The Top 5 List The Daily Probe Ruminations Save Martha Stewart!


DATE 4/30/02

Front Page


Advice from Strangers

Ain't That America?

To-Do List:
The Pope

Moth's Diary

News from

Movie Corner


Crap Shop
Who's at Fault?
Contact Us!

Lineup Set for "Geezerpalooza" Tour

LOS ANGELES (DPI) - David Lee Roth, '80s sexual icon and former lead singer of Van Halen, is launching Geezerpalooza, a touring rock music extravaganza featuring key acts from decades past. "We need to re-introduce today's youth to Spandex and hot, sexual lead singers," said the now-creepy frontman. "Boy bands are like eunuchs compared to Rod Stewart, Keith Richards, Gene Simmons and the other symbols of raw sexual energy that we had years ago."

Elton John agreed to tour without his hairpiece after the others refused to budge on the issue. "No cheating," said singer Rod Stewart, "Only those of us with our original hair are allowed to flaunt it. Sorry, Reg."

According to Roth, Michael Jackson asked to join the tour but was turned down. "That fucker is creepy. Listen, man, we may be getting older, but most of use can still attract the occasional toothless groupie. The last thing we need is to bring Mike along to frighten them off."

Promoters claim the logistics of the tour will be "a nightmare," saying the tour requires 250 oxygen tanks, 500 cases of Ensure and Metamucil, and 50 barrels of Centrum Silver. Adding to the problem is the hassle of transporting David Crosby's mobile sperm bank.

The rest of the lineup:

Rod Stewart

Keith Richards

Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young

The Moody Blues

Paul Stanley & Gene Simmons

Pete Townshend

(Reported by Chris White and Jody LaFerriere)

The Daily Probe is updated every Tuesday
or whenever we damn well feel like it.

Copyright 2001-2004 / All Rights Reserved
No use allowed without prior permission.