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May 20, 2003

"Mobile Germ Lab" Actually Dirty, Musty RV

BAGHDAD, Iraq (DPI) - Despite their inability to find evidence of weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, U.S. officials today conceded that a "mobile germ lab" discovered outside Baghdad is actually nothing more than Saddam Hussein's badly neglected camper. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld admitted that the "biological weapons" found inside were not anthrax or smallpox, but rather a 3-month-old moldy, half-eaten egg salad sandwich and an unfinished bottle of Yoo-Hoo. Rumsfeld nonetheless celebrated the find, saying that had either substance been placed in a warhead, it could have inundated a major U.S. city with "horrific levels of stank."

(Reported by Chuck Sawyer)

Clinton Consults With Alaric the Visigoth

NEW YORK CITY (DPI) - Sen. Hillary Clinton, D-N.Y., fueled rumors surrounding her undeclared presidential candidacy by admitting to secret meetings with Alaric, King of the Visigoths. "As one facing many bloody political battles, I felt it appropriate to seek Alaric's advice," Clinton said, denying they met to plan a run for the White House. Alaric, whose horde brought classical civilization to an end and ushered in the Dark Ages, called Clinton "a worthy Amazon, remorseless in battle and unslakeable in bloodlust." Alaric declined to comment on Clinton's presidential plans, but said, "The Democratic horde would do well to follow the Merciless Iron of Hillary the Icy."

(Reported by Ishmael Alighieri)

Ashcroft: "Wussy Terrorists Aren't Even Trying"

WASHINGTON (DPI) - Attorney General John Ashcroft accused al-Qaeda of being "wussy scaredy-cats" for not even trying any attacks in recent weeks. "We started a war in the Middle East, for Jesus' sake," Ashcroft said. "Where's all that terrorist blow-back we were warned about? Where's all the enraged volunteers to your cause? We've got National Guard troops stationed at all our important landmarks just sitting there, bored to tears. At least give them something to shoot at, guys!" Ashcroft continued, "Since 9/11, the best you've managed is that freak with the sneakers. I thought you girly-girls were more fanatical than that."

(Reported by Slick Sharkey)

Deep Blue Proves Picard Kicks Kirk's Butt

CAMBRIDGE, Mass. (DPI) - Researchers at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology have reprogrammed Deep Blue, a chess-playing supercomputer, giving detailed statistical models to ascertain the chances of Federation starship captains Jean-Luc Picard and James Tiberius Kirk to save humanity from a million simulations of typical galaxy-threatening situations. The results: in 78 percent of the simulations, Picard "kicked Kirk's pasty Iowa ass all over the Alpha Quadrant," said Assistant Prof. J. G. Hertzler, a Picard partisan. "The suave, sophisticated Picard, using brains as well as his not-insignificant brawn, out-thought, out-fought and flat out cleaned Kirk's tricorder."

(Reported by Joseph Moore)

Pirates Demand Inclusion in New Affirmative Action Policy

WASHINGTON (DPI) - Scores of pirate crews stormed the capital today to protest the government's neglect in excluding pirates as a minority group. "Arrr, it be a cryin' shame that we ol' seadogs don't have the same opportunities that ye olde upper-, white middle- and high-class be having during these dark times," said Capt. Ron "Red-Eyes" Cannon. His band of mighty pirates protested in a Million "Arr" March that started from the northeast bank of the Tidal Basin. The merry group made an effigy of Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas walking the plank, chanting, "Yo ho ho, yo ho hee, our pirate rights are in jeo-par-dee," and of course, began looting and pillaging.

(Reported by Danny Gallagher)

Incredible Hulk Writes Thesis, Becomes Credible

Injury Lawyers Christen School's New Monkey Bars

Carol Channing Weds School Sweetheart; Bob Hope Engaged to House Plant

Weenie Sen. John Kerry Seeks to Shed "Weenie" Image

Still No Takers for Paparazzi Shots of Michael Douglas Bottomless

America's Funniest Home Videos Plans "Dogs Fucking Stuff" Marathon

Franks Signs for CNN's Retired-General Package

Creationist Cruise Ship Sails off Edge of World

Switch-Crazed NBC Execs Hint at Brokaw/Fear Factor Swap

Keanu: "Whoa"

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Japs Definitely Up To Something

Scientists Seek to Reintroduce Darwin Fish Into Its Historic Range

Analyst Downgrades Ex-Boyfriend's Rating to "Junk" Status

"Fat Guy at Picnic" Highlights Vacation Slideshow

BEND, Ore. (DPI) - Brian and Nancy Parsons had plenty of amazing photos to share after a recent trip to Hawaii. But no photo stirred up more interest and discussion among friends than one titled "Big Fat Guy at Family Picnic." Snapped with the couple's digital camera under partial cover of a beach cooler and a towel, the shot features "this enormous fat dude totally flaunting it for the babes," said Brian. While he insisted that the man actually went swimming later in the afternoon, they were unable to achieve a comfortable hiding place for the camera from that angle. "We wouldn't want to get caught and have the guy sit on us or something," said Brian, snickering.

(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)

Tail Still Not Caught

SAN DIEGO (DPI) - Despite improving his time an amazing 3 seconds per lap, Spot could still not catch his tail in time trials today. Many believed Spot, despite weathering a sex scandal during training, would break through the elusive tail-catching barrier. The legendary Rex, the only other dog to even touch his tail with his nose tip, blames the pressure from the tabloid press. "I think the innuendos shook him, and despite the other dog's accusations, I believe Spot when he says the locker room was crowded and he didn't realize he was licking so far to the left," said the icon.

(Reported by Davejames)

Attorney's Swedish Chef Impersonation Enters 15th Year of Dormancy

NEW YORK (DPI) - David Lambert, who at one time wowed friends with his spot-on impression of the colorful Swedish Chef from The Muppet Show, voiced forlorn disappointment this week at the lack of opportunities his current corporate law career offers for him to use the talent. "One time in the eighth grade, I had the entire school bus laughing when I went off-the-cuff with an eggbeater another kid brought for a class skit," said Lambert over a martini at a trendy Manhattan club. "Even the bus driver was cracking up." Lambert has considered volunteering with young kids in hopes of eliciting smiles with his version of the bumbling Henson puppet's trademark "Bork bork bork!" exclamation, but fears that kids today won't get it.

(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)

"Mrs. Anthrax," "Dr. Germ" Cast in Next Batman Sequel

Phil Jackson Grows Second Head During Lakers Loss
New York Times Usurps Daily Probe as America's #1 Source of Made-Up Shit
Paranormal Investigators to Examine Bizarre Overhead Compartment Shift
Bird Hits Window Copying Jackass Stunt
Ill-fitting Pants Blamed for Awkward Erection
Bush, Seeking 2 Extra Armies Per Turn, Adds Australia to "Axis of Evil"
Topeka and Pensacola in Stanley Cup Finals

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