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May 21, 2002

New Bottled Water Captures Nostalgic
Tap-Water Taste

PARIS (DPI) - The makers of Evian bottled water have introduced Evian Classic, a bottled water with a tap-water taste. According to company spokesperson Jeanine Williams, "Focus groups show that a significant market exists for 'comfort water' with a smell and an aftertaste." Evian has invested more than $14 million in research to recreate a convincing imitation. "Evian scientists have been working tirelessly to recreate the classic tap-water formula of chlorine, fluoride and other chemicals that consumers demand in tap-flavored water," said Williams. "We've even captured the subtle undertones of metal pipe sediments." Evian Classic will retail at $1.75 per bottle.

(Reported by Chuck Sawyer)

Complaints Mount Over Diddy's New Segway

LOS ANGELES (DPI) - LA residents are in an uproar over the booming bass of rap singer P. Diddy's new Segway with a $25,000 custom stereo system. "Here he comes again!" said shop owner Darrel Evans as items on the shelves of his small store began rattling. "It's a travesty," said another LA resident, fleeing a spray of glass from a blown-out car window. "His environmentally friendly transportation is sparing the ozone layer, but the noise! The ear-shattering noise!"

(Reported by George MacMillan, Graphics by Chris White)

Nation's Dads Strive to Achieve Ozzy Parenthood Model

LOS ANGELES (DPI) - As the televised clan of rocker Ozzy Osbourne enjoys praise from family-values advocates, regular families are finding the role model difficult to emulate. According to Duke University psychologist Neil Binsworth, "Every suburban family enjoys the openness of Dad loosened up by whiskey and Quaaludes, but these same families get upset when Dad chokes to death on his own vomit." Binsworth said Osbourne's familial skills came from decades of doing drugs, but even he had to work his way up. "By increasing [the parent's] regular after-work Valium-and-cocktail intake, they can simulate these family-pleasing results in a far safer fashion and build up over time."

(Reported by Davejames)

Habitat for Humanity Builds Humidors for Cubans

HAVANA (DPI) - Former President Jimmy Carter and his Plains, Ga., chapter of Habitat for Humanity arrived in Cuba this week to begin their mission of building desperately needed cigar humidors. According to Cuban leader Fidel Castro, "While we Cubans are known for making the world's finest cigars, nobody can make a good humidor like rich Americans can." Conservatives criticized the visit, saying that Communists should not have access to fresh, properly stored cigars. Carter, defending the trip, responded, "The good people of Cuba have lusted in their hearts for some nice American humidors for too long."

(Reported by Miles Walker)

Man Trapped in Car Enjoying Vacation

DES MOINES, Iowa (DPI) - Since becoming trapped inside the Ford Taurus he drove over an embankment three days ago, 47-year-old salesman Don Shepherd has enjoyed his brief respite from civilization. "At first I was pretty panicked," Shepherd said. "I was going to call 911 on my cell, but since I'm not injured, I figured, why rush? It's so peaceful here." Shepherd survives on rainwater leaking through the cracked windows and Cheerios his three children have dropped beneath the seats. "Yes sir," Shepherd said, reading the Taurus' owner manual yet again, "no nagging wife, no screaming kids, no boss. A guy could get used to this."

(Reported by George MacMillan)

Report: Bush was Warned of Possible Pretzel Attack

Oil-Company Scientists Deny Global Warming, Heavier-Than-Air Flight, Germ Theory of Disease

Cardinal Law to Guest on Steamy Boston Public

FBI Investigates Kmart, Finds Evidence of Low, Low Prices

Aides Implore Sharon to Remove Words "Smack Down" From Speech

Cannibal Grills George Foreman on George Foreman Grill

Awards: Liza Nudges Woody to Take Home 3rd "Creepy"

Anal-Retentive Anarchist Buys, Destroys Desk Organizer

Carter in Cuba, Clinton in Cuban

More headlines

The Daily Probe's Summer Television Preview!

Castro Executes 5000th Dissident in Honor of Carter Visit

Backstreet Boys' Greatest Hits Canceled Due to Lack of Greatness

HOLLYWOOD (DPI) - The Backstreet Boys' planned Greatest Hits album has been put on hold until a more appropriate name is found. "At the moment, we've already ruled out Better Hits and Decent Hits," said Liam Rothstein of Sony Music, "but we're pretty sure they were indeed hits." Names currently under consideration are Inexplicable Hits and Are We Sure They Were Hits?, but industry insiders suggest that the working title will be Now THAT'S What I Might Call Hits!

(Reported by Mark Schmidt)

Middle-Aged White Guy Accuses SEC of Racial Profiling

WASHINGTON (DPI) - Milton Abrams, a desk clerk for an auto-parts retailer from Akron, Ohio, was transported to the nation's capital today to face charges of insider trading by the Securities and Exchange Commission. "I don't even own any stocks," Abrams protested. "They targeted me because I'm white and clean-shaven." SEC documents do contain some damning evidence, identifying the suspect as "52 years old, with dignified gray hair, a fitted white shirt and conservative tie." Abrams' employer, Bud Jones of Bud's Auto and Tow, was shocked at the charges, saying, "No way is Milt owning no tie."

(Reported by Mark Schmidt)

Man's Dystopic Nightmare World Not All It's Cracked Up to Be

HELL (DPI) - Struck with a vision of a hellish possible future-world while visiting a medium, Arizona businessman Carl Printz was said to be less than impressed. "Deprivation, oppression, terror, it's all there, but I was kind of picturing it differently, I guess," said Printz. He said the 12-minute journey through a land where shadows of the dead rise to torment the living was "just OK." "I kind of thought there'd be stalactites of poison hanging from the twisted skeletons of our skyscrapers," he said. "There was a lot of despair and ruin, though, so that was pretty cool."

(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)

California Earthquake Spares Lives, Ruins Facelifts
Renegade Grammarian Splits Infinitive
Nation's PCs Await Reboot as Geeks Fill Movie Theaters
Wall Street Cheers as Greenspan Lowers Stripper's G-String
Old-School Stoner Claims Pigs Still Hasslin' Him, Man
Board of Perverted Dentists Recommends Cunnilingus as Alternative to Flossing
God Helps Smarmy Nauseating Bitch Win Survivor
Tyson Badly Burned in Holy Water Spill
Stupid Kid Rescued From Abandoned Refrigerator Box
1998 Hockey Playoffs Almost Complete

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