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April 22, 2003

Peterson Attorney Claims Client "Unquestionably Innocent"

MODESTO, Calif. (DPI) - Attorney Mohammed Saeed al-Smith claims that murder suspect Scott Peterson is "absolutely, unquestionably, 100 percent innocent" of the murder of his wife and unborn child. Al-Smith, a recent immigrant to the United States, was hired by Peterson to represent him in his upcoming trial and says that his client is "as innocent as a puppy in a field of marigolds." Asked about Peterson's chances of an acquittal, al-Smith responded, "The evil opponents are already on the road to defeat. We will season their entrails and grill them on a spit for all innocent people to partake of."

(Reported by Tristan Fabriani)

China Linked to "Sudden Appetite Return Syndrome"

BEIJING (DPI) - A second SARS outbreak, this one a digestive condition called Sudden Appetite Return Syndrome, is also being blamed on the incompetence of current Chinese government. "We admit there have been three cases in the Yunnan province, but that is all," said a Chinese health spokesperson. A Canadian health official countered that claim. "That is a load of crap, literally," said the unidentified official. "Chinese food all over the world is passing through our bowels 20 percent faster than just five years ago." The cost of this problem to the world's citizens is estimated at $85 billion annually, mostly due to large late-night snacks to counter unplanned hunger.

(Reported by Mark Schmidt)

Mother of Snotty Little Bastards Happy to Help You With Parenting

SAN DIEGO (DPI) - Henrietta Clarke, mother of three incorrigible sniveling bastard children, is happy to help you with your new child, the 39-year-old said yesterday. "Just call me anytime if you need advice on child-rearing," said Clarke in a phone conversation last night over the clearly shrieking voice of her youngest child, Alvin, 3. "I know how hard it is to set kids right these days." Clarke, whose oldest child, Gavin, 9, has eaten nothing but Cocoa Puffs for dinner for the last six months, is additionally willing to help you plan shopping, nutrition, and "taking care of other little details of being a first-time mom."

(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)

United States to Solomon Islands: "You Lookin' at Me?"

WASHINGTON (DPI) - George Bush warned the tiny Pacific nation of the Solomon Islands that they better "just watch it," or they could be next on Bush's war plans. Bush recognized that the Solomon Islands joined his "Coalition of the Willing" to topple Iraq, but noted they joined late, as if they really did not mean it. "I know who really wanted in, and who jumped on the bandwagon," Bush said. "Besides, I don't recall seeing any Solomon Islanders volunteering to police Basra, did I? Don't make me come get you, that's all I'm saying. And what's this I hear about French-Polynesian restaurants all over the your islands?"

(Reported by Slick Sharkey)

Autopsy Reveals Atkins Slipped on Slick of Bacon Grease

Erection Exacerbates Nude Beach Sunburn

Retired Military Experts Give Way to Retired Homicide Experts

Plane Carrying 7 POWs Crashes on Uncharted Desert Isle

Chicago Institutes New "Catch-and-Release" Rules for Umpire Season

Substitute Teacher Really Not Kidding This Time

Red Wings Eliminated by Emilio Estevez and Motley Group of Kids

Dozens Fake Gruesome Death in Land Mime Explosion

More headlines

DNA Test Confirms Jesus Son of Bernie

Little Iraqi Cry-Baby Ruins Victory for Everyone

Schwarzkopf: "I could've taken Baghdad, too, if I'd wanted to."

TAMPA, Fla. (DPI) - Speaking from his retirement home in Florida, Gen. Norman Schwarzkopf said yesterday that he could have toppled Saddam Hussein's regime and conquered Iraq if he had wanted to. "If Cheney wanted Saddam gone, all he had to do was ask, you know," said Schwarzkopf. "He was Secretary of Defense, after all. And Powell, the man was my commanding officer. One little 'Take Baghdad, remove Saddam' and it would have been my pleasure. How was I supposed to know that's what they wanted? Nobody asked!" Schwarzkopf also said that he could have defeated the Taliban, Kosovo and the Oakland Raiders, but chose not to.

(Reported by Slick Sharkey)

Cache of Laundry Links Saddam to Terrorists

BAGHDAD, Iraq (DPI) - In some of the clearest evidence to date that Iraq has offered haven to international terrorists, U.S. Special Forces uncovered a large cache of terrorist laundry in suburban Baghdad. "The Iraqi régime was supplying comfort and aid to al-Qaeda by doing their dirty clothes whenever they were in town, and by supplying nice towels -- you know, those really soft thick ones," said an investigator on the scene. Officials believe a massive stash of packaged snack foods provided by Saddam's régime also were intended for terrorists.

(Reported by Joseph Moore)

Navy Guys Getting "Undeserved Tail"

NEW YORK (DPI) - According to the U.S. Army, the U.S. Navy has been unfairly using the war in Iraq to seduce an inappropriate number of women. According to a formal complaint filed with the Department of Defense, "Although the U.S. Navy has performed an adequate job during recent military action, sailors are claiming unfair credit for the actions in Iraq to bed unsuspecting females." The complaint cites specific examples, including: "One woman granted oral favors to a sailor after he said he piloted an aircraft carrier into Baghdad." To prevent such misappropriation of machismo, the Army will apply 'Official Combatant' tatoos to all Army penises.

(Reported by Mark Schmidt)

Boy Not Right

TALLAHASSEE, Fla. (DPI) - Something funny about that local boy Elton Crispus, 8. Maybe his head isn't screwed on all correct. Caught him throwing rocks at cars that one time on Route 18. Boy's teacher says he's dumb as a stump. Yep.

(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)

"More Fun Than a Sack of Kittens" Line Brings Date to Rapid, Uncomfortable Close

Friendly, Sparkly Fairies Fail to Make Full Inbox Disappear Again
NFL Draft Depletes National Suit-Button Strategic Reserve
Child Beaten Out of Insolence, Left-Handedness, Homosexuality
American Airlines Pilot First to Test "Make My Cockpit" Law
Jury Finds Tommy Lee a Loser
Tyson Face Tattoos All the Rage in Japan

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