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DATE 5/7/02

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May 7, 2002

Foreplay Talks Fail

MADISON, WI (DPI) - Negotiations have broken down between Steve Merritt's penis and Karen Chase's vagina in the basement game room of her parents' home. While Chase was eager to negotiate a surrender, her vagina held firm to its steadfast position, leaving her emotionally distraught. Merritt was forced to withdraw the member of his fact-finding mission after repeated attempts to breach the impasse proved unsuccessful. Despite the gridlock, Merritt did receive oral reparations for the effort put forth to broker the accord. Dialogue will resume next weekend when Chase's parents again leave town, and Merritt vows to bring more than just social lubricant then.

(Reported by Dave Henry)

Kentucky Derby History Made as Bull Stampedes to Win

LOUISVILLE, KY (DPI) - Ferdinand's Hope, a three-year-old bull running in its first Triple Crown event, shocked the horse-racing world by placing first in Sunday's Kentucky Derby. The ball-less wonder, a 200-1 longshot, was in last place for half the race, but came on strong at the insistent urging of jockey Enrique Vasquez, emerging from the pack just before the home stretch and hanging on as War Emblem made a furious run at the wire.

(Reported by Chris White)

Houseplant Admits to Asexuality

LIVING ROOM (DPI) - A fern sitting in the corner of the living room has publicly admitted that it is asexual. "Something inside is telling me that I can hide the truth no longer," it said at a public press conference today. "I'm asexual, and I'm proud of it." Rumors about the fern's supposed sexual preference abounded when it was seen in an underground asexual bar where asexuals go to meet themselves. The cactus that props open the door to the backyard could not be reached for comment.

(Reported by Danny Gallagher)

Study: America's "Best Places to Live" Lack Freaks and Assholes

WASHINGTON (DPI) - A new report by a Washington think tank concludes that the quality of life in a given area is directly related to the percentage of freaks and assholes that reside there. According to sociologist Irving Thompson, "Previous studies were based on the assumption that people want to live where there are low crime rates and good schools. Our research, however, has found that the highest priority is avoidance of weirdos and jerkoffs." Moderately priced housing and low levels of pollution are appealing, according to the findings, but what people really want is to not be living near idiots who paint their house orange and nutjob mothers still nursing their 7-year-olds.

(Reported by Miles Walker)

Spider-Man Shocked by Basic Facts of Arachnid Sex

NEW YORK (DPI) - While TV surfing today, Spider-Man was horrified to discover that the sex life of spiders is terrifying and brief, at least from the male spider's point of view. A Nature Channel documentary revealed that it is common for female spiders to devour their mates. "Whoa! Male spiders throw themselves into the jaws of the female while doing it, and keep right on pumping as their bodies are devoured!" stated the visibly-shaken webslinger. "Something about their lives being pretty much over once they've mated, so they cash it in while on top. Man, wish I'd been bitten by a radioactive weasel."

(Reported by Joseph Moore)

Weird Foreign Guy Looking for "Petrol"

AMARILLO, TEXAS (DPI) - Residents reported seeing a strange foreigner at a gas station on the outskirts of Amarillo today, speaking in a strange language and requesting "petrol" for his "lorry." "I suppose the poor fellow didn't speak much English, because I couldn't understand a word he was saying," said cashier Jolene Smith. The stranger, clad in a strange foreign-looking knit cap and twill sportcoat, may have memorized a few words from an English-to-Ooga-Booga phrasebook. Describing himself as "peckish," he was last seen riding off in a truck in search of a "spot of tea." Witnesses were unable to determine where Peckish people come from.

(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)

PC Pissboy Prefers to Be Called "Person of Urine"

Leering Man in Juice Bar Makes Woman Feel Like a Piece of Produce

Mother Can't Remember Whether Thermometer is Oral or Rectal

Nation's Surrealists Agree: Bamboo Smokestack Asparagus Howler Monkey

C-Span Launches "Reality Politi-Com"
The Liebermans

Mariah Carey Hits High Note, Cracks Implant

Lindbergh's Grandson Recreates Lindy's Historic Pro-Nazi Speech

Judas Priest Defrocked

More headlines

Daily Probe Exclusive:
New Star Wars Characters Revealed!

Woman Relishes Cubicle Spot Next to Window

PITTSBURGH (DPI) - PennTech secretary Shirley Watson enjoys her new cubicle position by the office window. "Shirley is always the first one to run around and tell everyone to close their car windows when it rains," says co-worker Alice Smith. "She's like the Weather Channel." Security Guard Walter Johnson also hears from Watson frequently. "That lady's always calling about people parking in the handicap spots, or some delivery van she thinks looks suspicious. She's like the FB-friggin'-I over there." Watson was moved from her former cubicle next to the breakroom due to her overzealous monitoring of the coffee machine and refrigerator cleaning schedules.

(Reported by George MacMillan)

NRA Develops Tactical Nuclear Warheads, Begins Safety Classes

WASHINGTON (DPI) The National Rifle Association developed tactical nuclear weapons recently and safety classes will begin shortly. "We believe that a person having a nuclear weapon in their home will be a better deterrent than any security system. With proper training we can insure our members will safely store their warheads," an NRA spokesman said. Although the NRA was involved only with the development of the warhead, both Springfield and Winchester are planning on having short-range "Home Defender" missiles in gun stores by September. NRA-sponsored safety classes will be starting as soon as June.

(Reported by Stuart Johnson)

Pentecostal Leader Feels 'Slighted' by Catholic Press Coverage

FARMINGTON, IN (DPI) - Pastor Vernon Mathers, a longtime leader of a fundamentalist Pentecostal sect, expressed disappointment over the Roman Catholic Church's ongoing crisis, citing the coverage as "completely one-sided." "As a more wacky sect of Christianity, I am dismayed at how we are being ignored despite our best efforts." The Pentecostal movement started out with a pedophilia scandal, but the lack of outrage led them to handling venomous snakes and engaging in induced seizures to attract media attention. "What do we have to do to get a little airtime around here?" said Mathers, "Build a compound and kill a couple of federal agents?"

(Reported by Ross Brown)

Cows Slaughtered as Meat and Leather Demand Drops

BAKERSFIELD, CALIFORNIA (DPI) - Ranchers outside Bakersfield today were forced to slaughter more than 20,000 of their livestock due to a lack of income. "People are eating less beef, and those vegans don't even drink milk or wear leather," explained John Gulledge of the Knudsen Farms, "so we were forced to shoot and bury over half our cows and calves due to lack of demand." PETA member Bradley Ashford was joyous at the news, "Every animal we force them to kill for no reason whatsoever is one less animal only living to produce meat and leather for the carnivores out there!"

(Reported by Mark Schmidt)

  World News
¤ World Distraught as France Elects French President
¤ Kofi Talk Big Hit on U.N. Cablecast
¤ Favorite Sexual Act Also a Form of Contraception
¤ Clinton Traded to North Korea for Dictator to be Named Later
¤ Viagra Makers Celebrate 5 Years of People Paying Them for Sex
¤ Arafat Pledges to be More Discreet in Orchestrating Terrorism

  Domestic News
¤ "I'd Rather Be Shooting Infidels" Voted Least Popular American Bumper Sticker
¤ Cosmic Forces Fail to Find Miss Cleo's Keys
¤ KFC Declared Finger Lickin' Good, Heart Stoppin' Greasy

  Local News
¤ Adolescent Duck Duck Goose Game Ends With Assault Charges
¤ Once-Cool Musician-Type Now Older, Obsessed With Lawn Care
¤ Tardy Church Member Forced to Consume Own Dish at Pot Luck
¤ Unshaven Dude Crosses Line From "Exotically Unkempt" to "Hobo"

¤ Rob Reiner Now 87.2% Jowls
¤ "So I'm Living in LA Now..." Retired to Standup Opener Hall of Fame
¤ Confused Bono Advocates for Battered Shrimp
¤ Lopes Funeral Features Heartfelt Eulogies, Shitty Music
¤ Bjork Porked

¤ Rob Blake Scores for Colorado, Robert Blake Scored Upon in Prison
¤ Glue Stick Places Last in Derby
¤ Royals Suck Royally

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