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May 14, 2002

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Oil Companies: We Only Control Minds, Weather, Not Oil Prices

HOUSTON (DPI) - ExxonMobil spokeswoman Cicely Deering has admitted that oil prices still remained beyond the control of the company, and that management would have to continue to content itself with manipulating minds and global weather. Emboldened by the industry's successful stigmatization of public transport and the popularity of SUVs barely able to convey owners from one filling station to the next, a consortium of petrochemical corporations are humbled by the juggernaut of rising gas prices paid by consumers. "Today, we are powerless to control prices, but our top wizards are working on it as we speak," Deering said. "Experts," she corrected.

(Reported by Martin Bredeck and Mark Schmidt)

Archaeologists Discover Shitty Cave Painting

ZURICH (DPI) - Archaeologists in the Swiss Alps discovered a cave containing one of the oldest and shittiest cave paintings ever found in Europe. Dating back 9,600 years, the sloppy painting poorly represents images of hunters, herd animals, and family scenes. "You can hardly even tell what this guy is holding," said Dr. Evan Scheftele, leader of the expedition documenting the shoddy artwork. "What, is it a spear? Is he trying to kill that dog that's twice his size? Or is that a deer?" pondered Scheftele's six-man crew. Also found in the cave were several stone tools that looked to the team "like they'd been made by a 6-year-

(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)

Idiots Return to Nation's Zoos

PHILADELPHIA (DPI) - As warm spring weather arrives, idiots return to the nation's zoos to embarrass their children and infuriate fellow visitors. At the nation's oldest zoo in Philadelphia, one moron points to a chimpanzee cage and tells his son, "That's a gorilla, Billy. They love to eat bananas." Another Einstein stands outside a tiger habitat and mentions how fast "the cheetah" can run. "Many people have never seen 'Wild America' or spent a day outside a city," said veteran zookeeper John Marshall. "That's why there's at least one winner every year who tells his kid that lions are the daddies and tigers are the

(Reported by George MacMillan)

Would-be Anachronist Shocked by Cost of Getting Medieval on Someone's Ass

NOVATO, CALIFORNIA (DPI) - His bravado fueled by cheap ale at an area Renaissance fair, casual reveler Ryan Carroll was nonetheless shocked at the expense involved in getting medieval on someone's ass. "So, this moron in red tights starts talking all 'thee' and 'thou' and 'for sooth' right in my face," said Carroll. "I was about to get medieval on his ass, but have you seen the cost? A trebuchet will set you back a couple grand, and a usable cat-o'-nine-tails runs a hundred bucks." Carroll, who eventually opted to pummel the man with a $10 wooden sword, admitted disappointment at feeling like he'd "gotten all Toys-R-Us" on the guy's ass.

(Reported by Joseph Moore)

Pipe Bomber Creates Smiley Face on Cellmate

RENO, NEVADA (DPI) - Although suspected pipe bomber Luke Helder did not complete a smiling-face pattern with his terror acts, his first week in captivity has cheered up his current cellmate, Angelo "The Sledge" Smithson. "I've never seen Sledge so happy," said fellow inmate Jim Reese. "He has a big smile on his face every morning, and he spends more time in his cell [since] that new kid got here." Smithson, who gained his nickname as a professional wrestler, is awaiting trial for the alleged assault of five members of Hell's Angels.

(Reported by Mark Schmidt)

Kournikova Nude Pix "Close Enough," Internet Masturbators Say

Rwanda Beats Afghanistan in World Skull-Kicking Tournament

New Research Shows Sucker Now Born Every 56 Seconds

Study: Postal Workers Now 12% More Postal

Buffet Diner Skips Salad in Favor of Nine Entrees

New Hospital Wing Dedicated to Illnesses Accompanied by Affluence

Terrorist Coyote Flies Jet Into Skyscraper Painted on Side of Mountain

Where Are They Now: My Pants

Episode II to Feature Less Jar-on-Jar Action

More headlines

Anakin Skywalker's Dabbling with Gray Side of Force Leads to Immersion in Dark Side

Catholic Church Begins "Incident-Awareness Safety Program"

Gross Pornographic Product Up 5 Billion Percent

WASHINGTON (DPI) - The Commerce Department reported last week that the GPP, or Gross Pornographic Product, grew a robust 5.8 billion percent over the last decade. "With pent-up demand released by the anonymity of the Internet, consumers spent in record numbers," noted the report. Economists greeted the news with mixed feelings, noting that "with any increase in the GPP comes a buildup in the 'money-shot' supply effect, possibly climaxing in a full-blown slowdown." The Fed signaled it might need to lower hemlines in order to slow down the rampant expansion of key autonomic indicators caused by the "irrational exuberance" of porn consumers.

(Reported by Jim Rosenberg)

Nation's Geeks in Crisis: Seeing Spider-Man vs. Keeping Spot in Episode II Line

HOLLYWOOD (DPI) - As the first of this summer's blockbusters debuted last week, America's dorks found themselves tormented with having to decide between seeing Spider-Man or keeping their hard-earned spots in Star Wars: Episode II -- Attack of the Clones ticket lines. According to 23-year-old record-store clerk Richard Whittier, "When I had to choose between the Episode II line and my brother's wedding, that was a no-brainer because I figured that my brother could always get remarried. But missing Spider-Man is the most painful decision I've ever had to make." Added another nearby dweeb, "Nobody ever told me that the responsibilities of being an adult would be so hard."

(Reported by Chuck Sawyer)

Robert Hanssen Blames Black Spy For Stealing Top-Secret Documents

ALEXANDRIA, VIRGINIA (DPI) - Former FBI agent Robert Hanssen made his final statement before the judge passed his life sentence, blaming it all on the pointy-faced "Black Spy." "The Black Spy was the one who stole the top secret missile plans," said Hanssen in a statement. Hanssen claimed that while enjoying a midnight snack in August of 1994, the Black Spy triggered an industrial-strength spring under his refrigerator, causing the appliance to land on his head and giving the Black Spy an opportunity to steal documents. Hanssen describes the alleged saboteur as armed and hilarious.

(Reported by Danny Gallagher)

Spokesperson Patiently Explains Difference Between Pipe Bomb and Exploding Cigar
Northrup Grumman Spotted Holding Hands With TRW at Morning Assembly
"Not Sold in Stores" Promise Whorishly Broken
Panicked Costco Family Down to Eight Rolls of Paper Towels
NRA: Pipe-Bombings Caused by Five-Day Wait for Handguns
Cilantro Invades American Foods
Rolling Stones Announce 2002 "Hey, You, Get Off My Lawn" World Tour
Will Ferrell Takes Vow of Poverty, Quits SNL
Seattle Slew Dead, Delicious

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