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DATE 4/16/02

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Mr. T Urges Arafat, Sharon "Quit That Jibber-Jabber"

JERUSALEM (DPI) - In a meeting Monday with both Yasser Arafat and Ariel Sharon, '80s icon and "tough peace" advocate Mr. T called upon the leaders of Israel and Palestine to "quit that jibber-jabber" from the past three weeks.

"Mr. Arafat, listen to me," the gold-bedecked peace envoy said to the besieged Palestinian leader, "Call off these Hamas fools. Put an end to this suicide-bombing bidness, and try to act in the best interests of your people in the Middle East." T, growing more passionate with each sentence, continued, "And listen up: If you keep attacking the peace-loving people in Israel with suicide attacks on holy days, killin' civilians, rest assured that I'll give you some T-size hurtin'. I pity the fool that sanctions the deaths of innocent women and children! You been greasin' your head with battery acid again?"

T's comments were not solely directed at Arafat. Turning his focus to the Israeli leader, T was equally blunt. "Mr. Sharon, I don't want to pity you. I really don't. But if you gonna keep actin' like a crazy fool and invadin' the occupied territories, then I may have no choice. If you keep on pushin' with your armed aggression in the West Bank, suckah, I ain't gonna have no choice but to pity you. And I've had enough of your lip."

T ended on a positive, reaffirming note. "Eat all your greens, now. Remember, I love you. Respect yourself, and others will respect you. But you keep that silliness up and I'll hunt you down, fools," he promised, noting the pain dished out to the ethnic-cleansing armies of Slobodan Milosevic in the late '90s.

(Reported by Greg Preece and Travis Ruetenik, Graphics by Chris White)

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