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May 6, 2003

GOP Denies Bush Stuffed Cucumber into Pilot Jumpsuit

WASHINGTON (DPI) - As President Bush stepped out of a Navy jet onto the deck of the aircraft carrier U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln this week, reporters were impressed to see him wearing a full pilot's uniform, including helmet, boots and jumpsuit. But they were even more impressed by the size of the "pilot" that the president was packing in his pants. Democrats on Capitol Hill were quick to criticize the size of the president's package, claiming that his unit had been "enhanced" with strategically placed fresh produce. Republican leadership denied the allegations, claiming instead that "they do everything bigger in Texas."

(Reported by Miles Walker)

Rural Iraqis Told of End of Regime, Fall of Babylon

TIGRIS RIVER VALLEY (DPI) - Several nomadic Bedouin tribes in rural Iraq were shocked and amazed to learn from U.S. servicemen of the fall of Saddam Hussein, as well as the defeat of Hammurabi, Great King of Babylonia, who united Mesopotamia in 1768 B.C. "Great is the news brought to us by these friendly messengers of the gods," said a salt merchant who refused to have his name recorded except in cuneiform, using sharpened reed upon clay tablet. "Perhaps now we shall enjoy an era of peace much like that of Akkadian King Sargon I when he first conquered the city-states of Sumer. Those were the days."

(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)

Satellite Falls Harmlessly Into Africa

WASHINGTON (DPI) - Amid fears of many countries around the world this week, the uncontrolled re-entry of a 1.5-ton Italian satellite has resulted in its harmless crash somewhere in Africa. "We were very relieved," said an unnamed spokesman. "We were initially afraid that it would hit Brazil or Columbia -- that would have been a nightmare. When we heard it hit in Africa somewhere, maybe near the coast or something, that was almost as good as if it had just hit in the ocean. I think we can all breathe a big sigh of relief." The president of Africa was apparently unavailable for comment.

(Reported by Mark Niebuhr)

Community Wading Pool 22% Pee

FT. LAUDERDALE, Fla. (DPI) - The foot-deep kiddie pool at Fort Lauderdale's Palmetto Estates subdivision clubhouse is nearly a quarter pee, environmentalists said this week. "Not surprising with the number of pee-squirting little kids in there every Saturday," said community custodian Manuel Hernandez, cordoning off the area with yellow tape. "I'm surprised it doesn't overflow Hell, I've pissed in there myself." The wading pool is expected to be closed to the public indefinitely while Hernandez drains, scrubs and hoses down all of the tinkle-vessel's surfaces and has laboratory tests done to determine the fecal content of a dark smudge near the drain.

(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)

Destruction of World Tied to Lunch Money Incident

WASHINGTON (DPI) - Authorities have traced the upcoming destruction of the world to that time you pounded the lunch money out of that nerd back in sixth grade. Dr. Elliot Deloit, known at the time as "Smelliot," has nurtured his impotent rage until it blossomed into a psychopathic desire to destroy all life on the planet. Unfortunately, in the shy and stuttering Deloit the perfect storm of a 200 IQ, emotionally abusive mother and access to advanced technology converged, giving him the tools needed to make his hellish dream a reality. So, thanks a lot, asshole. You're going to get us all killed.

(Reported by Ishmael Alighieri)

IRS Questions Two of Scott Peterson's 2002 Deductions

Dixie Chicks Threaten to Display Internal Organs

Instant Message Surprises Man in Mid-Stroke

New Dad Suddenly All Shitty About Dead Baby Jokes

Fat Folk Now "Horizontally Gifted"

Trout Curses "Muthafuckin' Hook"

2 More Mohammed Guys Arrested

Drunk Guy Simultaneously Breaks Law, Commandment, Neck, Record

More headlines

Information Minister Resumes Transparent Denials

SARS Keeping Shitty Musicians Out of Toronto

U.S. Uses "Sim City" to Rebuild Iraq

WASHINGTON (DPI) - Having used a new release of the video game "Sim City" by Maxis, President Bush is now a strong believer in nation-building. "This special version, called 'Sim Country,' allows us to build nations in no time and to forecast potential problems," said White House Press Secretary Ari Fleisher. "The president even knew that the weapons depot in the middle of Baghdad was a bad idea, but we didn't have enough credits to move it in time." Special features in the game conveniently combine all complex ethnic backgrounds into a group called "Generic Iraqi," and it also allows users to create up to 10 oil refineries with a single mouse click.

(Reported by Mark Schmidt)

Anorexic Finally Down to Target Weight

Condo Association Leadership Falls in Lawn-Care Scandal

MAYNARD, Mass. (DPI) - Ken Carlysle was unanimously voted out as President of the Oak Grove Homeowner's Association when it was discovered that contrary to association guidelines, he skipped from Scott's Step 1 fertilizer directly to Step 3. "The man ignored our requirement to fight broadleaf weeds," said Carlysle neighbor Rod Burton. "He's going to be overrun with crabgrass. If one stinking dandelion ends up on my lawn, I'm going to weedwack his Boxster." Carlysle defended his actions, saying, "Home Depot was out of Step 2. I tried, but if you miss the cutoff date for Step 2, you can only buy 3. I had to buy something. God help me."

(Reported by Jody LaFerriere)

Shriners Sighted

BOISE, Idaho (DPI) - A whole troop of 'em! Next door at the coffee shop! Fezzes and everything!

(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)

Elderly Gent Has Had Enough of Your Shenanigans

Sarandon, Robbins Protest Lack of War to Protest
Amateur Electrician's Hunch Posthumously Confirmed
Al Pacino to Star in Film Version of Everybody Poops
Man Amputates Own Arm to Escape Real Cancun Screening
Study: DNA Tests 800% Quicker for Pretty, Rich People
Reproductive Urge Settled in Entirely Non-Reproductive Fashion

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