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DATE 5/7/02

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Daily Probe Movie Review
by J.J. Krueger


What's up, kids? Today's movie review is Spider-Man, the new movie starring Tobey Maguire and Willem Dafoe and directed by Sam Raimi, the director of the Evil Dead movies and The Quick and the Dead. I've never seen that Quick Dead movie but the Evil Dead movies fucking rule. Me and my roommate Dobie used to like watch all three back-to-back while eating pot brownies and drinking like a case of Leinenkugels each. You gotta watch some shit back-to-back-to-back to like get the full experience sometimes, totally, but they gotta be like sequels. I love movies as much as the next dude but man -- I'm not gonna like waste my time trying to like figure out three totally different movies. It's too much shit to keep track of, and besides -- most movies fucking suck anyway. As a well-respected movie reviewer, I gotta have rules, man. Dobie says I'm like a "cultural barometer," and although I'm not sure what that means, I gotta like totally agree.

Anyhow, Spider-Man stars Tobey Maguire as like Spider-Man, and then Willem Dafoe fucks with him and Spider-Man has to like totally kick his ass or something. I say any flick about superheroes is like automatically cool, man. Between me and Dobie, we got like over two or three hundred comics, and I've always thought Spider-Man was totally cool. I always wanted to be like a comic book artist when I was in high school, but then I totally figured out that I can't like draw very good, which totally may be a problem if you're like applying to be a comic-book artist. So then I figured I should just be like a senator or a judge or something, but Dobie reminds me all the time that like at least two dozen people in town have pictures of me doing huge bong hits, so that shit's probably out. So I'm stuck working for Karen, the total bitch I work for at Big Burger. I'm still pissed that Karen won't give me the day off to see Episode II on the opening day. She even said that Star Wars is "stupid" and "a waste of time." I actually had her convinced for a while that Princess Leia was a vegan like Karen is, but then I made a joke about Leia "liking pork" and she wrote me up. What a bitch. Hopefully Dean will promote me soon so she'll get off my fucking back all the time.

Spider-Man looks like it's got no drugs or nudity but it's fucking Spider-Man, dude, so I can highly recommend the flick. Hopefully they'll have it in a few weeks at the Cine5. I give it 8 J's out of a possible 8 J's. So till next time, see you kids at the flix.

Confidential to Vernon E., Santa Clara CA: You totally misspelled "SUCK," you fucking mron.

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