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April 27, 2005

Ford Unveils Giant Hybrid SUV

DEARBORN, MI (DPI) - Seeking to shed an image of wasteful energy use, Ford Motor Company today took the wraps off its largest hybrid vehicle ever, the Excursion GHT. Built with existing technology, the nearly five-ton vehicle is a standard F-350 Super Duty Excursion with the remains of a Honda Insight crushed into its massive grille. "We know enthusiasts everywhere could make this themselves," commented company CEO William Clay Ford. "This way, there's a lot less insurance hassle and screaming."

(Reported by JJ Gertler)

O Magazine Salutes 5 Years With Surprise Covergirl

CHICAGO (DPI) Amy Gross, editor-in-chief of O, the Oprah Magazine, made a highly anticipated appearance on ABC's The View on Tuesday to discuss the difficult task of selecting a covergirl for the magazine's fifth anniversary issue. Gross revealed that she agonized for weeks before concluding that talk show-mogul Oprah Winfrey should grace the landmark 55th issue. Oprah's appearance on all 54 prior covers and her role as the magazine's owner and publisher did not color Gross' decision. "There's a genuine need for more pictures of Oprah pretending to do stuff -- from merrily riding a borrowed bicycle to roughhousing with her rented Labs," said Gross. Subscribers like Barbara Thoms seem to enjoy gazing on Oprah's visage each month. "How many more of these do I have to recycle before Oprah gives me a Pontiac?" asked Thoms.

(Reported by Dallas Davidson)

FDA Report: Lucky Charms Not Magically Delicious

WASHINGTON (DPI) - After exhaustive tests, FDA scientists have concluded that Lucky Charms cereal is not magically delicious. The FDA ruling means that General Mills must refrain from making that claim in future advertising. General Mills spokesperson Lucky the Leprechaun called the ruling unfair. "So after forty years you're going to believe a group of scuttered scientists? Why don't they look into Grape-Nuts instead? I mean, what the fuck are those? But no, they're always after me Lucky Charms."

(Reported by Dan Burt)

Bush and Saudi Prince Abdullah "Just Friends"

Frist Ready to Ban Democrats From Senate Prom

Wait, Did Something Happen to Pope JP2?

Doctors: Garciaparra Unable to Grab, Scratch in Dugout Ever Again

Loggins and Messina to Suck Again Live

I Wonder If I'm Really Being
a Good Dad to My Sea-Monkeys

A guest Probeatorial
by Travis Ruetenik

It's a big responsibility when you finally take the plunge and buy a set of Sea-Monkeys. I like to think I was prepared and responsible -- I even cleaned out the plastic mini-aquarium with tap water and waited 24 hours to let the Water Purifier (Packet 1) fully dissolve. Yet, as I sit here watching my little pets squiggle about, I look back on the care I've given them over these past five weeks and wonder if I could have been a better dad to them. Of course, I aerated the water every 24 hours by pouring it back and forth into a clean cup, especially in those cute first days. They were so tiny -- I was afraid I would leave some behind, stuck in the back corner of the Instant Life packet (Packet 2). How they've grown since then! I see them flagellating their little fins, drawing in oxygen and algae from the water, but when they swim happily past the bubble viewers, I still wonder: Am I really giving them the best life I can? I saw the Amazing Live Sea-Monkeys Explor-a-Sub at Toys-R-Us, but I didn't think they needed a fancy built-in Million-Bubble Water Oxygenator or neon rings for the "underwater light show." I just hoped that they would think I was a good dad for providing them with a little indirect sunlight, Growth Food (Packet 3) and a father's love.

Tuesday, 26th April

The widespread approval of a cat-shooting resolution in Wisconsin raised my spirits, which had been residing down amongst the dusty barrels of amontillado in the cellar lately. Not since Waugh & Sykes pioneered pigeon-kicking in Italy's piazzas in the last century has there been such a major advance in human/animal relations. We are vastly outnumbered by cats and some of these creatures would love, with the help of their minions at PETA and the World Bank, to crush us under their admittedly weightless and furry heels and make us into their slaves to toil -- without pay or dignity -- to build pyramids to house their hairballs, to dump the commercial fish haul onto the docks and simply walk away, and to constantly make a lap for them to jump into and be worshipped therefrom. I won't even begin to contemplate the whispered-about idea of Booda Box Temples and forcing our women to dance cat pantomimes inside them, as they are already said to do in Bali. So shoot them, I say, and reverse the inevitable tide of tyranny! I myself have found the practice of cat-shooting rewarding and instructive, as well as extremely good sport. But why do so many refuse to face the reality of the oncoming menace? We are a slim millenium away from a time where returning astronauts from the Milky Way Project will be the only humans left on the planet. Take your stinking pussy off me, you damn dirty cat!

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