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May 13, 2003

One Year Later, Move to Fox Has Screwed Up Van Susteren's Face

WASHINGTON (DPI) - Media analyst Ron Kurtz concluded that Greta Van Susteren's year on Fox News has caused considerable damage to her facial structure. "That 'We Report, You Decide' stuff about how Fox News is unbiased is just really hard to say with a straight face," said Kurtz. "I believe the facial contortions necessary to repeat the no-bias claim must have taken their toll." Kurtz indicated highlighted areas in a photo of Van Susteren, the host of On the Record With Greta Van Susteren. "Look at the bulges in her cheeks. That's where she's had to swallow Bush's claim that wiretapping is freedom and indefinite detentions are security," said the analyst. "And I don't have to tell you what it means that her nose appears to be growing."

(Reported by Slick Sharkey)

Bored Antiques Roadshow Appraiser Says 1999 Cake Mold Worth Fortune

ATLANTA (DPI) - Lee Koss, a guest appraiser for the PBS television series Antiques Roadshow, told Liona Miggins that her Ikea cake mold is worth more than $10,000. "I'd been looking at musty books and belt-buckles all day and just wanted to have some fun," said Koss. "She bought the cake mold at a garage sale and it even has one of those stupid Ikea names like 'Våtelskör' engraved into it." Miggins remains convinced of the cake mold's value. "He said it was one of the earliest examples of Viking non-stick cookery," she said.

(Reported by Mark Schmidt)

Senate GOP Defends Hazing Incident

WASHINGTON (DPI) - Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist defended the GOP leadership in the face of a videotape showing him and his colleagues violently hazing Senate Democrats and moderate Sen. Olympia Snowe, R-Maine. The video shows Frist, R-Tenn., Orrin Hatch, R-Utah, and Rick Santorum, R-Penn., kicking and punching Senate Minority Leader Tom Daschle, D-S.D., while yelling, "Are you gonna cry, Frenchie-girl?!" Snowe, who opposes President Bush's tax plan, was shown on tape being forced to eat dirt and accept a $450-billion dividend tax cut. Frist defended the hazing, saying, "It's about bonding. Anybody who dissents from President Bush's policies must be beaten into submission. It's how we maintain patriotic unity."

(Reported by Slick Sharkey)

NASA Admits Space Travel Is Indeed Rocket Science

HOUSTON (DPI) - Following the Columbia space shuttle tragedy and the recent miscalculated space capsule landing, NASA has acknowledged that rocket science is fundamental to all elements of space travel. "There was a saying in the 'Earth Re-entry' division that 'Landings Ain't Rocket Science,'" said NASA administrator John Laskin. "It was just an inside joke for a while, but then we started hiring pure physicists and math guys and the joke became a motto." Laskin also said NASA will no longer treat rocket science and brain surgery as equivalent skills.

(Reported by Mark Schmidt)

PETA Defends Human Medical Testing

NEW YORK (DPI) - PETA spokesperson Shelly Doeringer defended human medical testing yesterday as necessary for developing safe veterinary surgical techniques. "How many dogs have been given successful kidney transplants because of the practice doctors received experimenting with surgeries on humans?" Doeringer said. "If just one hamster or ferret is saved by human medical experimentation, it's worth it." While not exactly recommending wholesale harvesting of humans for animal medical use, Doeringer denied that a human life was worth as much as an animal life, saying, "Humans leave you sitting at home in your $500 prom dress while nailing a cheerleader in the gym. My kitties would never do that."

(Reported by Slick Sharkey)

Man Finally Sees Never-Before-Seen Footage

First Runner-Up to Fulfill Remainder of Mrs. Anthrax Term

Oklahoma Declared Disaster Area; Even Worse After Tornadoes

Bill Bennett to Handicap Winning Virtues

"McChowder" Shelved Due to Low Employee Morale

Bush Accuses Dems of Extremism for Opposing Nazi Judicial Nominees

Los Angeles to Open Jogging Paths to Cars

Cheney Will Run for Second Term in Vat of Formaldehyde

Fuckin' Mighty Ducks, Man!

More headlines

Matrix Ruled a Monopoly

Jessica Lynch's Heroism Celebrated With Crappy Made-for-TV Movie

God's Vengeance Not Adhering to Falwell's Expectations

Outhouse Still Standing After Midwest Maelstrom

LIBERTY, Mo. (DPI) - Chuck Hatfield, whose house and family were swept away in one of the hundreds of tornadoes that touched down across the Midwest this week, was ecstatic that his prize outhouse stood strong against the force of the storm. "Sure, I lost everything, but the good Lord saved my fine old shitter," said the 58-year-old bean farmer. Hatfield was reported by rescue workers to be "whoopin' and hollerin'" in the hours after the attack. "I'm gonna go take me a nice big dump," he said, pulling a few torn sheets of newspaper out of the remains of his pickup truck.

(Reported by Jeff Rabinowitz)

ACLU, Military Pledge to Continue Protecting U.S. Freedoms

WASHINGTON (DPI) - In separate but nearly identical announcements today, both the American Civil Liberties Union and Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld pledged the continued commitment of their respective organizations to "protect and uphold the freedoms that Americans so richly appreciate." Both the ACLU and Defense Department's releases pledged "unending vigilance in continuing this nation's history as a leader in freedom and integrity." Also eerily similar between the statements were the organizations' stated collective interest in "spreading the spirit of political independence," "defense of the common good" and "maintenance of the capacity to exercise free choice among all people."

(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)

SARS-Free Farming Town Drawing More Tourists Than Toronto

MUNSIE, Neb. (DPI) - While tourism has plummeted in Toronto in the wake of the SARS epidemic, it has skyrocketed in this small midwestern town of 3,200. Using a catchy new marketing slogan, "Munsie: Still SARS-Free," this rural dairy-farming community is being overrun with hundreds of thousands of tourists on a daily basis. Visitors are being treated to still-untainted-by-a-terrifying-mysterious-disease-oriented attractions such as Munsie's Gypsum Mining Museum, Hank's Reptile-O-Rama, and the oldest Dollar Store franchise in the tri-county area.

(Reported by Miles Walker)

Debate Coach Fired for Drunken Split Infinitive
Cheney Denies Rumsfeld's Request to Relax Sphincter
Bush Climbs Empire State Building, Downs Several Biplanes
Great White to Pose Nude on Entertainment Weekly Cover
Madonna's Breasts Sue for Additional Support
Collie Bangs Poodle While Owner Pinned by Tree
Creationist Scientist Wants to Put a Little God Back into Microbiology
Cat Leaves Fortune to Old Spinster
Laci's Family Endorses Attractive Middle-Class White Women's Protection Act

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