May 21, 2002
New Bottled Water Captures Nostalgic
PARIS (DPI) - The makers of Evian bottled water have introduced Evian
Classic, a bottled water with a tap-water taste. According to company
spokesperson Jeanine Williams, "Focus groups show that a significant market
exists for 'comfort water' with a smell and an aftertaste." Evian has
invested more than $14 million in research to recreate a convincing
imitation. "Evian scientists have been working tirelessly to
recreate the classic tap-water formula of chlorine, fluoride and other
chemicals that consumers demand in tap-flavored water," said Williams.
"We've even captured
the subtle undertones of metal pipe sediments." Evian Classic will retail at
$1.75 per bottle.
(Reported by Chuck Sawyer)
Complaints Mount Over Diddy's New Segway
LOS ANGELES (DPI) - LA residents are in an uproar over the booming bass of
rap singer P. Diddy's new Segway with a $25,000 custom stereo system. "Here he comes
again!" said shop owner Darrel Evans as items on the shelves of his small
store began rattling. "It's a travesty," said another LA resident, fleeing
a spray of glass from a blown-out car window. "His environmentally friendly
transportation is sparing the ozone layer, but the noise! The ear-shattering
(Reported by George MacMillan, Graphics by Chris White)
Nation's Dads Strive to Achieve Ozzy Parenthood Model
LOS ANGELES (DPI) - As the televised clan of rocker Ozzy Osbourne enjoys
praise from family-values advocates, regular families are finding the role
model difficult to emulate. According to Duke University psychologist
Neil Binsworth, "Every suburban family enjoys the openness of Dad loosened
up by whiskey and Quaaludes, but these same families get upset when Dad
chokes to death on his own vomit." Binsworth said Osbourne's familial
skills came from decades of doing drugs, but even he had to work his way up.
"By increasing [the parent's] regular after-work Valium-and-cocktail intake,
they can simulate these family-pleasing results in a far safer fashion and
build up over time."
(Reported by Davejames)
Habitat for Humanity Builds Humidors for Cubans
HAVANA (DPI) - Former President Jimmy Carter and his Plains, Ga.,
chapter of Habitat for Humanity arrived in Cuba this week to begin their
mission of building desperately needed cigar humidors. According to Cuban
leader Fidel Castro, "While we Cubans are known for making the world's
finest cigars, nobody can make a good humidor like rich Americans can."
Conservatives criticized the visit, saying that Communists should not have
access to fresh, properly stored cigars. Carter, defending the trip,
responded, "The good people of Cuba have lusted in their hearts for some
nice American humidors for too long."
(Reported by Miles Walker)
Man Trapped in Car Enjoying Vacation
DES MOINES, Iowa (DPI) - Since becoming trapped inside the Ford Taurus he
drove over an embankment three days ago, 47-year-old salesman Don Shepherd
has enjoyed his brief respite from civilization. "At first I was pretty
panicked," Shepherd said. "I was going to call 911 on my cell, but since I'm
not injured, I figured, why rush? It's so peaceful here." Shepherd survives
on rainwater leaking through the cracked windows and Cheerios his three
children have dropped beneath the seats. "Yes sir," Shepherd said, reading
the Taurus' owner manual yet again, "no nagging wife, no screaming kids, no
boss. A guy could get used to this."
(Reported by George MacMillan)
Report: Bush was Warned of Possible Pretzel Attack
Oil-Company Scientists Deny Global Warming, Heavier-Than-Air Flight, Germ Theory of Disease
Cardinal Law to Guest on Steamy Boston Public
FBI Investigates Kmart, Finds Evidence of Low, Low Prices
Aides Implore Sharon to Remove Words "Smack Down" From Speech
Cannibal Grills George Foreman on George Foreman Grill
Awards: Liza Nudges Woody to Take Home 3rd "Creepy"
Anal-Retentive Anarchist Buys, Destroys Desk Organizer
Carter in Cuba, Clinton in Cuban
The Daily Probe's Summer Television Preview!
Castro Executes 5000th Dissident in Honor of Carter Visit
Backstreet Boys' Greatest Hits Canceled Due to Lack of Greatness
HOLLYWOOD (DPI) - The Backstreet Boys' planned Greatest Hits
album has been put on hold until a more appropriate name is found. "At the
moment, we've already ruled out Better Hits and Decent Hits," said Liam
Rothstein of Sony Music, "but we're pretty sure they were indeed hits."
Names currently under consideration are Inexplicable Hits and
Are We Sure They Were Hits?, but industry insiders suggest that
the working title will be Now THAT'S What I Might Call Hits!
(Reported by Mark Schmidt)
Middle-Aged White Guy Accuses SEC of Racial Profiling
WASHINGTON (DPI) - Milton Abrams, a desk clerk for an auto-parts retailer
from Akron, Ohio, was transported to the nation's capital today to face
charges of insider trading by the Securities and Exchange Commission. "I don't
even own any stocks," Abrams protested. "They targeted me because I'm white
and clean-shaven." SEC documents do contain some damning
evidence, identifying the suspect as "52 years old, with dignified gray
hair, a fitted
white shirt and conservative tie." Abrams' employer, Bud Jones of Bud's Auto
and Tow, was shocked at the charges, saying, "No way is Milt owning no tie."
(Reported by Mark Schmidt)
Man's Dystopic Nightmare World Not All It's Cracked Up to Be
HELL (DPI) - Struck with a vision of a hellish possible future-world while
visiting a medium, Arizona businessman Carl Printz was said to be less than
impressed. "Deprivation, oppression, terror, it's all there, but I was kind
of picturing it differently, I guess," said Printz. He said the
12-minute journey through a land where shadows of the dead rise to
torment the living was "just OK." "I kind of thought there'd be stalactites
of poison hanging from the twisted skeletons of our skyscrapers," he said.
"There was a lot of despair and ruin, though, so that was pretty cool."
(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)
California Earthquake Spares Lives, Ruins Facelifts
Renegade Grammarian Splits Infinitive
Nation's PCs Await Reboot as Geeks Fill Movie Theaters
Wall Street Cheers as Greenspan Lowers Stripper's G-String
Old-School Stoner Claims Pigs Still Hasslin' Him, Man
Board of Perverted Dentists Recommends Cunnilingus as Alternative to Flossing
God Helps Smarmy Nauseating Bitch Win Survivor
Tyson Badly Burned in Holy Water Spill
Stupid Kid Rescued From Abandoned Refrigerator Box
1998 Hockey Playoffs Almost Complete