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April 29, 2003

Good Scott Peterson Pleads Innocent, Blames Evil Scott Peterson

MODESTO, Calif. (DPI) - The good Scott Peterson pleaded not guilty to murder charges, alleging that an evil Scott Peterson broke through dimensional barriers and committed the crime. Good Scott claimed that storm conditions on Christmas Eve allowed Evil Scott to leave his alternate universe and commit the heinous crimes in this universe. Good Scott's parents stated that Good Scott had never murdered his wife and unborn child before, but it's just the sort of thing Evil Scott would do. Good Scott explained that he and Evil Scott cannot appear in court at the same time, to convince authorities of his story, because this would cause both universes to wink out of existence.

(Reported by Slick Sharkey)

Damon Concerned About Affleck's Repeated Fucking of J.Lo

LOS ANGELES (DPI) - Actor Matt Damon this week expressed concern that his friend and fellow actor Ben Affleck has in recent weeks opted not to hang out with his old friends, preferring instead to spend his time repeatedly fucking actor/singer Jennifer Lopez. "All Ben ever thinks about is humping J.Lo," said Damon. "He used to be one of the guys, but now we can't even get him to meet us for a beer. If he's not fucking J.Lo several times a day, he gets depressed." Affleck denied that he's forgotten his friends, saying, "Come on, I'm fucking Jennifer Lopez! Cut me some slack."

(Reported by Tristan Fabriani)

U.S. Finds Tupperware Used to Store Anthrax, or Possibly Cereal

BAGHDAD, Iraq (DPI) - U.S. military officials have discovered several Tupperware containers in one of Saddam Hussein's palaces, which an Army spokesman said "are just the sort of containers which could have stored anthrax or breakfast cereal." "The containers had a bottom, four sides, as well as, and this is very important, lids," said Gen. Tommy Franks. "Just the sort of self-contained storage units in which Saddam could have placed any sort of chemical or biological weapon or dry goods." Officials also found several cars which could have been used to transport the containers, and hoses which could have been used to wash the cars.

(Reported by Slick Sharkey)

Iraqis Stuck With Frequent Torture Points

BAGHDAD, Iraq (DPI) - With Saddam Hussein's regime out of power, thousands of Iraqi have found themselves holding Frequent Torture Points, now unredeemable. The points collected by citizens who turned in "treasonous" neighbors, or civil servants who actually carried out the torture, could be collected and turned in for various luxury prizes, such as food, water or color TVs. Iraqi Khalid Al-Jumail was typical of the distraught Torture holders. "Not only do I not get a home entertainment system for turning in my parents and all my cousins, but you can't even find a good place to loot one anymore," he said.

(Reported by Davejames)

Americans Explain Democracy, Infield Fly Rule to Liberated Iraqis

BAGHDAD, Iraq (DPI) - In the first of many small steps toward creating a freedom-loving democracy in Iraq, American GIs explained democracy and the infield fly rule to baffled Iraqis. "I can see the wisdom in a tripartite government and I'm all for a constitution limiting leaders' powers," said Ahmed al-Ani. "But you're telling me if I pop up with a man on first, I'm out even if the infielder drops the ball? What kind of craziness are you Americans trying to impose on us?" Chastened officials announced that introducing the designated hitter into Iraq has been postponed indefinitely.

(Reported by Ishmael Alighieri)

Senator Apologizes for Anti-Gay Remarks

WASHINGTON (DPI) - Sen. Rick Santorum repeated his apology yesterday for recent remarks equating homosexuality with incest, bigamy and adultery. "I want to make it clear that I do not condemn homosexuals, but rather the very idea of a man meeting another man in a bar or nightclub, chatting with him and casually touching his arm, a quick glance and a nervous laugh, going back to an apartment and slowly undressing, exposing their muscular builds and inching closer," said Santorum. Santorum plans to travel to several nightspots in the coming weeks to apologize in person to DC-area homosexuals over foie gras and Chardonnay.

(Reported by Mark Niebuhr)

China Admits Mao Dead

Tinkerbell, Unidentified Green-Clad Youth Dead in Pixie Dust OD

Heston: You Can Have My ... Something ... When You Pry It From My ... Something Something Soup

U.S. Plans to Have All-Natural Penis Enlargement by 2006

Bush Finds Administration Job for Remaining Black Republican

U.S. Captures Tariq Aziz, Seeks Uday for Inside Straight

Naked Dixie Chicks Ashamed Their Fans Are Suddenly Masturbating So Much

Toronto Mayor Wants to Put YOU in a Pre-Owned Car TODAY

More headlines

Winning Poker Night With Iraqi Cards Deemed "Un-American"

Ecstatic Pro-U.S. Crowd Welcomes Supply Ship Home from Maldives

Hit Man Feels Unappreciated for Charity Kills

NEW YORK (DPI) - Mafia Hit Man Anthony "Meathook" Tigliana has long given something back to society in the form of unsolicited, free hits for charity. But Tigliana is frustrated by the lack of appreciation, even negative response, he gets for his acts. "If I overhear someone saying they could 'just kill' their boss, sometimes I'll follow them to work and throw their boss out of a 30-story window, say. It's what I'm good at," said Tigliana. "I'm just a giving kind of guy. But instead of thanks, all I get is an earful of crazy unappreciative talk. Sometimes I end up offing that person out of frustration. Shee."

(Reported by Davejames)


David Beckham Kicks Michael Jordan's Ass

LONDON (DPI) - In an event with implications to both Anglo-American relations and drunken pub debates for years to come, British star footballer David Beckham kicked Michael Jordan's ass today in a street confrontation in London. The Manchester United midfielder beat the vacationing Jordan up and down, left, right and center in an unprovoked attack near Trafalgar Square. A crowd of pub patrons stood by, cheering. "How's that then, ya Yankee wankers?" blurted drunken student Harold Watters, 26. "Beckham could take 'em any day of the week, any time, anywhere," confirmed drunken cab driver Liam Albertson, 38.

(Reported by Joseph Moore and Travis Ruetenik)

Lucky Underwear Unpopular, Stinky

BISMARCK, N.D. (DPI) - Craig Elwood received verbal and written warning from his employer Thursday when he refused to do something about "smelling like turds" for the past week. When asked if there was a reason for the hygiene lapse, Elwood declared that like many sports stars, he was somewhat superstitious, and he refuses to remove his lucky underwear now that his fantasy baseball team is in first place. "I was wearing these bad boys when my team, the Mighty Geese, shot right past Marv's team, the Green Sox," said Elwood. "I've never been in first place, and there's no way I'm changing my underwear. Human Resources can kiss my stinky ass."

(Reported by Jody LaFerriere)

Curlers Prepare to Curl at 2006 Winter Games

TURIN, Italy (DPI) - With the games still three long years away, fierce curling competitions are already starting to heat up worldwide. Denmark has opened a high-security curling research and development center and is expected to reveal a new curling broom, which they claim will "revolutionize the way we curl." There are also two rising curling stars in Canada, who expect to face each other in hotly contested curling matches for the chance to compete for curling gold. Despite ruin and economic hardship, Iraq is also catching curling fever and expected to have a curling team furnished by the Iraqi National Congress.

(Reported by Stuart Johnson)

Keiko The Killer Whale Legally Changes Name To Keiko The Belly Rub-Loving Whale

Man Throws Out Back in Good Luck Penny-Pickup
72% of Americans Don't Know Who Lt. Gen. Jay Garner Is, Including Me
OB-GYN Study: White Slacks Trigger Unexpected Menstruation
Substitute Teacher Really Not Kidding This Time
Watch Salesman Shopping for Young Woman Shopping for Watch
PETA Prez Pukes on Piece of Puma Primavera
Thrill-Seeker Invests in Stocks While Bungee-Jumping
Bee Weds Wasp, Parents Pissed

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