! I'm not sure how to cope! Frustrated In Fort Worth Dear FIFW, Well, I say, well don't you look like a frazzled sight! You look like two miles of bad road, son! Now come on over here and listen to me boy, when I'm talkin' to ya. (Nice boy, but he's like a dead horse. No get-up-and-go.) Now you just got to rear yo'self up and take the bull by the horns. Now quit lookin' around, son, there's not really a bull here. (This boy's about as sharp as a pound o' wet liver.) You can't just keep crowin' on about how young you feel and how hard you work. You just gotta start bein' the best boy you can be and show those folks you can do it just as good as them! Now go on, I say, go on boy, an' show 'em what you're made of! Now git! (Nice kid, but he's about as thick as a whale omelette.) Foghorn Dear Foghorn, My dear, I must say, I'm just a mess! I seem to have attracted a gentleman caller, and I simply don't know how to behave! I've never been in this situation before. Have you any tips on appropriate decorum? Shy In Sacramento Dear SIS, Now wait, I say, wait a doggone minute there, girl! ! I'm sure we can make a prize catch out of you! (Yeesh. Gal reminds me of the highway between Dallas and Fort Worth -- no curves.) Now the first thing you got to do is stop dressin' like the ugly stepsister of an 80-year-old librarian. Get yo'self some nice clothes and make yourself up a bit. I say, is any of this sinkin' through that little blue bonnet of yours? OK, good. Now you got to get yo'self into the kitchen and whip up some dee-licious vittles for him, 'cause the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, and you ain't never gonna land yo'self a man if you can't keep him at the trough. Now go on there, sister, and see what you can do! (Girl's about as cold as a nudist on an iceberg.) Foghorn Dear Foghorn, I'm a chicken hawk! That's right, a chicken hawk! And I want to catch me a chicken! Only problem is, I don't know what a chicken looks like. Hey, are you a chicken? Because if you're a chicken, and I'm a chicken hawk, then I'm going to catch you! Because I'm a chicken hawk. Raring To Go in Rochester Dear Boy, Now slow, I say, slow down there just a second, boy, and lemme talk a little sense into ya! (If that boy don't stop talkin' he's gonna sunburn his tongue.) Now I ain't no chicken, but I know where you can find a chicken. Now you see there jus' over yonder, in that little house there? Now just above the door o' that house is a sign that says "D-O-G." Now that spells "chicken," so get on over there and catch yo'self some dinner, boy! What are you waitin' for? Go! Go. Hee hee hee hee! That oughta cause more confusion than a mouse in a burlesque show. Boy's about as smart as a sack o' wet oatmeal. Yum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum doo-dah, doo-dah ! Foghorn (Transcribed by Greg Preece)
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