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April 25, 2005

Arena League Player Dies from Tackle, Legitimizes Arena League

LOS ANGELES (DPI) Defensive Lineman Al Lucas died recently from a spinal cord injury sustained while attempting a tackle during a game for the Arena Football League's Los Angeles Avengers. While mourning the unfortunate passing of Lucas, many Arena League players somberly rejoiced in the fact that a player death legitimizes Arena football as a real sport. Lucas's Avengers teammate Ross Philcox summarized the mixed emotions currently coursing through the league. "Al, we'll miss you as a teammate and a friend, and we'll all keep your family in our hearts during these tragic days but woo- hoo! Somebody frickin' died playing Arena League Football, baby! We're all tough sons-of-bitches now! Al, thanks to you, the Arena League is as real as NASCAR!" To test the Arena League's new- found legitimacy, Philcox challenged "any of those golfers or pro bowling pussies" to a steel-cage wrestling match.

(Reported by Carl Knorr)

Bolton's Management Style Included Wedgies, Titty Twisters

WASHINGTON (DPI) More allegations of questionable behavior have surfaced concerning embattled UN nominee John Bolton. Lloyd Mimmling, a low-ranking government official, said he had several confrontations with Mr. Bolton when both worked at the State Department. "He would typically sneak up behind me, flick my ears and give me an atomic wedgie. Once, while I was taking care of my business in the restroom, he set the stall I was occupying on fire." Mr. Mimmling said even though the harassment was physical, it wasn't sexual. "Unless you count the time he brought me to my knees with a double titty twister and beat me unconscious with a twelve-inch rubber dildo," Mimmling added.

(Reported by Dan Burt)

Important Non-Pope Stuff Happening, Nobody Gives Flaming Damn

YOUR HOUSE (DPI) The following is a brief list of things that flew right over your Pope-obsessed head last week which may have a direct effect on your life: That message on your phone machine? That's the bank regarding imminent foreclosure on your house. Where's your spouse? Your neighbor will tell you, assuming her mouth isn't too full to respond. Since you forgot to feed the cat, she helped herself to that $80 goldfish your daughter loved so much. (Which reminds me, your daughter spent Friday night with Big Bob and Rad Z, so the new Pope's ruling on abortion may affect you directly after all. Forget I said anything.)

(Reported by Carl Knorr)

Consumers Reject New Pope, Classic Pope to Be Reintroduced

Presidential Motorcade Diverted on Threat of Press Interviews

MILF Flattered but Would Prefer Bubble Bath, Nap

RNC Donates 100,000 Keep Right Signs for U.S. Highways

Promotion to French Fry Station Leaves Teen Curiously Unfulfilled

President Bush Cancels Smoky Mountain Earth Day Visit

WASHINGTON (DPI) "Earth Day. Right. Who am I kidding?"

(Reported by Davejames)

A Leukemia Moment
With Tom Snyder

As I'm sure you've heard by now, the old Snyder-man has the big L. Lemme tell you, that was a bit of a shock. Maybe working in broadcasting all these years has zapped me with too many microwaves or something. Hey, wouldn't that beat all? Because, and this is true, I don't even use a microwave oven or, as we called it in the golden age, a "radar range." I never understood that, because I don't think microwaves use radar. I mean, the only thing you can find with one of those contraptions is the burrito you're heating up. Am I right?

Speaking of Radar, this whole deal reminds me of an interview I did with Gary Burghoff way back when. It was around the time he quit M*A*S*H, and he'd just been on Carson the night before. What are the odds of this happening? Two late night legends -- well, one legend and one also-ran -- and we both get cancer in the same year. If I were in Letterman's shoes, I'd be making a doctor's appointment right about now. Watch, Ed McMahon is gonna wind up with hemorrhoids or something now. I kid because I love, Ed.

So where was I? Oh, Gary Burghoff. Did you know that he's a wildlife artist now? Hand to God. I've got one of his paintings, and when I have people over, I like to point at it and say "Hey, look at my new Burghoff!" Me and the missus laugh because invariably, people have no idea what I'm talking about.

So, back to ol' Radar, I remember... Well isn't this the damndest thing? A big chunk of my hair just fell clean out! Ha! Anyway, what was I talking about again? I tell you, when you get to be ol' Tom's age, sometimes you just completely forget things. Hey, maybe I can milk this just like that Michael J. Fox character milks his disease- thing. I'm telling you, that kid is gonna be a huge star. Hey, would you look at that! I can see this really bright light ahead of me. Well, that's either the Big Guy or an MRI machine. Well, here's hoping for the latter, huh? So good night, God bless, and, oh drat, what was I saying again?

(Transcribed by Greg Preece)

Notable quotes from this week's news:

"I would think leaving behind the name 'Ratzinger.'"

- Archbishop Sean Brady speculating on the greatest joy of the Pope

"I'd blame that terrible Michael. He may have nothing at all to do with the man, but he ruined it for all other Boltons who came after no matter what they do for a living."

- Senator George V. Voinovich on the wavering support of John Bolton's UN ambassador confirmation

"To my great dismay, my boner pops to the right."

- An unnamed liberal college student commenting on a certain picture of Ann Coulter in the latest Time Magazine

"You take long, nightly hot showers and you dry off with special towels woven of money. Oh, that, and the fact he's innocent, of course."

- Attorney Robert Sanger of defending Michael Jackson

"Virgin Mary? Really? That's what these crowds are about? Take a really good look. I'm here because it looks like a giant vagina."

- A homeless man gazing upon what people believe to be an image of the Virgin Mary under a freeway underpass in Chicago

"Realistically, change our name to 'Republicanns' with two 'n's' and hope the Red States don't catch it."

- House Minority Leader Rep. Nancy Pelosi speculating on how to win back Congress and the White House

"Ghost of Christmas Future, of course."

- Federal Reserve chief Alan Greenspan on his plans when he eventually retires

(Compiled by Davejames)

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