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DATE 4/23/02

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April 23, 2002

Motivational Speaker Kills Six in Positive, Affirming Manner

GARY, INDIANA (DPI) - Motivational speaker Henry Jacobs killed six attendees and then himself during a self-help workshop he was conducting yesterday afternoon. According to witness Bud Harris, "Henry was helping the group compose personal mission statements when he pulled out a .38 revolver. Some of them pleaded with him not to kill them, but Henry convinced them to 'turn off their victim tapes' and refocused them into a more proactive direction. He made everybody name three reasons why they were worthy of going to heaven. Some of them could only come up with one or two, but Henry really challenged them, by putting the gun to their heads, to come up with three."

(Reported by Miles Walker)

Mister Softee Accused of Cannibalism

RUNNEMEDE, NEW JERSEY (DPI) - Mister Softee, mascot of the Mister Softee franchise organization, was charged by the Department of Justice with criminal cannibalism this week. DOJ officials charge that a man made of ice cream cannot sell ice cream products for consumption. "Imagine if I had a fleet of trucks selling human flesh sandwiches," said one official. From his jail cell, the cone-crowned Softee issued a statement, saying, "If I am guilty of anything, it is bringing frosty joy to untold millions." In 1994 Softee was investigated by the Department of Commerce for an ad campaign promising "swift, creamy doom" to all anthropomorphic frozen-food snacks.

(Reported by George MacMillan)

Drug Firm Unveils Fat-Burning "Metabocrack" Supplement

NEW YORK (DPI) - NarcoLab, Inc., entered the diet-supplement industry this week with its newest product, Metabocrack. Combining thermogenic nutrients ephedra and caffeine with the proven diet drug, crack, Metabocrack promises weight loss without the unpopular non-narcotic effects of other fat-burners. "I've been on Metabocrack for three days now," said Stacy Jennings, scratching nervously at her arms. "I haven't eaten at all, but still have lots of energy. Did you see that giant spider?" NarcoLab founder Ed "Easy D" Douglas says his company is proud to offer such high-quality merchandise. "Those other fat burna's, They be frontin'. They ain't burnin' nothin' but sucka's bank."

(Reported by Mike Keller)

Leno Audience Member Pressured into Hard Laughter

BURBANK (DPI) - Leo Alvarez attended yesterday's taping of The Tonight Show for the musical guest, not the humor, but he learned that laughing was obligatory. "Jay Leno's all right," Alvarez explained, "but his jokes are pretty silly." However he wasn't ready for the peer pressure. "During the monologue I was chuckling politely, but guys around me were like sheep, all cracking up in unison." Those fans then sternly explained that he'd better start laughing or they wouldn't be shown on camera. Alvarez believed he had no choice, "I felt so isolated, so alone, I just starting laughing hard, even though I knew I shouldn't!" He then added tearfully, "I'm such a whore."

(Reported by Mark Schmidt)

Hell to Get New Area Code

HELL (DPI) - Due to the recent population explosion and proliferation of phone-enabled devices, Hell has been assigned a second area code. In keeping with precedents set in Los Angeles and Dallas in recent years, beginning January 1, 2003, all local calls made in Hell will require 10 digit dialing. Hell was the last bastion of abbreviated dialing, with the infamous Beast retaining his 666 number for nearly 2,000 years. The Beast has chosen, this time, to keep his new number unlisted, leading numerologists worldwide to rework all of their charts.

(Reported by Charles Gulledge)

Use of Gibberish Up 12% After 9-11 Attacks

HABERDASHING (DPI) - Flebber nicengil flabben portroy hin negenwaltenfloofer, wain teeten vegen trido plogger sig verty putten lackey egerel. "Foo protnoy loofenwoomer hewd, pobnobber corten laffed noughed loofen nurmel forred poopen nobben goot ved," yockten Goost Hockenlooger snut. Rev farten sig fewp nin bertencraffersox snut hin luggen rep barpen varvenkemper.

(Reported by Danny Gallagher)

Fuzzy Zoeller's Teeth Ground to Nubs

Maniacal Cackling Traced to IRS Audit Facility

Arafat Claims "Ariel" a Girl's Name

Twentysomethings: Who the Fuck Is "Baretta?"

Palestinian High School Guidance Counselor Gets Paid per Martyr

Sammy Sosa Wins "Affable Big Lunk" Award from Fans of Affable Big Lunks

Thor Heyerdahl Set Afloat, Ablaze

More headlines

Daily Probe Special Report:
Little Rascals Become Repeat Offenders

Dead Cat Pees from Beyond the Grave

Bush Calls Alaska Drilling Cure for Terrorism, Cancer, Waxy Yellow Build-Up

WASHINGTON (DPI) - President Bush called for drilling in the Alaska Natural Wildlife Refuge to reduce dependence on Mid-East oil, to provide new cancer cures, and to reduce unsightly wax build-up. Bush declared, "In 10 years, we'll have oil, but right away the steel rigs so close to the North Pole will create magnetic resonance fields which will cure cancer." Bush also described how vibrations resulting from the drilling will shake loose wax residue common in many household cleaners. "How many times have you cleaned your kitchen only to see unwanted wax smudges?" Bush asked. "With new Alaskan oil drilling, waxy build-up is a thing of the past."

(Reported by Slick Sharkey)

Subsistence Culture Honored Through Shopping Mall Display

ALBANY, NEW YORK (DPI) - The grinding daily life of the Iroquois Indian tribes, peoples whose heritage includes basic agriculture, hunting and living in tents, is being celebrated this week through a display in an upscale New York shopping mall. Located in the center court of Albany's Stuyvesant Plaza near Talbot's and Baby Gap, the display educates shoppers about the stone tools used by early American peoples to carve the carcasses of animals and build simple shelters. "I've got a suede jacket that looks totally like that cute deerskin wrap," said 16-year-old Emily Kress, sipping an Orange Julius, "But I would never, like, use my own teeth to soften the material. That's gross."

(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)

Discussion of '80s Television Brings Corporate Productivity to a Halt

CHICAGO (DPI) - Electronics giant Motorola shocked investors today by announcing a profit warning, specifying "the slow global economy" and an "internal discussion related to 1980s television" as the reasons for its poor financial performance. "It all started when someone accidentally included a list of their favorite television shows from the '80s in an internal email," explained John Grove, VP of Internal Communication, "and very quickly the email spread like a virus, as debates and discussions consumed vast amounts of time and even network resources." At this time various tribes are forming within Motorola, and physical altercations between "The Coaches" and "The Woodys" are becoming commonplace.

(Reported by Mark Schmidt)

  World News
¤ Pope Raps American Cardinals Repeatedly Across Knuckles with Ruler
¤ Secretary Powell THIS Close to Shaking Someone Silly
¤ "Martyr" Arabic for "Sucker"

  Domestic News
¤ Daily Probe Criticized for Excessive Goddamn Fucking Swearing
¤ Marv Albert Saved by Crash-Protective Hairpiece
¤ Bin Laden Sighted at Albany Garage Sale

  Local News
¤ Wife Not Told About Giant Cockroach Under Stove
¤ Cafeteria Creamed Spinach Rich with Adolescent Jizz Jokes

¤ Robert Blake Regrets Trading Virginity for a Carton of Smokes
¤ Ringo Starr Now Milking Fame with a Breast Pump
¤ "Sleep-walking" Peter Buck Urinates on Fellow Amtrak Passenger
¤ Morrissey Inspires 10,000th Suicide

¤ Grandpa Relates: "That Tiger Boy Sure Can Golf!"
¤ Poll: Baseball More Tiresome than Wearisome
¤ Hijacked Boston Marathoner Crashes into Parked Car
¤ Vicious Forechecking Linked to Latent Frotteurism
¤ Progress Made on Shaq Decoder
¤ Red Wings Suck

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